Thursday, July 19, 2007

Shower YOUR baby

You’ve done it.
You’ve gone and gotten pregnant and now you want me to be all puppies and kittens about it.

I can’t.
I’m sorry.

Your kid, like your wedding, and your new curtains just aren’t my thing.

It’s hard enough to be excited about a friend’s new pet, let alone his/her new "miniature person" that reminds me I’m getting older, “alone-er” and that I’m prone to tension headaches at the sound of loud noises.

You know, like the screaming your “perfect” kid is doing while I’m trying to enjoy my martini and pasta.

So instead of making your friends the "bad guys" and expecting them to offer up the fact your baby just isn't their "thing," take a look at some clues that your friends aren't in the mommy club yet.

Signs I don’t like your "cutesy-woootsey"

1. When you say you’re bringing the baby, I suddenly have a headache and can’t go out.

2. When you ask me to hold him/her I end up with my hands grasped too tightly under its armpits while I try desperately not to let them touch me. (Keep the baby at arm’s length)!!!

3. Babysitting is not something I do… unless you REALLY, REALLY need it. In which case, I’ll call my little younger sister to help you out at 5 bucks an hour.

4. Your baby’s smile reminds me somewhat of that Harry Potter character. You will know this by my grimace rather than my returned smile when the little "Punkin" grins like a jack-o-lantern.

5. I accidentally refer to you’re your baby as “it” rather than him or her. Ooops.

So, how do YOU cope with your friend’s kids, and do you think your actions are evidence of how you’ll be as a parent?


Sarah said...

Oh man, my brother's 4th child is a SCREAMER. And I can't help but think, WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO ME? And then I think, I should never have kids, because I just don't know how he deals!

Chrissie said...

My younger sister (born when I was 14) screamed, non-stop, for 3 years.

The only thing that shut her up? The sound of the vacuum cleaner.

Let's just say our house was spotless...

Anonymous said...

great...little jimmy learned how to use the toilet...who cares? No need to thanks us for paying school taxes for a school we'll never use, pulling your weight at work when one of you're 3 monsters has their ninth ear infection and your out ..again, tolerating your screaming child in a restaurant because you've decided to finally say "no" to them, and living next to a yard filled with cheap plastic toys and an inflatible snowman you leave up until easter. your welcome.

Alice said...

Um, this is going to show just how much of a dork I am. The character is actually from Lord of the Rings.

He does, however, resemble many a newborn baby.

Chrissie said...

Ha Alice! I don't know if I'm ashamed of my mistake or not...