Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Hot as hell


Man in the hoodie: "You're hot as hell!"
Me: "WHAT?!"
Man in the hoodie: "Hot as hell, right? Your costume?"
Me: "OHHHhhhhh. No, but good guess, or thanks, or something..."

---
Mr. No Costume: "Fried egg?"
Me: "Einstein? Albert?"
Him: "No, I left my costume in the car. I couldn't drink with the mask on."
Me: "Why are you still talking to me?"

---
Ok, maybe I wasn't that rude. But I was a little shocked. I didn't think men would actually try to pick up an oversized, furry egg. Was it the sexy cardboard? wool fabric? the oval shape?

Didn't they see the Don't Cha Wanna FANTA girl and the camel she rode in on?

My guess is that a creative costume, with the sex appeal of toothpaste, says confidence.

Well, anyway....

I'm icing my cheeks today.

Mostly because Chrissie (and Bri) know how to make each other laugh.

And there was lots of dancing!

But also, because it's true, eggs do have more fun than Ho-llo-weenies.

VIEW THE PHOTOS FROM MAHONEY'S TUESDAY HERE

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Preparing your place

“Do you want to come over here, or watch the movie at your place.’
“Uh, you can come over here, that works for me.”

A quick scan of the apartment I share with ME proves IT DOES NOT WORK.

At least not without an hour or two of preparation.

The things you must take care of, if he's COMING OVER

1. Cat litter: Sure, you scoop daily, but the last thing you want him to think when he walks in the door is, “I smell cat… she IS the cat lady who lives all alone.”

2. The sheets: If you like him, change em, if you don’t, leave a pair of dirty socks near your pillow to prevent any “mistakes.”

3. Make up: All products that “enhance” your beauty should be out of sight, let him think you naturally look like a cover girl, rather than the chick who keeps them in business.

4. The Fridge: A bunch of condiments and a half-empty bottle of chardonnay do not scream, “SHE TAKES CARE OF HERSELF.” Buy some fruit and pretzels in case the man needs a snack or you do. It’s better to whip out the bowl of grapes instead of a bowl of Ramen Noodles in front of him.

5. The booze: If you have “a half empty Brita water filter,” Michelob Ultra and myriad bottles of wine, he may think you also have a drinking problem. Buy some orange juice and diet coke to even out the “spread.”

6. The towels: If he’s staying over, he’s going to want to shower in the morning. Offering him your damp, yesterday’s-mascara-ridden towel isn’t exactly hospitable.

7. The soap: Have a bar of something in there in addition to your “Extra Creamy Body Rinse” scrub. The last thing you want is for him to emerge from your steamy bathroom, smelling just like you.

8. The computer: SHUT IT DOWN if your desktop is a photo of the two of you, and you’ve only known him 2 weeks. What he doesn’t know can’t creep him out;)

9. The music: Maybe you rock out to Missy Elliot in your free time, but blaring “Get your Freak On” when he walks in the door may freak him out.

10. The mood: Don’t go overboard with the candles. A few for lighting and scent are fine, but it’s not necessary to light every one you own, unless you’re planning a séance.







What are some of the things YOU do to “prepare” your home (or yourself) before you have company?

There's no place like HIS home

Come Friday, I throw some clothes, books and bath products into a bag, then it's off to C.'s house for the weekend. Ok, maybe it's a few bags. And the whole trunk of my car.

Unfortunately, there's always that moment Saturday when I realize that I left something completely necessary behind. Like my favorite eye liner or my brown Sketchers.

When the travel is reversed, C.'s bag consists of his coat pockets, and his items include: clean underoos and gel.

Guys, why not lighten her load? Womanify your abode with:

1. Conditioner. (Not the 2-in-1 bottle either.)
- Bonus points for having lotion, scented body gel and a loofah.
TIP: Scope out the products in her shower and duplicate.
2.
Fuzzy afghans.
- You don't have to go to the Middle East. K-mart sells them for $9.99.
TIP: The softer, the better.
3. Candles.
- Or at least one BIG candle. We'll settle for a manly scent, like clean cotton or lemon spruce.
TIP: If your friends ask, say it was a gift.
4. A full ice box.
I love to cook for HIM, but making something edible out of condiments is not possible. Well besides Russian dressing.
TIP: Buy food that can be frozen to avoid mush.

Of course, girls also NEED toilet paper, a clean shower and bed sheets... but hopefully you have that covered already!


WHAT DID I MISS??????

Monday, October 29, 2007

You must be THIS tall to ride this ride

And slightly taller to date this girl.

“On average, women indicate that they’d like to meet a man at least 4 inches taller than themselves (a good sized stiletto heel).”

We all have standards.
Sometimes we’re seeking an educated significant other, sometimes we focus on their interests and personality.

And we usually lie about our “physical requirements.”

But lets face it, we all have a “type.”

This doesn’t make us, shallow, or rude, or bound to be alone forever.

It makes us human.

Humans who need to be physically attracted to their partners.

My requirement?
Height.

You must be taller than me.

(I’m only 5’2… so it’s not that hard).

But not only do I want to make sure I’m not the Katie Holmes to your Tom Cruise, I also want to make sure that when I hug you, I can tuck my head softly against your chest.

Because that’s just what fits.
For me.






Comment and tell me what fits for you:)

Friday, October 26, 2007

From EX-cuses to "Excuse me I didn't mean THAT"

There’s always that guy you made EX-cuses for.).

1. “But it’s different THIS TIME.
2. “People make mistakes… some more than others.”
3. “But kissing isn’t cheating… is it?”

Yet there usually comes a time when our mouths are finally too dry to keep on telling the people who care about US that he’s “not that bad.”

And this time is usually evidence of finding someone we don’t need to make excuses FOR...

But rather a time to start making excuses for OURSELVES.

Such as:

1. “I can’t go out tonight, I’ve got other plans.”
2. “I know, I know, I always said “don’t rush it,” but this feels different.
3. “Girls night? I forgot, I WANTED you to meet him.

And in the end it’s not a bad thing to go from EX-cuses to...

“Excuse me, men aren’t so bad after all.”


Because instead of thinking about an unworthy past…
You can focus instead on an admirable present.

One that doesn’t need to be adorned with a distracting bow...
but one that is a gift in itself.

Dad: A dirty little word


Mom: "I saw your grandmother last night."
Me: "Did you ask her about... umm... dad?"
Mom: "I didn't want to bring him up."

Dad.

Since when did the word dad become unspeakable? When did dad get grouped into the category with the racial slurs, angry curses and plain verbal abuse?

Since when did everything dad stands for become so hideous that he can't even be brought up in a conversation? No "how is dad?" and "where is dad?" No "I love you dad" or "You're the best, dad."

The man (C.) who fills this fatherless hole in my life has tried to convince me that it's better to have had a dad, than to have had him whisked tragically away. His dad died of cancer when he was a boy.

I'm not so sure. In his house, dad IS a hero. He rides into their lives on a stallion as John Wayne. He gathers the kids in the yard for a game of catch as Babe Ruth.

If not in real life, in imagination.

At least his dad gave him that.

What do you think: Better to have lost a great dad than to still have one that is not mentioned at all?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

faux pas dating



Yeah, yeah.

You say follow your heart and not the advice of some played-out dating Web site (ah hemm...) but I say why ignore those who have called too often, asked the wrong question and left the mints in the car before the big lip-lock moment? (maybe I'm just biased...)

Who do you think said not to touch the stove — Someone who got burnt, that's who. Would you go around pressing your flesh on the burner if your heart told you so, despite the warning label "Touching will result in skin grafting" ?

Wouldya?


Let's test this go-with-the-flow theory.

Are you willing to label this dating decorum as cracked-up customs?

1) Never date a married person.

2)
Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true.

3.)
Don't be a toilet bowl hugger on your first date. Watch how much you drink.

4.)
Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again.

5.)
Do have fun when dating/don't focus on meeting Mr. Matrimony.


Or are breaking these RULES a major social blunder?






Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A game of telephone

I think the rules of dating were once introduced to the game of telephone, and over time, rules that once made complete sense are now just myths people continue to live by.

1. “Wait 3 days to call her.”
WHY ITS WRONG: If you meet someone great on Friday night, and wait until Monday or Tuesday to call them THEY MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH THEY ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU. Unless you made a completely STELLAR impression, this person may barely remember those jokes you shared or why they gave you their number in first place.
ITS ORIGIN: I think this rule was “Don’t be overly eager.” In other words, don’t come on TOO STRONG TOO SOON, don’t call her before she’s left the restaurant, don’t call her at 8 a.m. the next morning (or worse 4 a.m.). But showing her that you would like to chat again (GASP!) before MONDAY is OKAY.

2. “Don’t show him you’re interested, men like a chase.”
WHY IT’S WRONG: If you don’t show a nice guy that you’re interested, HE MAY NOT THINK YOU’RE INTERESTED. The super cocky guy who is smooth might let you play this game for a while, but a nice guy is going to take the hint that you’re not into him and run.
ITS ORIGIN: The idea that, “we all want what we can’t have,” is key in all aspects of our lives. But in dating it’s more about, “we all want what we can’t always have, right now.” The idea is that you shouldn’t be available at his every beck and call, not that you can’t be attainable at all.

3. “Wait 3 DATES before you ‘go the next step.’”
WHY IT’S WRONG: 3 dates is completely arbitrary, it doesn’t take into account ANYTHING THAT YOU’VE ACTUALLY DONE OR DISCUSSED. It shows that you “play by the rules,” even when those rules don’t apply to your idea of romance. Going the next step with someone should be about your comfort level, not the magic number “3.”
ITS ORIGIN: The idea that you shouldn’t give up too much too soon, but that could mean 13 dates or 3 years.









So do you agree with my assessment or not?
Comment and tell me if you've played by the rules and won, or thrown them out the window and STILL found "the one."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

When it's time to hand in your key


Why settle for the studio when you can have the cute house?

Before you call me a shiny rock miner, I'm not talking about adding to your assets. This is about progressing from solo in a single to coupled with enormous closets!

Even tho I agree with Chrissie -- there's something to be said about leaving your "need-todo-laundry" panties on YOUR floor without worry that someone else will spot them...

There's also something to be said about the man who finds you sexy in those droopy drawers.

-- He's the one who undoes that singlehood bolt -- caused by cockroaches who slipped through your cracks.

-- He makes you hand over your prized independence as if it were the lowly pretzels of the Chex Party Mix.

When that day happens, don't worry, you can still have YOUR empty Brita in the back of YOUR refrigerator...

Because you'll find you can fit all that was your tiny apartment inside the adorable new home that you both have together.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My Tiny Apartment

Yes, I live alone.

In a tiny apartment.

You can’t fit more than 3 people in the living area “comfortably,” and I say “living area” rather than living “room,” because technically…

My living room IS my kitchen
and my kitchen IS my living room.

So when it’s dirty it’s my fault
and when I decide NOT to refill the Brita water purifier and put it back in the refrigerator empty… I have no one to blame but MYSELF.

And that’s perfect.

Perfect because it gives me the time to breathe.
Time to explore the one person who will always be there, for me.

Me.

A person you would never know because you may be too busy exploring HIM.

And while I hope it’s not forever...
And that one day I might like a kitchen that ISN’T also my living room…

I still can’t think of anything better to offer
someone else…

than a whole, independent, ME

when they finally come knocking, on the door, of my tiny apartment.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Cream and sugar please

If only I liked my men like I like my coffee
Light and sweet.

Instead I’ve often been drawn to the dark and brooding…
The complicated Venti-Tai-Vanilla-Swirl-Latte-Thing when I could have been better suited with the Tall-Dark-And-Handsome.

We’re sometimes blinded by the jolt we’re seeking…
We want something strong to bring us out of our single-induced comas.
Something complicated enough to get our gears going.
Our juices flowing.

But even if you’re going on 2 hours sleep and the 64 ounce fanciful coffee is calling your name…
Getting it with cream and a little sugar doesn’t mean you’re settling.



It just means you’re getting something a little sweeter.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sensory Impaired People are Common

Would you settle for a diaper-flavored cup of coffee day-after-day?
Would you purchase pants that slouched around your wiggles and hugged around your ribs?
Would you dare use deodorant scented with Grand Central bathroom scum?

No. You wouldn't.

So, why would you date someone who isn't sweet, doesn't fit you and makes you feel rotten?

Please. Tell me. Why does she stay with him?

Boyfriend-induced sensory impairment, perhaps? Has Romeo reached into Juliet's brain and hit the common sense switch to off?

Or as Dane Cook points out the stellar reasons women stay with their boyfriends --

"My favorite CD is in his car."

A desirable fall

I read an advice column yesterday and the reader’s problem was that she “had been spending time with a man she was interested in, but that it seemed friendly rather than romantic.”

She wanted to know if she should tell him how she felt.
She wanted to know if it would “ruin” anything if she did.
She wanted to jump into the arms of a man who may have his hands tied behind his back.

The advice?

“Don’t rush anything you don’t have to and risk making a mistake, things will eventually fall into place and you’ll have your answer.”

Fair enough.

I’ve always thought it better to wonder than to know.
Better to hope than have disappointment.

But when does this become a hindrance to happiness?

Is it better to actually jump from that cliff into the unknown...
our fall only cushioned by the people we hope are there?

Or to want to jump?
To stand at the edge...
fully aware of the possibilities
but never suffering a bruise.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Why are you wearing so much clothing? It's Halloween!

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. --Mean Girls

Well folks, I googled until I got finger sores, however, I cannot prove that a man started this slutty costume phenomenon. Despite this, I'm on a mission to persuade women to take a freaking hint from our weather-appropriately-dressed male counterparts, and go for the Gorilla Costume this year! Better yet, point out to your man, it's THAT much better when he wears the dress!

That's right! BACK AWAY from the SWEDISH BIKINI MODEL outfit and finding something more suiting... Something that says brains and not boobs!

Here's my suggestions:

1. Smarty Pants -- glue some Smarties candies on your pants (yes, you have to cover your legs, sorry.)
2. Bad Spinach -- green outfit with leavy stuff, maybe an eyepatch labeled "ecoli". (nothing says sexy like ECOLI -- just check out my sentimental sediment post from Monday.)
3. One Night Stand -- cardboard box and a lampshade. (see you CAN send THAT message with out fishnets)
4. Wear all white, except for black lettering on your shirt that says "Size Doesn't Matter." Make sure you look all innocent. And if anyone asks, just tell them you're a --- little white lie.

More awesome ideas here! What's your favorite???



Happy HO-LOWEEN

It’s getting to be around that time again.
Where you once found the SCARIEST costume for Halloween, it’s now time for women everywhere to find the SEXIEST thing to wear.

You can’t GOOGLE “adult costume” without getting some tiny variation of what was once considered a whole costume...

Why would little Red Riding Hood wear fishnets?
Why would a pirate have on a mini-skirt?
Why, for the love of everything, would a baseball player wear HOT PANTS?

BECAUSE it’s not okay for women to be “unattractive” or “ugly” or “scary,” even if it IS Halloween.

But history didn't always have it this way...

"Costumes and masks were also worn at the festivals in an attempt to mimic the evil spirits or placate them."

So who exactly are we placating now???



I'd hate to compare men to evil spirits... but in light of Halloween I guess it might be okay...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Could God be that cruel?



Speaking of basketball analogies... Let's talk about scoring.

We here at the LOVEMAKING SCORECARD BUREAU have been keeping track, and men are ahead 1 trillion to 1.

Right ladies? How many times has the man gone for the hoop and gotten a 3-pointer (on the climax scale), while the woman is still in the locker room putting on her uniform.

Not getting it? I'm talking about the Big O. The Orrrrggggaaasssmmmm. And perhaps, the reason why I lose my job today (but hopefully not). This is for MEDICAL PURPOSES!

Either-Who, now is when I let someone ELSE do the talking.... Someone who must have lots of Os (and I'm judging this by her leopard print dress she's sporting on her Web site)!!!

Enter BOOK "You On Top" by Kate White. It explains WHY women CANNOT get in the O GAME!

White, who is the big kahuna over there at Cosmo Mag, says women don't take responsibility for their own MOVES. They say things to their girlfriends, like he made me have an O. But wait, did he or did you, or maybe (insert gasp noise) it was both???

She writes: "Men, on the other hand, always take charge of their own pleasure... they're always making sure the job is getting done." (May I add, at times, despite our clear annoyance!)

Her tip -- You gotta be willing to coach yourself to win the game! And don't be afraid to demand a longer warm-up!

If you think it's not fair that it's so easy for men, I agree. Listen to this: Dr. Elizabeth Lloyd believes its harder for a woman to achieve that heightened state because it's not necessary for the survival of the species.

And there you have it. God is a man. A cruel, cruel man. But alas, ladies, it's not totally true. We can demand an O for exchange of an ovary!

What do you think?

Monday, October 15, 2007

You're going to stick your finger where?


Maybe some of you have noticed something missing here at the Odd Couple (AH HEM). Well I'm back, (hold your woo wees! please), feeling violated, overwhelmed and grateful for a couch to work it all out on.

Specifically, I'd like to shoot the sh*t about the most wonderful event in the history of the universe... when the medical madman rolled me over, snapped a condom on his herculean hand and deliriously announced: He had to check my mudchute (eww, I know. But let's focus!).

Before I could whip out the pink rule book -- and show him violation 1: no one enters through the cellar Vaseline or not! -- the defilement was over with.

After his burglary into the pooh warehouse, Doctor Dignity Snatcher of the ER said: "Yup! She needs to be admitted to the hospital."

So you see, I'm not sure how I feel about a stranger knowing what the insides of my small intestines feels like. But I'm not sure that's less humiliating than having my boyfriend help me do the clenched cheek shuffle to the commode every hour or so.

I did learn one thing from this (fecal) matter... It was fertilizer spread on our relationship. When the going got tough, he went and got the pooper scooper!

Now that is my definition of sentimental sediment!

(Has your man seen you at your worst yet?)

The Flirtation Device

Forget your WingMEN

This past weekend proved that a man surrounded by women is a GOOD target for those other single ladies.

After being mauled and disrespected by a guy I had just met, who continually called me "Mommy" when I specifically waved my pointer finger in the air and said, "I don't DO the MOMMY thing."

I found solace in a group of girls who were also the target of this Oedipal Punk.

And those girls, were with a guy.

A nice guy... if you will.
One whose purpose was to entertain and protect the women he was with.

He slung his arm gently around their chairs to protect them from the other men who floated around the bar from one girl to the next.

And as I watched the Oedipal Punk... his obvious social drowning became VERY apparent to everyone.
(Especially when he finally got away from the back of MY chair and I clapped in the air loudly saying, "YAY THE CREEP IS FINALLY GONE").

But while we avoided the creep, we were swept to the shore of Nice Guy, who was floating smoothly among the waves with those girls he had shown up with.

Girls who knew what men were creeps
Girls who chose to hang out with this guy.

He didn't need them necessarily, but they kept his head well above the murky waters at the bar.

Acting as the perfect flirtation device to help him along.


(And maybe next time the Oedipal Punk will bring out his mommy;)

Friday, October 12, 2007

In full swing

It’s funny how we can tell the exact length of our relationships… what caused the demise… how long it took us to get from break up to make up to break up again.

But friendships aren’t so easy to gauge.

What starts as an unreturned phone call can take months, years to finally end.

We hide behind promises of “next weekend”
And “when we aren’t so busy.”

We forget what came so easily
and a life we once appreciated becomes a chore.

I met Jenn when we were 5.

It was easy.
It began with a simple request...
“I’ll be your best friend if you push me on the swing.”

So she pushed me.
And in turn, I pushed her.

Give and take
take and then give again…

We soared the heights of the playground together

And eventually found ourselves adults.

Sharing as much heartache as one can imagine.

Always giving
And taking
Then giving a g a i n.

Recently… after a particularly quiet weekend, I thought of Jenn.
Had she forgotten me?

And then the phone rang.
She called.
She missed me.

She gave me something
the simple idea that I was missed.
And I took it.

But as always... while promising to give it back.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

"Anonymous said...
boring, boring, let's get some sex talk going...
you're gonna lose all your male readers"
(THIS ONE'S FOR YOU ANONYMOUS)

The Friend with Benefits VS The Booty Call


FRIEND WITH BENEFITS
-You respect her
-You care about her in a way
-You enjoy her company
-She's your friend
-She's valuable

BOOTY CALL
-You don't know her last name
-You hope she doesn't care about you
-You enjoy her body
-She's an object
-She's disposable

My vote for "Most Promising Casual Partner"???

BOOTY CALL WINS!!!
WHY YOU ASK?
WHY WOULD THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST CHOOSE THE BOOTY CALL???!!!

Because although it's obvious who's been objectified...
the Friend with Benefits situation lends itself to more interpretation.

And we all know that more interpretation means more misunderstanding in the long run.



Which do you think works best for those who find themselves in-beTWEEN relationships?
Or shall we all remain celibate until we find the one?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

to timing

Dear you,

You are not on my side.

But you are everything.


I promise to give you free reign.

I will let you fly.

I will ask you to heal all those wounds.

Until you are my e v e r y t h i n g.

Tucked neatly on my side.

Monday, October 8, 2007

A warm and fuzzy

Dear C.,

I'm sorry.

S ometimes I overlook that you've given me all the cause in the universe to smile. Sometimes I forget that you've helped me come upon what I hunger for most. To never pass a day without wrinkling the corners of my mouth.

Since you, I never agonized that someday I'd wish my love was not C. Since you, I never thought that you'd stop being the one I spent from sun-to-set daydreaming about. Since you, I never feared I'd lose my shadow.

Since I've adored you, I've never felt the careless, imperfect side of love. Since I've loved you, I cannot remember the tastes of tears.

Because of you I know what love should be. Because of you I am. Because of you I roar and sizzle in this blog about the pitfall of men, of love. I do this because I know that you are not! some little girl's fantasy. I want them to know that too.

Thank you for giving me -- us -- this token to keep in our mittens.

S.

WANTED: Boyfriend

Top 10 signs you now actually NEED a boyfriend:

1. Living on one post-college income is impossible. You’d like to ask your credit card company to stop increasing your limits to tempt you and to instead hook you up with telemarketer-guy (at least he’s got a job)!

2. Weddings, parties, BBQs galore! Sure, it was cute to bring your girl-best-friend to prom when no one asked you, but now everyone in your family is beginning to think you’re… gay.

3. You’ve exhausted nearly all feminist literature and know “YOU CAN DO IT.” But you realize you don’t want to do it... alone.

4. You’ve learned THE TRUTH thatwell… cats aren’t as cute as dogs.

5. You created your own little landfill in the back yard to dispose of all those batteries… even the environment is suffering.

6. Your electric bill has gotten MUCH HIGHER because instead of reaching over for that Spooner-Man when you have a nightmare, you have to turn on all the lights in your apartment to make sure a masher hasn’t come to get you.

7. Sure, “pizza and movies” sounded like a dull existence… but now sans boyfriend you have no idea what’s actually playing at the theater. Instead you know the VH1 Saturday night line up… and all of Brett Michael’s girlfriends on a first name basis.

8. The term “Single-Serving” depresses you.

9. The “CHANGE OIL SOON” alert on your car means a phone call to dad. (A phone call to dad means the conversation about being gay again).

10. You know you need a boyfriend WHEN!!! You’re reading this… and agreeing with me;)

***Comment and tell me why I need to shut up and enjoy myself***

Friday, October 5, 2007

Petting my peeves again

Things that bother me on a “date.”

1. One-sided conversation:
ME: So, what do you do exactly?
This question is answered, in a 15 minute rant about your “job.”
After finishing your story about “work” you continue off on some other tangent about YOU.
YOOO HOOO!!!! REMEMBER ME???

2. The obligatory touching.
Face it, when you’re on a date you’re wondering “why isn’t he/she touching me?!!”
But then when your date does… it’s all about “why can’t he take his hand off of my leg now… it’s getting all slimy… and what’s with the TAPPING???"
I’m a woman, not a set of drums.

3. The check

You asked meyou pay. I suggest that I pay… you refuse to let me. This is all fine and very 2007.
DON'T throw me the “you can get the drinks afterward line."
(This seems nice enough... except the movie was 12 bucks for both of us, and you just drank an entire bottle of Tanquerey).

4. The “walk to the door.”

I know why you’re walking me there… it’s not chivalry… it’s not caring… it’s your attempt at seeing how far I will let you in.
***DISCLAIMER*** In spite of your intentions, YOU'D BETTER WALK ME TO THE DOOR!!! EVEN THE CAB DRIVER DOES IT! (Remind me to blog again about how nice Cabbie's are).

5. The obligatory “kiss” goodnight.
I don’t want to.
I just spent the last 3 hours watching a movie with my mouth closed.
I haven’t had a sip of anything non-alcoholic to drink in at least that long...and while you’re smacking away LOUDLY on your piece of Trident, you’ve yet to offer me a piece.
I do the hug…
I give you the cheek…
and there is somehow STILL THAT AWKWARD ALMOST-HEAD-BUTT that means you went for it… when I didn’t want you to.






***DISCLAIMER #2*** Not all dates I have been on have been terrible. So if you're feeling vain, read THIS POST and feel better.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Deed Has Been Done

The sheets are still damp and the room is balmy.

There are a million sweet, endearing things you could say.

But sometimes...
we let out the wrong kind of squeal.

So here's to sharing the BAD things we may have said to Mr. or Mrs. Whats-Their-Name-Again(?):

I'll start us off :P

1. "You've GOT to be kidding me!"

2. "You're on the pill right?"

3. "I'll getcha next time."







PG-13 Please!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Spoon vs. Fork


Why is it, that when you want to spoon, he morphs into the other kitchen utensil with the prongs.

You act like you must have rubbed Elmer's goo instead of wrinkle cream on your eyelids while he activates his superpower of persuasion. Here is his top 3 arguments (which demonstrate an IQ of a pile of rabbit turds).

Fork: I'll be quick.
Spoon: And afterwards, can you drop me off on the corner of Main and S. Clinton, so I can pick up my next customer?

Fork: We used to do it all the time!
Spoon: And you used to lick your chops as if I was dolled up in nothing but a yellow diamond, and the boat we were making Chicky-Chicky on was filling up with ocean creatures. Hmm how did that movie end? Oh I know. The broad and the jewel survived, but the bloke ... he only got lucky once.

Fork: My ex couldn't get enough, so what's YOUR problem?
Spoon: Isn't your ex making adult films now? I'm sure she's grateful for all that acting experience!

How does your man try to convince you? (Keep in mind this is a family blog. Big Brother needs to approve.)

"If you lie with dogs you get fleas"

Or (in the case below) a drug habit.

Me: What do you think of that guy over there? I just gave him my phone number. Friend: Who G.? Me: Ugh! not G. I've seen more attractive things in feminine hygiene trash units. The one NEXT to him, with the hat. Friend: I dunno that one, but I do know G. and he's a goober. Just be careful ok? Me: Okay.

(Skip to the good part)
G. was not only a goober, he belonged in the Goober Hall of Fame. G. continued to prove this point during the course of hatboy and my courtship. Then the worst happened. Hatboy, who had the intelligence of a squash, turned his nose into a vacuum cleaner and G. supplied the dirt. Hatboy and I couldn't breakup soon enough.

And so, I say, there should be a warning label on men who have friends who fail the upstanding citizen test. My version would go something like this:
Being friends with goobers is an extremely dangerous occupation that should be prohibited by girlfriend law #DR227.


(Disclaimer: this situation happened a long time ago, in a faraway land, and was not meant to hurt any froglike princes or maidens. Offended parties should contact the Odd Couple Authorities Immediately).

Friends WITHOUT Benefits

"You're only as good as the company you keep."

Although it is usually true
it is not always flattering.

We all have them... those friends without benefits.
Whether they've remained our friends through time because of a past rich with memories or they continually pop up in our lives out of chance...

We openly accept who they are
in spite of their badness.

But if we don't condemn their behavior...
Do we in turn condone it?

Maybe it's not our job to punish people for their bad character traits.
Maybe it is okay to accept that certain people in our social circles don't exactly shine.

But what does that say about US?
Our virtue?
Our goodness?

Because if we continually see and accept the bad...

How can we expect to feel good?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Why Men Think Women Love Jerks



"I'll take a Bud light" he told me.


These were the words of someone who obviously watches the Pick Up Artist. Mystery's No. 1 dating advice -- establish you are a jerk within 1 second.

It sure was effective. I shoved people at the bar aside. I waved my $8 in the air at the bartender. "HEY, this adorable, single man needs a BUD LIGHT!" I cried out. We exchanged glances of utter hysteria, and the cold brew was in his clutch in no time.

Hold-up...

That was how it played out on the male-skewed (and delusional) TV show. But as real life would have it, Mr. Blue Shirt got the "Do I Look Amused" face, followed by two words: "Beat It".

You see, in my rule book, Mr. Thirsty With No Money shouldn't approach girls and make first-impression demands, no matter how many episodes of VH1s "How to Get Slapped" he's viewed. I take my instruction from the "Why Men Marry B*tches" 10-step program.

Step No. 1 -- NEVER, EVER serve a man a beer, unless you are going to get a big tip.
Unluckily for him, I wasn't wearing my waitress apron that night.

Why do guys (like this one) think women love jerks???

Monday, October 1, 2007

Them's Fighting Words

We, at CureMaleStupidity.com, have complied an extensive list of male-spoken statements that have plagued females for many centuries, particularly during relational arguments. We post these as a helpful guide, so that males can avoid Estrogen Attacks, resulting in the following: possessions tossed from windows, involuntary sexual abstinence, unnecessary discussions about feelings, and cooking strikes. We are rooting for you!

Top things you don't say to a woman during fights:


"Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"

"Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."

"Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."

"Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife."

"Whoa, time out honey, the games back on TV."

"Are you going to cry? Again??"

"It's that time of the month, isn't it?"

"It's NOT that big of a deal!"

"Relax."

"You knew I was this way when we started dating."

Guys, what would the male-operated stopPMS.com say about females and fighting????



The Blame Thrower

Maybe she IS bitter.
Maybe she IS pessimistic and completely jaded.

But that doesn't mean
YOU ARE NEVER WRONG.

Time and time again, people who do nasty things attempt to apologize by placing the blame elsewhere.

Namely on the victim of the nastiness.

"Well I may have said that, but it's your low self-esteem that made it hurt."

I'm sorry, but since when did a person's esteem become their problem after being insulted?

So keep in mind, that when you've been rude to a woman
it is not HER ISSUES that make your comments offensive.

It's YOUR COMMENTS.
And the next time you're telling her
that her brain is to blame
for the hurt your comment caused... watch out.

Because a blame thrower is a torch after all...
and she's bound to burn you back.