Friday, November 30, 2007

THE GOOGLE FACTOR

HOW I OUTED A TWEENER BY GOOGLING HIS NAME

Gone are the days of asking your friends, “Do you know so AND so?! I just started dating him!”

You no longer have to rely on word of mouth to get dirt on your new love interest, instead just GOOGLE them.

Most inquiries direct you to their MYSPACE page which may or may not have them listed as in a relationship (with you;)
But you can also find pictures, videos they've posted online, and their social history.

Maybe he was a rockstar in the 90s.
Maybe he has his own blog where he writes about you.
Maybe he has a family web page where you're listed as "the future daughter in law."

Or maybe he's a liar.
Because you may not always like what you find out…

CHRISSIE TO PETER PAN:

“So, you’re 27 huh?”

PETE: “Yep, twennnnnnnnnnnnnnty seven.

“I have a feeling you were born in 1975, which I believe makes you 32.”

(silence)

PETE: YOU GOOGLED ME!!!???

“Yes, actually I did. And your REAL date of birth was found right next to the reason you were arrested.


(We'll leave out the part where I continued to date him;)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Caught in the act

Dear Parents of the X,

I know what you did last summer. Well, maybe it was like six summers ago. But that doesn't change the fact that I know what you did. I saw the photographs. I caught you riding the KINKY express, shopping at the FreakALeek Department Store, flying the SEXaHolic Airways — and I'm still not sure how to get over it.

You went on vacation and left your dirty secrets on top of the washer. OK, they were tucked inside a brown paper bag, placed in the far back corner of your sink cabinet, and I shouldn't have been looking there. But I needed some soap (or something better to do than stare at the TV).

So here is this lunch bag under your sink. Of course, I opened it. And that's when I saw you, X's Mom turned Marilyn Monroe. Your back was pressed against the COBRA sports car I went to the PROM in. You belonged on some beach in France. Only in the background was your country home and the basketball hoop where we played PONY, wearing shirts, not skins.

I wish I could say I put these prints back in their cover and returned them to their rack... But I couldn't help myself.

"Miiiiike!" I yelled to your son. "You gotta see this!!!!"

You should have seen him curl up in a ball and cry like a sissy. Priceless.

Well, that's it. That's what I wanted to tell you. Oh yeah, and that I learned something from you, that not all passions eventually turn to ash. Some people know when to get out the lighter fluid. It's just too bad you didn't set those photos on fire after the heat of the moment passed.

Meeting the parents

After sharing dinner and publicly canoodling like only people who barely know one another would have the audacity to... he screeched.

"OH MY GOD!"

I floundered... "Wait, what?! Ex girlfriend alert? Choking on your fish dinner? WHAT IS IT!!?!?! YOU LOOK TERRIFIED!"

"OH MY GOD THAT'S MY PARENTS."

And his parents it was.
Just 3 booths away, sharing their own meal together, tangled in conversation so interesting that they didn't even notice their son sitting so close by, on his own date.

"If you wanted me to meet your parents, you could have just said so... not that I would have said yes but this is just creepy."

And just then...

They noticed us.

I knew a little wave wouldn't suffice since he was forced to walk over and actually greet them in person.

"Are you coming with me?" He asked, as I thanked myself (again) for not wearing a more revealing shirt and patted myself (again) on the back for having only one glass of wine.

"Well I'm certainly not going to be the girl to sit over here and ignore them."
(Despite the fact that girl seemed so much more me at that moment in time).

I went.
I met the parents, a whole 2 weeks after meeting him.

But awkward introductions were avoided, since they knew who I was.

They already knew my name...
Where I worked...

AND a whole slew of other things I thought I'd have to confess over dinner, in the distant future. A future in which I would have prepared my BEST SPEECH about my life's goals, my educational past, and my plans for "their son."

But that speech was avoided.
And the only one who seemed the least bit uncomfortable was him...

Could it be because it was so obvious he'd been talking about me?

Could it be because it's always difficult to have your date "meet the parents," no matter how well she knows their offspring?

Maybe... but regardless of his discomfort... in the end I'm just glad I wore the right top.

Because if I'd ended up in some tight, red, v-neck thing I would have asked him to introduce me as "Sarah."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A second helping


“Do you want me to cut that for you?”


He asked with kindness.
But a glance at his face proved to me that he was just irritated with watching me struggle.

The cheese was nearly frozen (because I can’t turn the temperature down in my refrigerator) and the knife was probably sharp when I first bought it, 7 years ago.

“No, I got it.” I replied.

“But you seem to be having a really hard time with it… just let me do it.”

“I’ve been cutting my own cheese and using knives long before you came into my life, I’m pretty sure I have it covered.”

Oops.

Was that me… refusing help because "I’m the 'independent woman' who has it 'all figured out'???"
Was that me… lashing out because I knew I didn’t have it covered and his presence just proved me right?

Or was that him
Being a man
Who thinks he can do it better?



Whether it's about the cheese or the change, I have to wonder...

When do we let ourselves really go?
And give into someone whose capabilities may outshine our own?

When do we accept that having it all figured out…
Isn’t as important as having someone to figure it out with?

And if we're not willing to ask for help, or to accept it when it's offered... do we just continue to cut our own frozen cheese into tiny broken pieces?

Pieces that used to taste better when we were alone...
Before we realized we didn't have everything figured out after all.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Colder months ignites Frost's message


I try to jog a few times a week. That and my morning coffee are two daily events I know I can count on.

In the summer/spring it's no problem. I have my routine. Change after work. Grab a baggy for dog waste and water for the desert that my mouth becomes. Drive to paved path. Start my workout.

During the DARK AGES however, I have one exercise goal and it doesn't involve burning off last night's burrito. It's Do Not Die. Seriously. Winter workout goal No.1: Do Not Die.

Yesterday, as I prepared to leave my apartment, I told my roommate, "If I don't return, you know where to find my carcass." Then I set out to see if my destiny was lurking in the shadow of the giant maple tree, with a knife and a GLAD bag.

The path lamp posts — all two of them — DID illuminate my way for about .3 seconds of my 30-minute sweat-a-thon. The rest of the time, I couldn't see a dang thing. I couldn't see the tributaries at my feet, or the suspicious man with the hoodie over his head until I almost plowed him over. I couldn't dodge pot holes or other doggie droppings.

Yet I pressed on. I finished the race of my life (and tossed out my sneakers afterwards). I felt like Rocky on the steps of the Philadelphia art museum. Ok maybe it wasn't that dramatic. BUT I did something most females would be too afraid to do.

Afraid is something I've tried to avoid. My mom is afraid of everything. To drive in the fog. To get on a plane. To drink caffeinated beverage after 1 p.m. To fall in love with a dog. To be alone.

I know this isn't a particular thrilling recount, but I share it because I think it's symbolic of the way we should live our life... in a Robert Frost kinda way. Frost is famous for this poem (parts of) that I share below and his words explains why I don't just go out and get a gym membership.

"Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference"


How do you challenge yourself to take the path less traveled?




TOP TEN WAYS TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP INTERESTING

We’ve all hit the slump before, when starring into one another’s eyes still holds “promise,” but it’s not something we can’t spend the entire afternoon doing anymore.

But there ARE things you can do to bring back the spark:

1. READ THE NEWSPAPER: Sure, this is coming from someone who works for the industry, but there’s something to be said for having an interesting story to tell your significant other when you get home from work. “Hey baby! Did you hear about the little girl with 4 arms and 4 legs! Let’s do a Google Image search!”

2. CALL YOUR FRIENDS: They were there before your mate, and they will be there if it all ends in upheaval. But calling them also brings back the YOU that was there before HIM. *** Extra points if your friends have interesting jobs/love lives to discuss with him afterward.

3. HAVE A HOBBIE: Wednesday night is Zumba? Thursday is “Girls Night at the Pub?" Don’t stop these things when you meet “him,” and if you DID in your early months when you could think of only HIM then get back into it. It gives you something that’s all your own and gives him time to do his thing too.

4. NEW UNDERWEAR

5. DATE NIGHT: Remember when every night was a date? And you spent hours getting ready because you didn’t want to repeat shirts “already?” Well, there’s something to be said for getting all dolled up for a night on the town. Maybe it’s once a week, maybe you only have time once a month, but it sure beats wearing your sweats, sitting on the couch, and watching reality TV in silence AGAIN.

6. LISTEN: It doesn’t seem like the most excitement inducing thing in the world, but you might be surprised at how listening to what he says, and then later bringing up something that inspired HIM, can spark conversation between you two you thought had dwindled. And with sparked conversation comes sparks in general;)

7. NO UNDERWEAR

8. SOLO-VACATION: It’s undeniable, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and a weekend getaway with the girls or your family without HIM will make him miss you.

9. TRY SOMETHING NEW TOGETHER: Maybe it’s as small as a new restaurant, or as big of a deal as sky diving, either way, creating new memories is exciting.

10. STAY YOU: If you end up with the same house, the same friends, the same job (been there), you won’t have much to talk about. Stay true to who you were in the beginning when things were blissful, and maybe that bliss can carry itself all the way into happily ever after.

Monday, November 26, 2007

What's up with LAT?


What would you say to your partner if he or she suggested you live in separate places... forever?
According to the Census Bureau, more than 3 million married couples are doing just that —
living apart but together.
Sometimes they live across the street, while others prefer their solitude in different cities, states and countries from their spouse. Usually they have this in common — a desire to keep their independence even after they've taken their vows.

From the Nov. issue of SELF magazine, one LATer jokes about the commitment irony: "Marriage and kids are one thing, but moving in together? Don't rush me."

The LATer states reasons for gladly living apart — both her and the hubby aren't into change. His NYC apartment was rent stabilized and her place was too small for him and his pianos. They have nothing in common (she's messy, he's clean; he's into modern art; she likes antiques...)

She said a common wrong perception is that their lives aren't entangled. "Yet our lives are entangled, hopelessly, irrevocably and, for the most part, happily. To us, living together in the same physical space has nothing to do with living in the same emotional space. In my more hippie-granola moments, I like to think that there is a certain purity to our arrangement. I am married simply because I happen to love the guy."

What's your views on dual dwelling duos? Should couples get married and have kids if they aren't willing to share the same bed, couch or bathroom?

Friday, November 23, 2007

TOP 10 Reasons it's better to be single for the holidays

1. No stressing over what "Mr. Man-Who-Has-Everything" might want for Christmas.

2. You can save A LOT OF MONEY since you only have to buy for your immediate family, and not his as well.

3. No waiting around in Best Buy for an adolescent salesman to explain the difference between X-Box and The Wii.

4. No spending December 25th, glued to the TV while your man sits like a zombie in front of his new "toy" you couldn't afford to buy him... but settled on because a sweater felt so insincere.

5. No arguing about why the Christmas lights weren't put away in a more "appropriate fashion." (You'll simply buy new ones if they are too tangled).

6. No exasperating encounters with the in-laws. You can avoid uncomfortable questions, poorly made ham, and the inevitable whining toddler.

7. You can buy yourself what you want with your extra "spending money" and not have to worry about feigning a smile when you open up the 14K gold locket you will never, ever wear.

8. If you burn the cookies, no one will know... and you know you'd rather just eat the dough anyway.

9. Holiday parties: You won't have to drag Scrooge along with you, so you can go and enjoy yourself solo, by impressing everyone with the myriad dresses you were able to afford (again... because you're single;)

10. GUILT FREE FLIRTING: The mistletoe holds a lot of promise for you as does "Santa's lap." Go out and ENJOY it before you're caught in a relationship void of PDAs.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Turkey for two?

Once you're married, it's easier to determine what holiday plans should be, and if you can't make a decision you can always rotate year to year and visit the in laws.

But in a relationship that's not quite so set in stone, the holidays can bring out the all important questions of:

1. Should we stay apart and see our respective families?
2. Try to mix up our day by seeing both and eating two dinners?
3. Pick one family to visit (with the larger spread) and disappoint the other?
4. Fight about it, break up, and get back together in January?

Once we've established ourselves as part of the other's life, the holidays became more convoluted.

And we can't all spend the holiday weekend in a glorious cabin, playing charades and checkers the way they do in the movies.

In the holiday spirit that Sarah's previous post has THRUST upon us, share your stories of holiday drama (or trauma) as it relates to the all important question:

Whose turkey should we eat?!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

quality holiday memories

_______________________________________________________________

Dear In-Laws,

I've taken your loved one hostage. I've secured his ankles and wrists, buckled him in my Jeep and will be driving him 100s of miles away from your Thanksgiving celebration so that he can be with me and my family. I promise you he will kick and scream the whole way. He will be force-fed instant mashed potatoes and reheated turkey bits (from a paper plate, no less) while he dreams of your piping hot lasagna and aged Merlot. He will cry out, "It's time to leave!" And I will pretend I didn't hear him. He will watch back-to-back Disney movies with kids, even though his football team is playing a game on TV. They will crawl up his back and knee him in places where knees don't belong, and he will see stars. We won't even have his favorite kind of pie. Only cherry. And store bought. Then I will make him drive me home, while I sleep the whole way.

Thank you for understanding.

We'll see you on Christmas.

______________________________________________________________________________

Who do you spend your holidays with?
Do you rotate holidays or try to be at two places at once?



How did this happen?

He bought a house. You helped him paint, decorate and make it a home.

Everyone wants to know, when are you moving in? You aren't. (at least in theory)

No way you'll play house wife again. Not unless it's real this time.

You give yourself the title house guest. Then you wait. And wait. And wait for it to be official.

A year goes by.

Meanwhile, You clean. You cook. You do his laundry.

You spend the night when you should say goodbye.

You feel the apron strings tighten around your neck.

Soon, he says. Soon.

You trust because you love. You believe while you hope.

Are you wrong?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Cohabitation VS Marriage

Why letting Mr. Right see you in wife mode WITHOUT THE RING keeps you unadorned with diamonds.

So you live together, you share everything, you’re “practically married,” but you’re STILL NOT.

As this article states, here’s a list of his most prominent EXCUSES.

The top ten reasons why men are reluctant to commit to marriage, according to a new report from the National Marriage Project of Rutgers University:

1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.

MY TAKE: Who wants to marry the guy who thinks this way anyway?!

2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.

MY TAKE: Sure, and they can enjoy reading a book at Barnes and Noble without actually buying it too, but a TRUE BOOK LOVER/AVID READER will spend the 25 bucks. A guy who LOVES you will go the distance if that’s what you want.

3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

MY TAKE: “Financial Risks,” like buying an expensive car when they turn 50, or sending their less than stellar student off to an ivy league in hopes of them getting “in the spirit of studying?” Everything is a financial risk, even signing that lease with your “JUST GIRLFRIEND.”

4. They want to wait until they are older to have children.

MY TAKE: This is all well and good, after all they CAN wait. Bottom line though?! Women CAN’T. Our clocks don't tick into perpetuity, if she wants kids and you love her, give them to her before she turns 40.

5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.

MY TAKE: Wait, weren’t we just saying that cohabitation has all the “perks” of marriage without the paper statement? What exactly is going to CHANGE SO DRASTICALLY?!


6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate, and she hasn't yet appeared.

MY TAKE: GET OUT NOW! IF he’s still looking, you should be too.

7. They face few social pressures to marry.

MY TAKE: If all their “boys” are single and 35, and they still refer to them as “boys” anyway, you might be waiting a REALLY LONG TIME for him to come around… if not FOREVER.

8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.

MY TAKE: Well then, they shouldn’t date her OR LIVE WITH HER EITHER.


9. They want to own a house before they get a wife.

MY TAKE: God forbid the wife have a say in where the house is, what the neighborhood is like, or what the school system has to offer.

10. They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.

MY TAKE: Since when is “COHABITATION” synonymous with “BEING SINGLE” ?!!?! I mean… sure it may have been in MY LAST RELATIONSHIP but if anyone is using that has a “healthy” example, they might want to do a little more research.



What do you think?
Are men really not buying the cow because they can get the milk for free?

Professional by day AND night

Unfortunately when we trade in our jeans and tank tops in favor of more office friendly attire, we also are forced to trade in our former, less professional selves.

And rightfully so.

At the risk of sounding "old," or "boring," or "judgmental," there is something to be said for trading in your pint glass and pub for a wine glass and your sofa.

As we enter the 9-5 doldrums, we're forced to say goodbye to the following:

1. Flashing
your friends as they drive by. Sure, it was funny when you were 16, but if your boss is accidentally driving the same car as your BFF, you might not get fired... but you might want to quit.

2. Public intoxication:
Our lips get a little loose after 2 drinks, don't consume more than that in a public place or your extent of "loose" might be something worth mentioning in the company newsletter.

3. Late TUESDAY nights:
Being hungover at your 8 a.m. class is one thing, being hungover at your job, while dealing with the public is quite another. You can sleep through first period, you can't sleep through an 8 hour work day.

But in spite of all you're giving up, you gain some perks as well:

1. Keeping your clothes on: Means keeping your self-respect, secrets, and imperfections to yourself.

2. Staying sober while out on the town: Not only are there fewer regrets, but you'd be amazed how many bottles of wine you can get for the price of that glass you just paid for.

3. Welcoming the weekend:
Saturday and Sunday hold a new promise when every day isn't a party.



What do YOU think? Should we say goodbye to our "partying" selves in favor of more "professional" fun?

The double life

Got a job? and a drinking problem? Uh-Oh!


Once you step into that knee-length skirt and chin-high sweater, gone are the days you got so hammered, you fell down on the dance floor. Here are the days when that behavior will land you with a pink slip. At least, that's how your Human Resource director feels.


Unfair I say! What happens between 9-to-5 is one thing. What happens between midnight and 5 a.m. is another.


But since my face and voice are plastered all over Poughkeepsie, I feel like I'm going to get caught for even thinking about getting plastered. Recently, there was a case where a teacher got spotted in a public photo acting "unteacherish" — whatever that means.


Here's some stereotypical examples of how a career can impact your nightlife to spur some discussion on whether you think it's OK for young professionals to act their age. Or should they become one with the suits they go to work in?




Cool
A teacher who tells stories about his drinking days. "Back in my hay day..."
Not cool
A teacher who hits on 18 year old college girls at keg parties.

Cool
A politician sipping some wine at a tapas bar in an upscale eatery.
Not cool
A politician seen leaving the bar with a prostitute.

Cool
Running into your co-worker and buying them a shot at the bar.
Not cool
Running into your blitzed co-worker and having to talk them out of driving home.

Cool
Hanging out with your friends at the bar.
Not cool
Bumping into your boss after you've had 10 too many.


Friday, November 16, 2007

Opposites attract

“He’s great, we have EVERYTHING in common!”

Well, “everything in common” loses its allure when you start looking YOURSELF in the eye on Friday night saying, “What do YOU want to do?”

Chances are your clone wants to do the SAME THING YOU DO, which is fine, until you’re at a loss for what sounds fun and you find yourselves watching movies and eating pizza.

ENTER THE ENTERTAINMENT FOUND IN THE OPPOSITE.

I think dating someone who has interests that are vastly different from yours keeps things exciting.

Maybe it creates conflict from time to time, but that conflict ignites passion and passion… well passion ignites all sorts of other things.

However, there are a few things that may be too much to handle when it comes to dating your OPPOSITE.

1. VEGETARIAN VS MEAT EATER: Regardless of who eats the meat, it might not seem like a big deal in the beginning, but can you really imagine your wedding day without Prime Rib, or if you’re on the opposite end of things, your wedding day in the company of a dead animal?!

2. THE MARRYING TYPE VS THE NOT MARRYING TYPE: Seems easy enough, she wants it, he doesn’t, but they have “so much fun together.” Eventually, the commitment question will come up and there really isn’t a compromise on this one. If your overall goals for life don’t match up (somewhat) chances are you won’t end up HAPPY.

3. SOCIALITE VS. AGORAPHOBIC: You like to spend your time out with your friends, in social settings, with groups of fun-loving people like yourself. He likes to spend his time, alone at home, or with you, at home. While it may be okay in the beginning, you’ll soon be tired of his couch potato ways and be looking for someone else while you’re out… with everyone else.


So, tastes in music, wine, or movies aren't exactly deal breakers.
But if your future goals don't have anything in common, it might be time to consider the consequences of opposites attracting.

And although you're attracted to one another, it might be time to do the OPPOSITE of what you're currently doing and find someone who works for you.






What do you think are some of the pros/cons dating your OPPOSITE.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

HouseHUSBAND

Do men lose their masculinity by performing traditionally feminine tasks?

I have to say that my own experience has taught me that the following things are extremely sexy when performed by men:

1. Cooking. Regardless of the taste of the final product, a man dancing around the kitchen in his socks is extremely endearing.
2. Making the bed: It’s a bed, enough said.
3. Doing the laundry: Maybe because it brings out the pre-relationship sexy-single man in him… maybe it’s the fact that he surely did ALL OF HIS LAUNDRY at once and was forced to fold it in his skivvies.

Yet, the "traditional VS modern" Chrissie struggles with the idea of seeing her Househusband do the following:

1. Scrubbing the toilet: Not that women should necessarily be the ones to do it either, but I can just picture the guy whimpering the whole time about how “gross” it is. Whimpering is never sexy.
2. Holding a puking baby over his shoulder, looking frazzled and saying, “Please take him, I’ve so much else to do I’m having a hot flash.”
3. Sewing his own buttons. Now, I’m not much of a seamstress, but needles and threads bring to mind images of Grandma, not Mr. Masculine.

So what’s the answer to this modern question...
Do men become emasculated by a "Househusband" status?

Maybe there’s something to be said for waiting for Mr. Right to bring home the bacon rather than fry it himself…

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The chance of a lifetime


Dave Matthew Band fans, listen up!

Yours truly got a rare one-on-one interview with band violinist Boyd Tinsley yesterday. Despite feeling dizzy from adrenaline when Boyd said hello, (DMB is a GOD in my music world) I managed to get off a few questions that sounded something like English.

You can read my interview at the Poughkeepsie Journal Web site . BTW, Boyd doesn't have a gym in his tour bus. But he does have a gym on a trailer that is part of the tour vehicle entourage. Boyd said, he used to have to go find a gym before gigs, and sometimes he'd be late for the concert, which was stressful on the band. That explains those bulging biceps!

Make sure you check back tonight to read my live updates at PoughkeepsieJournal.com. The band's publicist said it was a go for press passes to the West Point concert with very very limited public tickets. It's nearly 10 hours until Randolph and the Family Band open, yet I feel like doing a cartwheel right now, in the middle of a bunch of my fellow reporters and editors. I just might before the afternoon is over!



video


oooh, I hope they play Cornbread tonight. That song is so sweeeet!

But you ain't ever had my cornbread
A little bit of heaven, and a little bit of uh uh
Cut it down the middle
Open wide and jump right in

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Break Up: REQUIRES ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP

"So are Chrissie and _________ still together?"
FRIEND: "Uhh... wait, what?"
"Chrissie and ________, they were a couple for awhile right? Are they still seeing each other?"
FRIEND: "Um, no, no they aren't... at all."


The above conversation was followed by my friend coming to me and saying, "HA! Guess who's your EX boyfriend?!"

My thoughts:
If HE was my ex BOYFRIEND, then I really do want to stay single forever.

To me he was:

1. A Jerk
2. Selfish
3. Disposable <-- based on his ability to so readily "dispose" of me. 4. Ambition-less 5. An example of "poor judgment." So to hear... that to him, I was his "EX GIRLFRIEND," made me laugh.

Because I think that there are a few things that need to take place in order to be "In a Relationship" for real.

And so, not every encounter needs to end in the proper BREAK UP (email or otherwise).

SIGNS NO BREAK UP IS NECESSARY

1. When you call to "end it," he doesn't know who you are, "Wait, the girl from LAST night?"

2. Your ONE date consisted of contrived conversation, no touching, and minimal fun.

3. When he went in for "the kiss," you turned your head and coughed.

4. His relationship status on varying social-networking sites is, "Married." You, however, are NOT HIS WIFE.

5. A series of emails, phone conversations, and "group dates," ended in absolutely nothing. This guy is your FRIEND, not your MAN... don't make things "awkward" by ending NOTHING.




Comment below and let us know if you've ever had someone you weren't WITH try and break up with you anyway:)

Monday, November 12, 2007

The lazy breakup

There are two methods of communication for breaking up: speaking via telephone and face to face. Everything else says

1) laziness, 2) coward, 3) bad dating karma. Says Baggage Reclaimer (a UK blog about dating)


I say, I'm guilty of the lazy breakup. Before you send computer viruses my way, hear me out... I think there is such thing as excusable breakup absenteeism.

Like when

— Instead of butterflies and love sighs, you feel queasy and can't control your gag reflex.
— He said he loved the T-shirt you had specially made with the words "I'm NOT interested, BOB!" stamped on the front.
— Your first, and only date, was more painful than having your wisdom teeth removed by the homeless man with a screwdriver.
— One of the things HE bragged about was his violent criminal past and his gun collection.
— Breaking up by e-mail was "nice" compared to what he did to you. In fact, he's lucky your friend talked you out of your 105-page Plan of Revenge.

Ok, so maybe none of these things applied to my e-mail breakup. Maybe he was just a plain, nice guy, who entered my world when I wasn't ready for him, approximately during the time when I was licking my wounds from live-in boyfriend J. who turned into Ron Jeremy.

Maybe I'm more low of a being than those crispy things that stick to garbage can sides.

But I'd like to blame this lapse of dating etiquette up to heartache. So, am I excused? or should I download Norton Antivirus and go dance around some sage to undo any voodoo spells.

What do you think about break-ups by e-mail

e-male vs. real-male

Top 10 reasons emailing is better than dating

1. There is no awkward, obligatory kiss goodnight. (No more quiver lips or beer breath)!

2. You can tell how smart a guy is without having to actually sit through an entire, painful meal with him. If he says things in his emails like "I lik u, want to see a moive?" You can turn him down... before it's too late and he's licking you after watching Kong.

3. You can time his responses to measure his wit without painfully awkward silences where you have to stare... blankly... at his quivering lip you'll have to kiss later.

4. If he types things like "My last girlfriend is a crazy psycho, I HATE her" you can immediately delete him from your mailing list... rather than enduring a scary ride home in his 1990 pickup.

5. You can ask him if he lives at home with his parents and not see him flinch at your audacity. You have the right to know... if it works out, you might have to share a bed with his little sister.

6. You can test his honesty by sending him links that you know DON'T work and see what he says when you ask "What did ya think of that thing I sent you?"

7. You can forward his cute responses to all your friends without making him get on the phone to them with you saying "Come on baby... tell her what you said to me!!!"

8. You can send a "for some reason your stuff keeps going in my junk mail" message to those guys you no longer want to send email to. Hell, you warned him right??? He won't sit home and wonder why you haven't messaged him if he lives in the perpetual land of "DID SHE GET IT?"

9. You can forward that REALLY creepy message to your boss to flag him for harassment. HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO paper trail!

10. Who needs flowers when instead you get that cute little envelope popping up on your desktop?!

Friday, November 9, 2007

It's in his kiss

One kiss could change your life <-- At least according to an article you can read in today's Journal. From bad kissers, to mediocre kissers, to the FANTASTIC smoochers I have to agree... one kiss can change something (if not your life)...

It CAN certainly change your feelings about someone.
A brief outline of my kissing history:

1. THE FIRST KISS: Awful, completely and terribly AWFUL. I was 14, it was under the moonlight at a football game. He kissed me, it was all tongue and spit... and somehow, his tongue was COLD as if he'd been breathing in the October air with his mouth WIDE OPEN like a HOUND DOG. That was also, our LAST kiss.

2. A GREAT KISS: "I've been wanting to do this all night," I said, meaning I'd wanted to softly touch the back of his neck. "I've been wanting to do THIS," he replied and laid one on me. SMACK! Goodbye reality, hello new boyfriend <-- 3 years, much kissing (and eventual fighting, hating, and breaking up).

3. QUIVER LIP: (The story you've all been waiting for;) Second date, decent conversation, minimal physical attraction, but there was something. UNTIL THE KISS. Sure it was cold, but was it really necessary for his less than plump pucker to quiver like he'd never kissed a woman before?! I felt like I'd just been kissed by a crying toddler.

4. THE THRUSTER: An episode of "Sex and the City" comes to mind, where Charlotte goes on this great date with a great guy and when he kisses her goodnight, he THRUSTS his tongue into her mouth, completely missing her lips and instead going for her tonsils. <-- THIS STUFF HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE! And no amount of intellectual chemistry can make up for it.

5. THE NEW JOB:
Every once in awhile (as this article states) we kiss someone who makes it all feel "right." And I call this "the new job" because this person's kiss can make you forget that you've got other things on your agenda... like working, sleeping, and eating.





Share your kissing stories with The Odd Couple by commenting below:)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Surviving high school

I would do it again.

High school that is.


My memories are packed full of sentiment and warmth.
- I dated a swell guy from 10th to senior year, Mike Laurence. We used to pass love notes between periods that said we'd always be together... and in a way, we still are, even if it's just a long-lasting friendship...
- although, it was my best friend Bridget and I who were voted best couple.
- A's didn't come easy, but they came nonetheless.
- So did opportunities to build self-esteem, like when I added class v.p. to my academia activities. Or when I discovered my chicken legs were built for sprinting. And I beat the 6-foot-tall German exch
ange student at the 100 meter dash.

Yeah, I would do it again. For sure.

And, I'd do it the same.

For me, high school wasn't a matter of surviving pre-calculus or the SATs. It wasn't being proud of the undefeated football team (we didn't have a football field or any other bells and whistles to boast about).

It was a matter of learning I was special.

Duanesburg High gave me that. What did high school give you?










Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Single and unemployed

It's widely accepted that an employee who is in a stable relationship is more productive than one who is constantly on the prowl for a partner, according to Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer, a sex therapist.

This doctor states that single people are the victims of a dating process that is " never smooth, and the emotional conflicts that pop up in the single employee's life do have an effect on how much attention he or she is paying to work duties as compared to the time devoted to thinking about personal matters."

So I guess the "real world" of working 9-5 isn't all that much different from middle school, when we spent our single time passing notes and doodling instead of listening to our instructors.

Except now we're stressing over Mr. X, Y, or Z in a way that isn't conducive to "taking care of our workload" and practicing successful time management.

But can't being MARRIED be as much of a distraction?
Isn't there an argument for the fact that a sexless, lust-less marriage can cause as much strain as a sexless, lust-less single-life?

I would think that once kids and bills are a part of your personal life and relationship, that you might be more distracted while at work.

But then again, what do I know?

As a "relationship blogger," who isn't married... all that distraction IS just part of my job.



Do you think that "single or taken" is a factor in our work output (relationship bloggers excluded;)?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I'm lost

If you need me, I'm lost in the past.

I am in Saturday, when I visited her.

Just her head protruded from the bundled blankets.
The twisting and shrinking of her body.
The excess skin.
The tube in her nose. Her struggle for breath.
She resembled a feeble preemie.

"Hi grandma," I whispered.

The only thing that looked like her were her eyes. I am lost in them. They fix on me. I'm at the foot of the bed. I have to look away or she'll see. She's dying.

I'm rubbing her feet. She knows I'm there. She feels me.

God, thank you for this. My last memory. It's bitter and sweet. It hurts and it heals.

Time doesn't stop. I kiss her head goodbye. It's burning up.

I wish her peace.

She died last night.

Dad said she's on her journey. But I think she's found her final place. She's in the arms of my grandfather, who died 26 years before her. They are dancing like a couple at their wedding reception.

I think she's found peace. Now I just need to make mine.

Monday, November 5, 2007

ICK-Factor

She's 21. He's 36.

They were seen making out for hours, her on his lap, and then spent the night in the same hotel.

Guess who?

.
.
.
.
.
.
Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong

Apparently, Lance said to Ash: "You looked so sexy on Full House. I used to fantasize about your pre-puberty body... prrrrrrrrrrr"

and she replied: "Your bald spot, man boobs and divorce are turning me on... meowwwww."















ick. ick. ick.

Really, 15 years apart is one thing. But I can't look at Ashley Olsen without seeing a thumb sucking pig tails wearing CHILD.

Maybe Lance can get past that. But Ashley shouldn't get past it. She should be with someone who appreciates what being 21 represents... Because age isn't just a number, it's a lifestyle.

Pros for dating someone your age:

1.) You know he's not trying to trade up.
2.) He doesn't have to hire a babysitter before dates.
3.) The ex-wife doesn't own 1/2 his assets.
4.) Viagra is not one of his many daily medications.
5.) You experience "firsts" together, instead of him telling you which firsts you are allowed to have.
6.) You don't have to tell him his excess skin and U-shaped hair line are sexy.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ASHLANCE???

The Age Gap

"For guys, it's half your age plus 7. That's the standard rule; everyone knows that."

So this “rule” tells us who we can and cannot date based solely on age appropriateness.

But as a woman who is usually attracted to men slightly older than her (and pretty much never younger), I think there are some high points in dating out of your “age-range.”

It’s nice when he’s older and…

- He has his own place, for real. You don’t have to worry about his roommates walking in, or worse, his parents
- He appreciates you for being slightly younger, and notices the lust you still have for life.
- He can’t help but want to take care of you… a little bit.
- He practices “chivalry” the way they used to, opening car doors and calling to make sure you made it home safely.
- He’s “established” in his career/life ← what you see is what you get.

While I couldn’t date someone as old as my parents, I think a few years makes for an age gap worth talking about.

Because teetering on the edge of one another can be exciting.
Never really meeting in the middle allows for more compromise.

And eventually falling into that bottomless gap might not offer pain…
but promise.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Setting amazing standards


"You're amazing."

I had just raked enough yard rubbish to leave a
leafy trail from New York to Hawaii and back. A blister had formed, broken open and hardened.

But when he pulled up to his house and saw what I had done, his reaction was unforgettable.

"You're amazing," he said, as he pulled me into him. "Amazing." It was what I had waited for all day.


----------------------------


When it comes to relationships, amazing should be a standard that both partners try to achieve everyday.

Sometimes, amazing is performing a selfless act like raking your boyfriend's lawn when he's at work. At other moments, it's much more difficult. It's going against your beliefs to understand a different point of view. It's listening to things that you don't want to hear. It's giving in and giving up control.

What's important is not who you are.
It's who you want to be.

I want to be amazing.

Change for who?

"If one or both of you is determined to change the other person, if you are committed to forcing your partner to be a certain way, you are not in love with your partner. You are in love with an idea about who and how he is supposed to be. You are in love with a fantasy you expect your partner to fulfil."

It's been said a thousand times before, you can't change the person you're with, no matter how hard you try.

But I still don't think that keeps people from trying.

And while I don't think you can alter a person's innate qualities, there are a few things that can be altered with a little "suggestive selling."

Such as:

1. Hair: Whether it's on his face or on his head, gentle suggestions that begin with "You know what would be really sexy..." often seem to bring about subtle little changes that keep things interesting. (Although, you may still find that some men hold onto their long locks just tick you off)<- TGH.
2. Clothing: Again, with gentle suggestions that include the word "sexy" you might get Mr.Baggy-Pants to invest in a nice, tighter pair of jeans that make his _ _ _ look perfect.
3. Eating habits: If your man loves fatty, greasy foods, and you're sick of it making YOU a fatty, it's nothing that a little cooking (and complaining) can't fix.

But there are those other things...

You can NEVER change:

1. Reading habits: You can't make a man who DOESN'T read, read. Buy him all the magazine subscriptions you like, but he's not going to pick up your favorite novel just so you have something to talk about.
2. Dependency "issues:" You can't turn a mama's boy into a manly man no matter how hard you try. So if he's used to mommy making his twin bed, then you're going to have to fold her sheets once he finally moves out (... if he ever moves out;)
3. "Hobbies/Habits" If he collects baseball cards or porno magazines... or you're sick of finding his chewed gum on the night stand, get used to it. Those "little things," that don't seem like a big deal in the "beginning" end up being those things that blow up into arguments toward the "end."




So while yesterday we were discussing the idea of "changing yourself for you," today's topic is changing yourself for HIM (or her).

Can it be done?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Plastic surgery is for Barbie

not for me.

After going nearly 5 years without the “luxury” of cable, and having never been a fan of tabloid news, I lived in a world that wasn’t warped by Hollywood’s sense of perfection.

I forgot that in order to be “beautiful” one must be tall, lean, and big busted.

And I lived with the assumption that although I wasn’t “perfect” I wasn’t that bad either.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED

I was suckered in to the “3 for 3” Cablevision package and one thing it changed was my outlook on beauty.

Because of Dr. 90210, I now know what “beauty” is.
And I know that it’s something I can have… at a price.

But since when is Dr. Whoever an expert on beauty?

How is a man's opinion...
one that is based on airbrushed "perfection" and unrealistic proportions...
the standard we now hold ourselves to?

I know I wouldn’t want to be armed with a Sharpee marker and an attitude, and then come face to face with someone who wanted to look “perfect.”

Because the only thing I’d want to put a big, black circle around would be the person’s head.

Not because it’s too big or too small, or mIsShApEn.

But because it encases a brain so small it thinks another person can tell it what is beautiful.

I think plastic surgery just ends in a “now what” expression when people realize they're still the same... on the inside.

And they're still not happy.

(that is of course, in the case that they can still "have expressions" after all that Botox).


WOULD YOU DARE TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE?