Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It's called a break up

because YOU'RE broken.

Signs you've gone through a break up that was not so easy:

1. Your coffee table is littered with self-help books to get you through those lonely nights. Unfortunately, these books will also embarrass you months later when you're "so over him," that your new guy picks up "MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE," and laughs.

2. Your hair, which is usually shiny and well groomed is suddenly a mess in need of a trim and highlights.

3. ...UNLESS of course, you want to fall off the "sexy" radar for awhile and you get a new do that's not exactly man-friendly.
(Goodbye flowing tresses, HELLO buzz cut!)!!!

4. Your friends make you mixed CDS of songs you love and stop by your apartment nightly with wine, ice cream and little gifts to bring you out of your doom.

5. You refresh your INBOX repeatedly waiting for the "I'm sorry, let's get back together email," and sleep with your phone in hand.

6. You seek out ANY distraction you can, usually in the form of empty pint glasses.

7. Mr. Back-up is suddenly over with girly-movies in tow in the hopes of convincing you that "not all men are evil."

8. You've revamped your apartment, forgetting the feng shui you used to find so important and instead using this as your guideline to decorating: "REMOVE EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE EX, EVEN THE MICROWAVE IF NECESSARY."

9. You've either gained or lost 15 lbs. If you've gained, people ignore it. If you've lost, people tell you that you "Look great! Getting rid of HIM was the best thing that ever happened to you." (You however, know that shedding those 15 lbs is evidence of a broken heart, NOT a new found lease on life and your treadmill).

10. You realize that you and Britney Spears finally have something in common, "SHEAR" INSANITY.

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But what I wonder is this, what do MEN do after they breakup with someone? I just can't picture Mr. Masculine cuddling up with his kitten and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.


tnmiller said...

It's all the context of the breakup. If the guy is the one doing the dumping, it's something he wanted, so life goes about as normal, not realizing how much he potentially hurt the girl until it happens to him.
ON THE OTHER HAND, two years later, when the guy is unexpectedly dumped in the same bitter fashion (karma, you say? yes, it's getting bitter and personal now!), it can be a real mess, depending on how involved he was.
1) I don't think gaining weight is in the program, because pining over the woman takes a lot out of you, so its more like losing weight. Enough that people notice, and then you tell them your girlfriend broke up with you and they're quick with the "oh you were too good for her" pre-fabricated b.s.
They mean well but guys don't buy that crap.
2) Use the "cute" card. Use a third person to help you out. This is desperation and only looks pathetic, but guys will retreat to it every time. If she has a little sister, niece, or if you have a little brother or sister she adores (I'm talking under the age of seven or eight), you try to get to her through them. A phone call telling her they miss her, or spoiling her niece/sibling until they tell her how much they miss you being around.
3) Reverting to the romance of the beginning of the relationship. Sending cards, flowers, anything. Referring to inside jokes that are millions of years old and only you and her will understand in hopes of rekindling that flame she once felt. Making her remember everything good about you.
4) If her family and best friends are still on your good side, guys will keep them as close as possible. Attempt to squeeze any information out of them as possible, trusting them with every word they say, blindly neglecting to realize they're closer to her than they are to you REGARDLESS.
5) If real therapy isn't in order, read your favorite PoJo blog religiously, and use IT as your therapy!

I could keep going, but that essay will do for now.

Sarah said...

TN, you should try the "I'm over it" card and your new found confidence could send her cartwheeling back to you.

tnmiller said...

She knows me too well to buy that. I go through all 6 steps to recovery every day!
It's come to the point where I've just disassociated myself, but it still doesn't help...