Monday, October 1, 2007

The Blame Thrower

Maybe she IS bitter.
Maybe she IS pessimistic and completely jaded.

But that doesn't mean

Time and time again, people who do nasty things attempt to apologize by placing the blame elsewhere.

Namely on the victim of the nastiness.

"Well I may have said that, but it's your low self-esteem that made it hurt."

I'm sorry, but since when did a person's esteem become their problem after being insulted?

So keep in mind, that when you've been rude to a woman
it is not HER ISSUES that make your comments offensive.

And the next time you're telling her
that her brain is to blame
for the hurt your comment caused... watch out.

Because a blame thrower is a torch after all...
and she's bound to burn you back.


Anonymous said...

people like this, who avoid all-out contrition and shift the blame at any cost, are just trying to save what little is left of their dignity.

not because it's right for them to save it, but because they have so little it's a precious commodity, and they just can't afford to spare any.

these people are all over the place. everywhere. they are so ubiquitous that they appear to possess the natural order of human behavior.

and it seems to require better-than-average intellect to understand and to recognize this blame-throwing game as it's happening, in all its subtle and insidious forms, and NOT to accept it...

because so many people accept it.

Mayonaze said...

Sometimes you also have to look at the source. If the comments made are coming from a Second hand source, it may be like the "phone game." The information can change and the by the time the true source is confronted with the already modified story... no matter what is said in defense it looks like a lie. For instance a comment may be in jest between two people with no intent of harming a third party, however, that comment when discussed to the third party can be conveyed in a hurtful, negative manner. Example... two women can discuss a third woman's outfit to a wedding and comment "That dress is tight"... meaning it's form fitting and stated in a positve manner. This can then be stated to the third women as "She told me... wow that dress is way too tight". Negative spin on a positive comment. So look at the source and be opened minded when approaching the source if the information is given second hand. This is all hypothetically speaking of course.

Chrissie said...

Anon, I agree... it takes those with better-than-average intellect to understand and recognize the blame-throwing as it's occurring.

It really boils down to seeing the signs of manipulation.

And Mayo...

It's one thing to comment on the stretchiness of a dress.

Since tight does not always mean bad.

But not all words are open to the possibility of being positive.

I'd list these words or phrases, but I think if I did I might be insulting anon's intelligence.


Anonymous said...

this is funny... or sad maybe... i don't know... but it only took the second comment for a perfect example of just how subtle the game can be played.

Chrissie said...

Yeah, I had to chuckle at the fact that the BLAME was put on misinterpretation and the third party...

God forbid commenting negatively on a woman's appearance be considered wrong.

Anonymous said...

Very intrigueing. Blame was never mentioned in Mayo's statement. The individual stated that information can be lost in translation. Interesting how Chrissie uses the term blame in her reply. I guess it is all in the individual interpretation of the comment. Negativity begets negativity.

Chrissie said...

(Anon#1... this could go on all day I think;)

Chrissie said...

But let me attempt at being more “clear” and less “INTRIGUING.”

When something is LOST IN TRANSLATION, it is NOT an out and out INSULT to begin with.

Saying things like…

“Hey that guy is ugly.”
“She has a nasty body.”
“That girl is stupid, easy, fat and dumb.”


These are INSULTS and their purpose is to INSULT.

No amount of telephone turns the word “ugly” from glamorous to fabulous.

And no amount of negativity in a person’s psyche does either.

Whether the “victims” feel that they are these things is also unimportant.

Because it is NOT their character on trial here… it’s the character of the person responsible for the insult.

Maybe that guy is ugly.

Maybe he even knows that he is.

But that doesn’t mean you have to tell him.

Jared said...

Unfortunately I've never received one of those trophies that you get in the mail for being the one who was "right" in a disagreement, so I tend to throw in the towel in these types of arguments and save my energy for something of a little more consequence.

Anonymous said...

negativity begets negativity, huh... let me tell a little story of a subtle blame game that happened only this past week (like i said, these things happen all the time).

i witnessed an "incident" between two friends, let's call them girl#1 and girl#2. girl#1 insulted girl#2, not so much with what she said, but with what she implied...

girl#2 took offense immediately, but girl#1 refused to acknowledge it and just went on to change the subject and hope nobody noticed.

later on, girl#2 expressed to me how much what girl#1 said bothered her, how it hurt her, and how she couldn't understand why her friend would suggest something like that about her.

a few days later, i was hanging out with girl#1 (the insulter), who had not been in contact with girl#2 (the insulted) since the incident. i brought it up and explained to girl#1 that what she did was wrong, explained why what she did was wrong, explained why she did it, and told her she needed to apologize.

we spent three hours discussing it, and she mostly rejected my theories, but thank god she at least respected my opinion enough to take it, because i was as blunt and uncompromising with that opinion as i could be.

eventually girl#1 said to me, "well, i'm sorry if she was offended. i didn't mean it that way. i was misinterpreted...".

(this is no joke, btw... i am not making this up... those were her EXACT words... just fits so well here today).

i told her, "we all know exactly what you meant. and if you apologize to her like that, then don't be surprised if she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. you need to swallow your pride on this one. no excuses."

to make an already long story shorter, she slept on my advice, then called up girl#2 the next day, swallowed her pride, and apologized without a single excuse.

girl#1 forgave her, without hesitation, and they all lived happily ever after. an incident that almost destroyed their friendship became a non-incident just like that.

so... negativity begets negativity? no. contrition begets forgiveness. it's that simple.

though i can see why people might not completely understand that, as it took me over three hours to convince her of it.

but i did convince her.

Anonymous said...

whoops.. just read back... it was girl#2 who forgave girl#1, of course... got that mixed up there... if only i could use real names... must protect the identities of the innocent, and the guilty.

Sarah said...

I've experienced my share of torches, Chrissie. After the fires been set ablaze, they always come around with a half-a** bandage (like a piece of duct tape for your wound). But before you except it, remember that they are just going to yank it off in a few days, causing you to bleed over that new, nice white shirt.

Chrissie said...

Jared, I don't think it's about the trophy so much as the relationship that may or may not be ruined.

Although I do enjoy displaying mine on my mantel... right next to daddy's rent check and all the other wonderful things my over-privileged existence has made me feel entitled to.

Oh wait... sorry... that rant was for someone else.

ANYWAY, I think if relationships are important enough we will simply say we're sorry, no excuse, no cover up, no BS... and like anon's story things can likely be salvaged.

Unless of course it's the millionth time in a month's span where one was forced to apologize... it's cases like those Sarah, where we should take the duct tape off of our wounds and put it tightly over their mouths...

Sarah said...

Oops, I meant there are no "except"ions for these flame throwers' behavior, so don't accept their duct tape apologizes. I am smert today, huh? :-)

Sarah said...

AND, Yes I agree w/ Chrissie (even tho I'm not supposed to). The people who do the insulting are the ones with low self esteem.

So, shut the f'up, enter adulthood and take some responsibility for the insensible chum u spew! That'll never get old :-)