Friday, June 29, 2007

The RE-Name Game

Sometimes we don't take Sarah's advice and we accidentally end up with a phonebook full of names and numbers we'd rather forget.

Here's a list of some of the NEW NAMES I've given certain contacts once their luck ran out (or mine) and they no longer were deserving of a return call.

2. The Abuser
3. Con Artist
4. Creep
5. Mr. Mahoney

What are some of the (PG-13) rated names you've given people, before you've officially DELETED them?

The cell phone trick by the ... Richard

On the day of the official launch of the iPhone (they go on sale at 6 p.m. today), I thought female cell users should be aware of this sleazeball move.

THE LINE: "I left my cell phone at home, can I borrow yours? just for a second?"
THE MOVE: He uses YOUR phone to call HIS phone and DUH, now he has your phone number!

WHAT YOU DO: If he's good looking and you're interested, you say: "If you want my number, just ask me, I'll give it to you."
If, well, you aren't interested, you say: "Hey, screw you creepo"

What I wonder is, why do guys have to be dishonest? What's wrong with walking up to an attractive woman and just stating: "I think you look stunning. Could I take you to dinner?"

Girls like confidence. They don't like weirdos who steal their phone number.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Don’t DIS your man

Or my man.

Or men… really ever… at all.

Because THIS happens all the time:

Girl meets boy.
Girl loses boy.
Girls talks about how boy mistreated her and is such a jerk, and her friends all agree.

Then, inevitably…

Girl calls boy back.
Girl takes boy back.

And Girl’s friends NEVER LET HER LIVE IT DOWN.

The way to remedy this would be to keep our mouths shut about those times the phone hung up too quickly...oh, and that time he said that thing about how you remind him of his dogor that time he pretended he didn’t know you because that girl was around…

Oh wait, back to the post!!!

The only way to remedy this FOR REAL is to never mention his flaws around your friends

Just because you have the ability of ignoring them… they don’t.

Love masks his off hand remarks, and the smirk that makes you melt, makes your friends feel ill.

So do everyone a favor and either love his BS enough to keep mum…

Or love yourself enough to drop him.

Acquired tastes

So Sarah brings up a good question, do you have to be “freaky” to be “sexy???”

I don’t think you HAVE to be FREAKY necessarily… you just can’t be “anti-FREAKY.”

You can’t roll your eyes or blush when your partner brings up an “idea.”

You can’t think anything YOU might NOT be into is GROSS or BAD.

And the BOTTOM line is…

You can’t knock it, until you’ve tried it right???

Well, if it’s true for sushi it might be true for…


Freaky and Fabulous... Tonight, at 10 p.m., BET will premiere a show on the freakiest (as in bow chicka bow wow NOT Ripley's Believe It Or Not) people on this planet. The R-rated event counts down 25 individuals who have No Shame To Their Game.

Like Brandy’s brother Ray J. (Tell 'em where you're from), LA Laker Kobe Bryant, Rappers Lil’Kim and Trina, Vida Guerra and Buffie "THE BODY" (woa! she's a real fine woman) and Bill Clinton.

Personal, I'd prefer Ripley's version, but that's just me.

POLL: Do you have to be freaky kinky to be sexy?

VIDEO: She's a very special girl!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

What your NUMBER means...

According to Chrissie Lynn...

If your number is…

ONE: You’ve had one serious relationship in your life, you consider that person your soul mate and one true love. No one else will compare, and every time you think about someone “new” you will liken them to THE ONE.

TWO: You finally gave up on that soul mate and tried something new. You hated it, but you figure, hell… “I broke the “ONE” seal… bring em on!!!”

THREE: You consider yourself “knowledgeable” now… but also respectable. You’re the type to promise that “By 5 I will be married.”

FOUR: Ooops, you just wasted the big 4 on someone not worth it… but your “number” is still low enough to warrant inexperience and naivety.

FIVE-SEVEN: If your number falls within this range you’ve begun to slow down… you don’t want to hit (gasp!) 10 and not be married. You take things seriously now to avoid being labeled something less than flattering.

EIGHT-TEN: You’ve done it… you’ve doubled the “average” number (if you’re a woman) and you begin to lie about your number. Yeah… 4 sounds good.

: A 3rd are significant partners that you had relationships with, a 3rd are mistakes and the other 3rd you don’t remember. Kick it back to 4 and make everyone happy.

SIXTEEN TO INFINITY: You’re never going to tell anyone your “real” number now anyway, so why not just stop counting?

Remember: When it comes to your "number," COUNTING your fingers is one thing.

your fingers is quite another.

Monday, June 25, 2007

About 1 in 4 men will sleep with 15+ women in their lifetime

The Center for Disease Control released data on sexual behaviors that confirms


Or maybe that...


You be the judge.

Based on data from 1999 to 2002:

-- 29 % of men reported having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime.
-- 9 % of women reported having 15 or more male sexual partners in a lifetime.

-- The median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven.
-- The median number of lifetime male sexual partners for women was four.

Vote in my poll!

One thing box sexes can agree on: NEVER, EVER ASK "HOW MANY?" Because chances are, unless the answer is ONE, you probably don't want to know!

green grass and parking lots

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Is it really true that "you don't know what you've got til it's gone?"

Do we REALLY "pave paradise to put up parking lots"?

I can't help but think (today at least...)
that these things are only a product of time..
They illustrate a lack of healing.
They come from a deficit mind.

Because sometimes...
s o m e t i m e s
realizing what you had,
once it's gone,
might just make you glad
you escaped...

alive and alone.

Would you marry me?

People magazine put out a special wedding edition. And I couldn't resist! Let me tell you, it was the best $5 I shelled out all weekend!

Lucky for you, the good stuff is online HERE, including photos of the worst-ever bridesmaid dresses, real-life proposal ideas, videos of wild dancing and knockout cakes!

If you're planning a wedding, dreaming about one or married and want to share your own stories/photos, you'll want to check it out.

GUYS, how far would you go to propose? Would you dress up as Winnie the Pooh? Would you make a scrap book? Or do you have a totally original idea? Why not have your dog propose for you?

BTW, according to the mag, the avg. age of a bride is 26, of a groom is 28, avg. cost of a wedding is almost $28,000, state with the most marriages is TEXAS.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I'm TOO SEXY for my name

There is such a thing as NAME SEX APPEAL, says one MIT grad student. Her research revealed that men who have names with a front stressed vowel (like dAve) were rated as being more attractive than those who have a back stressed vowel (PaUl). Reverse it for women.


Is your name sexy? Check it out:

dAve, cRAig, bEn and stEve

paUl, Tom, georGE and JoHN

SusAn, RobIn, HolLY and CarmEN

Melanie, Jill, Amy, Ann and Liz

Men with women’s names, like Jamie and Leslie and women with unisex names like Erin and Jesse.

There are other sexy name lists out there. This one did a good job listing non sexy names like Maude and Ida and Florence.

I have some pretty unsexy names in my family like Clifford, Ivan, Doris, Ernie and Harry.

What do you think? Would you ever NOT date a guy because his name is, say, BERT?

Seductress Administering Rapturous Arousing Hugs

Get Your Sexy Name

A do-wop that made my jaw drop

"You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over"


Sean Kingston, what were you thinking when you wrote this cockamamie crapola? You sound like a wussy who needs a stinging slap across the face!

Suicidal is not exactly what the ladies are going for these days! "Hey baby, you broke my heart, now I'm going to go to wrap a plastic bag over my head." I just can't picture her trotting open-armed back to you.

Apparently, he's singing about a gf who cheated on him. But do you believe him? He is 17, and he also sings, "Back in 99, when I went away for my first crime..." Umm, that makes him 9 years old and already in the pen. What, did he get caught with liquor in his baby bottle?

"Kingston says he's trying to make feel-good music." Read HERE.

While most people laugh at the stupidity of such songs, is it a joke? Stuff like this really DOES happen! So, would you want your song playing in the background to a scene described in the LATIMES?

And, guess what, he's having a spoof video contest.

Songs with disturbing lyrics.

A song that would cause the girls to swoon HERE

"The hottest love has the coldest end." -Socrates

We’ve all been through it.

The break up.

And in those hours, or days or months of separation, we say things we shouldn’t and we hear things we will never forget.

So help me make a list of the worst/best break up lines… or at the very least the MOST MEMORABLE.

I’ll start us off…

1. “Isn’t it possible to love m o r e than one person at a time?

2. “I’ve sent you a link to information on “poly-amorous” lifestyles, so check your email. "

3. “She’s just part of the blonde blur that is my past…”

Come on, I'm sure you can beat those;)

Check out some of the best lines here.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

5 points...

that will get you from 5th grade to your 25th birthday in one piece.

1. The guy that matters so much when your 12 will only be a memory soon enough. You’ll someday be laughing at his argyle sweaters and sweet comb over… trust me.

2. Boys who tease you, like you. Men who tease you need to grow up.

3. The kind of guy who sends you carnations on Valentine’s Day is the same sort who will send you roses ten years later. Keep him.

4. Never, ever, EVER trust your HORMONES. They start taking over like aliens around the age of 12, and they will continue to wreak havoc on your ever-changing body forever.

5. And if you can’t think of anything else but him, and you doodle his name on your notebooks (or eventually the post-its that litter your professional desk)… you’re in love. So just enjoy it.

Unfortunately… it too, will pass.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My pumpkin is a drunk bus, not a carriage for a princess!

He wants to stay out, you want to go home.

It's that uncomfortable situation, when all his buddies are staring you down, as he waits for approval to take off the handcuffs. Some of his friends assume you'll crack the whip (before you make up your mind). They give him a "see-ya-later" slap on the back and tell you to let go of his "man goods!"

Your inside voice is screaming curses at him (WHY CAN'T HE READ MY #*@!*#! MIND), while your lips say the words you dread: "I'm not your boss, do what you want."

So, you don't exactly exemplify the "ideal" girlfriend. The one who'd morph into a drunk bus at 4 a.m. (the male version of Cinderella) and drive all his vomiting buddies (and their hookups) home. But on the other hand, you didn't say "No" either...

Here's what girlfriends think of when our men ask us to stay out drinking:




Don't tell me I have nice legs

It's a scenario that every girl goes through at least a few times a month.

You have a cute outfit on. You are feeling good. And then you walk by THAT guy. You know, the one with the swelling pants. He makes an unoriginal comment. Today, it was: "Baby, you have NICE legs."

I was dressed in a Banana Republic skirt that hangs below the knee, heels, a cream and tan striped sweater with a white collar peeking out. I wasn't going to for "swelling" of pants! I Waaaasss going to WORK.

Flashback to fifth grade. I was lined up against my school's painted brick hallway, waiting to go into the auditorium with the rest of the choir and sing my heart out, when I was goosed by a redheaded tenor! I stood there motionless and blushed. But unfortunately for him, my aunt Nancy saw his grubby hand as it touched me. As she yelled at him, I felt like I had let her down. But now, YEARS LATER, I realize, I had let myself down.

Today, when I was faced with an older version of this kind of sleeze, I reacted differently.

"That is very rude," I said, stopping to give LEGS man the "I WILL MESS YOU UP" look.
"NO, it's a compliment," he said.
"Well, perhaps that's how you meant it, but I do NOT need you telling me I have nice legs. It doesn't make me feel nice, and that sir, is what a compliment is supposed to do."

I only wish my aunt had been there to witness how far I've come!

What do you think? Is it OK to pay a lady a "compliment" or should these men mind their own business? Do you respond? Or just ignore?

Top 10 signs you’re dating the wrong person

1. Your friends roll their eyes when they hear your “insignificant other’s” name.

2. Your family demands that you erase this person from your life ASAP (and this is coming from the people who REALLY want the BEST for you).

3. You often ask yourself what you’re doing when you dial this person OR answer their frequent calls. If you don't even know why you're doing it, SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG.
4. You make lists. Lists are always a sign that something is w r o n g. (Please don't point out the irony that my post today is a list).

5. You use the phrase, “You don’t know him/her like I do… he/she is different when it’s just us. (This is just a sign that he/she is playing GAMES with you or someone else who might be “watching” the two of you in which case YOU DONT KNOW HIM/HER AT ALL).

6. You’ve changed your middle name to “Disappointed,” and he/she doesn’t even notice.

7. You’ve toned down your “nice” factor to match his/her personality.

8. They’ve been deleted from your cell’s contact list… then re-added… then deleted again...then re-added with a new name…. something like “DON’T ANSWER.

9. You actually pick up your phone when it says, “DON’T ANSWER CALLING.”

10. ______________ (Fill in the blank).

And come on, do you really need TEN signs?

Monday, June 18, 2007


“I don’t really want to be here,” he said as he finished off his Corona.

The music was pumping loudly and she didn’t want to be there either, but she could see where this was going.

“So you have a boyfriend?” he asked.

She stammered, looked at her bare ring finger and mumbled, “Not exactly.”

Apparently he wasn’t looking for a firm “NO,” and the not exactly gave him the needed ammunition for his next question.

“Well can I have your number then?”

Her face contorted, she glanced around feverishly and weighed the possible outcomes...

She could say no and stick with the un-boyfriend.
She could say yes and never answer the phone and still stick with the un-boyfriend.

Or she could say yes… and possibly get what she wanted after all.

So if there aren't any "rules" for the in between...
and commitment is a word not found in her current relationship dictionary...

What SHOULD she have done?

Friday, June 15, 2007

MYSPACE. A place for “friends?”

A quick look at my “friends” list the other day proved one thing to me.

MYSPACE is a sham.

Some people “collect” friends like they would rare coins… determining which person has the best value and appropriate shine for their top 8.

And some people gather friends in a ravenous attempt to “know” everyone like hungry insatiable children.

But I came to the conclusion that having access to “my space,” doesn’t mean you know me.

And it certainly doesn’t make you my “friend.”

So I “deleted” 30 something friends from my “list.”
Those people I used to work with but were decades younger than I was and the only thing we had in common was soup salad and bread sticks from the Olive Garden.
Those people I met while out and shared a laugh with and the eventual “ARE YOU ON MYSPACE?” conversation. But this conversation only leads to 3 a.m. friend searches where the only criteria you’re sure of... is the persons first name (not how to spell it) and what they look like after 14 pints under the glow of a neon Miller Lite sign.

But after losing 30 “friends…”
After cleansing myself of people who don’t matter but had access to my recent life…
After deleting people from my online world…

Only ONE person noticed.
Only ONE person asked why I had done it.

Only o n e.

So I think this quick awareness of my disappearance, and the fact that this person demanded an answer as to why I had done it proves one thing.

This person is my friend.

And his approval of my new request to have him back is pending.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Key to any healthy relationship? Why, the Yankees, of course!

Back-to-back episodes of Whose Wedding Is It Anyway are on, but my man has beaten me to the couch -- and to the remote. While it's no STYLE channel, the YES network has grown on me (in small doses) and the Yankees/Rangers have become my favorite teams too.

Last night, as the Yankees issued an Arizona beat down, I was one of 50,000 fans, with peanut shells in my hair and all, slapping high fives, cheering "Hip, Hip, Jorge!" and scarfing down dirty water dogs.

Like Chrissie's roommy, I have become a supporter of my (sports-aholic) boyfriend, which means showing off my CANO shirt, asking questions like "What the Heck is ICING?" and tolerating Sports Network (the commercials are the best!).

You do have to become interested in your man's hobbies, or else you are isolating yourself from a big part of his life. Lucky for me, it's not hard to like the Yankees. It could be worse, he could be a Red Socks Fan. (Check out this cap!)

But most streets run two ways, and so, the day will come when I beat Chris to the remote, and STYLE has this great new show, I Propose, I'm sure he'll LOVE it! (and maybe get some ideas).

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Flip the what?

People may often wonder, if dating a "musician" automatically turns them into his/her "BIGGEST FAN."

I can say honestly that in my case a couple years ago, this was not true.

Although Mr. X fancied himself a musician… I thought of him more as a techno-obsessed-procrastinator.

But my dearest friend has recently become her new boyfriend's most fervent devotee.
She blares their CD in her car as she plows through our parking lot.
She begs me to see their shows months in advance.

And she has their bumper sticker placed perfectly on the back of her car.

The best part of which is that the band's name is "Flip the Bird."

So as she's showing her love for her man and his group-mates, she's also telling off the rest of the world.

I guess you can hate her if you want to… afterall she does love a cover band.

But remember that if you want to flip her off because of it, you're only egging her on… eventually pleasing her, and her bird.

Do you think you have to "love" someone's talents just because you "love" them???

Top 10 reasons to go out on a weeknight...

even though you have to be to work early.

1. DRINK SPECIALS!!! They use them to lure us in… and they WORK. Dollar Drafts anyone? Save the 4 bucks you usually spend on that afternoon Venti Latte and you’ll get a buzz on in the evening instead.

2. The CREEP who stalks you on Saturdays stays in on weeknights, so you won’t have to hide in your hoodie and ask your friends for “protection” on THIRSTY Thursdays.

3. Your significant other will be “too tired,” so you can go out without the ball and chain for once.

4. 5:30-7:00 p.m. on a weeknight is prime time to fish for a man in a suit. It’s better than the 2 a.m. puddle you may find yourself casting your bait into on Saturday.

5. No one at work will expect that your bloodshot eyes and frequent trips to the bathroom are the result of going out since it’s not the weekend. You can blame your allergies and head home early.

6. You can wear the same outfit you wore last weekend to the same place and no one will know the difference.

7. It’s much nicer to drown a Monday with a margarita than the hangover from Friday night.

8. Instead of waiting in LINE to get into the club, you can actually take a seat and enjoy your time inside. No more hours freezing in your tank tops or ruining your “do” due to the summer’s humidity.

9. You might be able to meet someone new, the crowds change with the days of the week, so no one will know if you're a "regular."

10. What’s your alternative? You really think that watching the history channel AGAIN will give you the same memories as meeting your friends for drinks??? Think of the last time you went out for j u s t o n e… and I bet it turned into a night you’ll never forget.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Reasons why I'm not going out on Thursday night (even tho I have Friday off)

1.) I'd have to dig up my "going out" clothes (and check for moth holes).
2.) I'd have to wear my "going out" clothes that make me feel like I've got a giant rubber band around my hips.
3.) I'm so stick of this pre-planning convo: "Where should we go?" "I dunno, what do you think?" "Ummm... I guess Mahoney's." Check out this link for other ideas
4.) My friends are either at work, putting their CHILDREN to bed or getting ready for bed themselves.
5.) Who am I kidding? I'll be leaning against the wall with the case of the YAWNS before the DJ starts playing.
6.) I don't think "Ma, I spent your b-day gift money on getting trashed" will go over well at her party this weekend.
7.) I gotta man.
8.) I might run into the guy who likes to picture me in a bikini in cancun. See creepy letter Blog post HERE:
9.) Let's face, I'm too G.D. OLD!

Girly girl or wo-MAN?

I did nothing but manly man's work all weekend. Sanding, scraping, priming, painting... Driving to Dill's to pick up supplies... Hanging out with the general contractors at the local deli...

That's when I realized that there are two types of women in this world.

There's the woman who would have gone shopping while the manly man's work was going on. After all, she did just spend $25 on a manicure!

And there's the woman who would ROCK a pair of jean cutoffs and get down & dirty. A day later, her elbows would be evidence that she could have been put on a roller and been used to paint the walls.

There's the woman who goes to the "ladies room."
And the one who has to pee.

There's the one with a perfect tan.
And the one who brags about her scars.

The one who says "Oh, darn it."
And the one who isn't allowed around small children.


Roughing it

After a “girls only” camping trip I realized a few things…

1. Women CAN live in the wild on their own… fending for themselves against bugs, dirt and the dreaded port-o-john.

2. Women DON’T WANT to live in the wild on their own.

After a few hours of traditional camping rituals, drinking, staring at the fire, hot dog eating and a little more drinking… someone pointed out how incredibly dark it was.

We were hours from civilization with no cell service.
We had no weapons other than the PINK “mini-mag light” that my roommate’s boyfriend had bought her to counter his own HUGE BLUE "man-sized" flashlight.

Eventually, my friend uttered the words, “I wish there was a man here.”

And there it was.

We’d regressed decades into a time when women “needed” men to protect them.

I was suddenly speechless…

I wanted to say, “No we don’t! I’ll protect us!”

I wanted to say, “I’ve got my knife right here, no worries!” But I realized the only knife I had was made of pink plastic (a residual bridal shower utensil).

So instead I just sat there quietly… hoping that no one could see that I was worried too.

Not so much worried about the dark, but instead about my own desire for our own personal Daniel Boone... and all the “protection” he offers.

Friday, June 8, 2007

WOULD YOU DATE THIS GUY? Because I wouldn't!

Here's something to think about -- the MALE GYNECOLOGIST!

Maybe more importantly, would you be his patient and his girlfriend?

The exterminator!

Haven't you heard the cockroach on the shoe story?

The taxidermist!

Self explanatory

Whatever Six Feet Under! Funeral homes are creepy!

The Dating Resume Continues...

Top 5 LEAST Dateable Professions

(According to Chrissie Lynn)

1. Bartender- He gets tips to flirt, knows plenty of intoxicated women who have lost their inhibitions and he works until 5 a.m. Need I say more?

2. "Freelancer"- He "works" his own hours and is constantly struggling for work. His inadequacies highlight your successes and he suddenly becomes the "freeloader."

3. "Carny"- You know, the guy who works at the fair, helping little children get into their teacups, scrambler, or ferris-wheel. You can also find him on the Internet... just Google search "Sex Offenders" to see his "work experience."

4. Physical Trainer- He spends his time mixing protein shakes and flexing in front of the mirror. In his free moments, he's helping Ms. Implants into the tanning bed.

5. Mr. Mafia- When Frankie, Richie, or Johnny take your arm, you also need to take up a new hobby. Like researching the "witness protection program," and figuring which new name will suit you best when you run away.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Strippers stay at the club, I'm bringing the Doctor Home!

So we wouldn't bring the strippers home to mom... but who WOULD we want to bring back to meet the family???

TOP 5 Most Dateable Male Professions
(According to Chrissie Lynn)

1. Musician (This includes "the sound guy").
2. Fireman (Preferably, with the suspenders, minus the shirt).
3. "Artist" (Any sort... creativity counts).
4. Politician (He's in CHARGE!)
5. Doctor (He's smart, successful, and that stethoscope makes your heart pitter patter;)

Check out what other people polled thought, and tell me what I missed.

(Top 5 LEAST Dateable Male Professions Coming Soon:)

THE BACHELOR PARTY MYTH: "I did not look below the neck."

Boy tells Girls: I'm going to a friend's bachelor party.

Girl replies: Will there be strippers?

Boy says: Of course not. Strippers are dirty, disgusting...

Girl exclaims: OK, good. No strippers.

Boy comes home from bachelor party and tells girl there were strippers, and a strip club, but not to worry, he didn't "partake" in the "activities."

You be the girl. How do you respond?

1 -- You are a disgusting man-whore! Get away from me.
2 -- Ooooh, were there any cute girls there?
3 -- That's the last bachelor party you go to.
4 -- I'm glad you had a good time.

Planning a bachelor party? The Wedding Channel says use your head.


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

The Dating “ULTIMATUM”

SCENARIO: Boy meets girl. Girl and boy hit it off. A few months later, girl decides she needs evidence of where this "relationship" is “going.”

METHOD: Girl sends boy a form of communication stating what she wants, and what she feels she deserves from him.

THE RESULT: Frenzied waiting for a response.

Is there ever a good time for a girl to ask for what she wants, or should she coyly wait around for what may never happen?

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Top 10 Reasons Not to Get Married

1. Think of all the debts you could pay off with that 10 GRAND you dropped on ONE DAY.

2. You will be too drunk to remember it, so all that time and planning goes to waste.

3. Everyone is secretly cursing your marriage and finding fault with your relationship, so why do you want to buy them an expensive meal and provide them with an open bar?

4. Your $2,000 wedding dress could feed an entire village of starving children, OR YOU COULD WEAR IT FOR ONE DAY.

5. That rock on your finger is evidence of bloodshed in the diamond mines.

6. Instead of a down payment on a home, you have a down payment on an article of clothing. Good luck raising your kids in between the white layers of taffeta.

7. Does the word “forever” mean anything to you? F O R E V E R! You're officially trapped.

8. Months, years, of planning are over in 8 hours or less.

9. No matter how much “product’ the salon puts in your hair, it will still fall by reception's end and you will look like Medusa rather than the put-together Mrs. Blank you wish to be.

10. You’ve been found guilty of creating a gift registry. It’s the social equivalent of being outed as a greedy, needy, brat. You’ve actually sent your friends and family on a “scavenger hunt” for your most wanted possessions… shouldn’t “the one,” be enough for you???

Future Bridezilla versus Future MOBzilla

Momma Dukes e-mailed me a few days ago with a link to an eBay site and a comment: "What do you think?" I opened it, and to my horror, it was an $80 secondhand wedding gown, with sequence (see the photo)! The ad proudly states: "This dress gives off a blue tint." Great for that bride-smurf look!

I wrote back: "Ummmm... I think I'm not engaged."

And then it hit me! My mom is a MOBZILLA-in-training!

AND, What a relief! Finally, there is someone as crazy as me about my (not in the very near future) wedding. And as crazy as these people:

There is one thing we don't see eye-to-eye on (Bridezilla versus MOBzilla).

Mom used words like: "frugal," "inexpensive," "penny-wise," "thrifty," "prudent" and "economical" to describe my (non-existent) wedding. "Remember," she said, "my wedding dress only cost me $80!"

That's when I started to feel HAPPY that I AM NOT planning my wedding!

Monday, June 4, 2007

The Doomed March to Pomp and Circumstance

If you graduated recently, you may want to check out this piece of advice from yours truly that appeared in Saturday's POJO:

Congrats grads and good luck - but run away if you can

Right about now, all those recent college graduates who just joined the rat race, err, uhh, I mean entered their career, are sitting in front of their computers surrounded by windowless walls, thinking:

"So this is hell!"

Let me be the first to extend my sincerest, heartfelt condolences for your tremendous loss. I experienced the same grief several years ago, when I tossed my cap in the air and caught an unwelcome case of adulthood. Symptoms include irritability, back pain, blurred vision, depression, fatigue, weight gain, dry mouth, dizziness, wrinkles, anxiety and bitterness.

For the slow learners, the ones who might not see the steel window bars and the leather whips in their managers' hands, I have some survival advice. Here are the rules to which you will abide by for the next 40 years of your life:

1. Pick up your pin-striped uniforms prior to day one. You are not to wear flip flops, tees, hip huggers or any piece of clothing you ever felt comfortable or stylish in. Violation will result in a 10-minute lecture, compliments of your boss.

3. Don't make plans after work with friends who don't have real jobs and can still enjoy the responsibility-free lifestyle. After your eight-hour day, you'll proceed directly home, take a nap (as you adjust to 7 a.m. alarms), eat something microwaveable and go back to bed. Tomorrow you will repeat.

4. Be wary of undeserving sick days. While you are recouping in bed from Thursday night's hangover, your boss is maxing out the capacity of your e-mail inbox with time-sensitive to-dos, that require you working on Saturday, which by the way, will be the most perfect summer day.

5. Your boss is smarter than you think. One day you are on your MySpace site, reading a bulletin about Mr. Thatcher's "Have a happy period" blunder. The next day, the Web site has been blocked by your IT administrator, who has e-mailed you a detailed (and accurate) chart on your Web usage.

6. Say goodbye to that cute size 6 and say hello to a daily supply of irresistible sweets, courtesy of those co-workers who said goodbye to their size 6s a long time ago.

7. Any money that you earn on-the-job will NOT be spent for pleasurable purposes! It will go directly to rent, car insurance, gasoline, utilities and all those other things your parents used to pay for while you were still in school.

Ah yes, GRADUATION. I remember the day like yesterday. All my friends and family came out to watch me walk down the aisle and collect my diploma. But they were really watching as I walked the plank. Blindfolded.

Doesn't working suck?

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I caught the bouquet...

And I couldn't stop crying.

My older sister got married yesterday and I was the epitome of wedding ridiculousness.

I cried the entire time.
I drank way too much cheap champagne.
I gave a terrible and extremely short speech.
I ended up swimming in the pool with my female date and the hired help after the reception.

OH! AND I caught the bouquet.

Actually... I FOUGHT for the bouquet, which I only later realized when other female guests said I was vicious and showed me their battle scars on their toes. I was literally stepping all over them in my 5 inch heels in order to catch that bundle of fake flowers.

The girl who "hates weddings," the girl who curses love, the girl who is often referred to as bitter and jaded gave it her all and caught the bouquet.

But I think this is proof of only ONE thing.

That the whole "she who catches the bouquet is the next to get hitched," thing is just as big a farce as marriage itself.

After all, I CAUGHT IT.

Friday, June 1, 2007

The Third Time's a Charm???

I've had three relationship-y dreams in the last few days.

New boy says, "I love you," and I step on two pieces of glass. The first one comes out quickly and doesn't even bleed, but the second continues to embed itself deeper into the heel of my foot. I wake up before I can get the second one out.
MY ANALYSIS: I've had 2 serious relationships, the first moved on swiftly and so did I, but the second is like a scar that won't fade.

DREAM TWO: New boy says, "I really love you, but you're too smart for me and I'm too hot for you."
MY ANALYSIS: See above;) HAHA! Naw... mostly fear based, excuse making symbolism.

DREAM THREE: Boyfriend number one, (the relationship that began in high school and lasted through half of college) decided he wanted me back. He wasn't shy about his choice and made advances toward me in front of his current girlfriend and everyone else around. We ended up hiding out from "the bad guys" (your typical amorphous dream demons that you never see but you can feel). Our hiding place was a coffin.

MY ANALYSIS: Boyfriend number one was "that guy," you know the one that your parents WANT you to end up with. Extremely loving, doting, and ambitions, he represents the "good guy," in my dreams. Apparently, the good guy is the only one who can save me, but in order to do so I end up in a coffin. (You know... like a stagnant relationship... one without passion that leaves you depressed and wanting more "until death do us part."