Tuesday, November 20, 2007

How did this happen?

He bought a house. You helped him paint, decorate and make it a home.

Everyone wants to know, when are you moving in? You aren't. (at least in theory)

No way you'll play house wife again. Not unless it's real this time.

You give yourself the title house guest. Then you wait. And wait. And wait for it to be official.

A year goes by.

Meanwhile, You clean. You cook. You do his laundry.

You spend the night when you should say goodbye.

You feel the apron strings tighten around your neck.

Soon, he says. Soon.

You trust because you love. You believe while you hope.

Are you wrong?


Anonymous said...

yup your wrong, get out asap!

Sarah said...

Really? Get out. And if I do, and he wasn't lying? "It" was just around the bend. And I had given up on someone who had every single quality that I want in a future partner. Kindness. Maturity. Stability. Sense of Humor. Family Values. Charm. Good looks. Caring.

Sometimes, they are worth the wait.

And sometimes, they aren't.

Anonymous said...

I think it's the proverbial, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" thing. I am a wife and don't do half as much work.

Chrissie said...

WHY BUY THE COW IF YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE <-- we've all heard this before.

But WHY BUY THE BULL IF YOU CAN GET THE TESTOSTERONE FOR FREE <--- errr whatever bulls have to offer.

Why is it WRONG for a woman to play house, but not a guy?

And why isn't there an old saying about women getting everything they want without having to give up a thing in the meantime?

If she's playing house, with HIM... then they're both getting "it" for free, aren't they?

SO! If it's free to BOTH OF THEM, and she still WANTS TO BUY THE BULL because she LOVES HIM, should he want to BUY THE COW as well?!

And to the "you" in question.
I don't think "you're" wrong.

I just think "you're" going to have to wait and see.

And if we're throwing around ol' sayings... "Good things come to those who wait."

(Or in my case, "Good things come to those who completely give up;).

Vanessa said...

I'm in a similar situation myself. We've been together for almost 4 years, and have been living together for about the same amount of time. (We moved rather quickly in the beginning.) I do the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, and the laundry.

And now I want a ring and discussion of babies. He says "eventually". Meanwhile everyone including my mother and his sister are asking when we're getting married. I just shrug and hope its in our future.

I do however have what I believe is solid evidence of a future marriage. (He made me the beneficiary of his life insurance policy.)

At the very least if something does happen to him, I could buy myself a ring, from him. haha.

Mario said...

Nietzsche had an interesting take on the concept of "hope."

You know the story of Pandora's Box, where a curious woman, according to the Greek myth, lifts the lid to a magical box and lets loose into the world every kind of evil? The story usually ends with the consolation that Hope remained in the box to comfort mankind in the face of these evils.

But, Nietzsche saw it differently. He thought Hope was an evil we got to keep for our very own: "In truth it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

People ought to keep that in mind when they find themselves in the kind of situation you describe.

Jared said...

Ultimatum seems like the obvious answer here...

Anonymous said...

nah, it'll happen. Give it time.

Sarah said...

Mario, I read too. In fact, I just read a dairy that would never have been written had a little girl named Anne Frank given up hope. I am not sure giving up hope is solid advice.

And Jared, ultimatums are for people who are ready to walk away, or they are useless.

But it's neat to see the male perspective in this situation. I expected a different approach.

Anonymous said...

what approach were you expecting?

and the perspective of a few males does not necessarily encapsulate the entire "male perspective".

my point of view is, why all the worry over declaring it "official"?

if you ALREADY HAVE a partner with every single quality you want in your "future" partner, then what are you so bothered about? why stress over a title on a license?

just appreciate what you have, and take what comes from it, and stop trying to force the reality of your life into your long-held expectations.

hope is just the desire to manifest expectation. you don't need it, nor need to suffer from it, if you let your life just flow...

and if you're lucky enough to happen upon happiness, as it seems you have, then let it flow thru you, as you flow thru it, and don't try to capture it in a glass jar like a firefly just so you can put a label on it and place it on your "collective" mantel. "o look at the happiness we've found!"

cuz it might not burn as bright up there.

i dunno... a friend told me that when we we're drunk and eating pizza. i liked it tho. maybe i'm just looking too deeply into this whole thing.

Mario said...

Wow -- I never meant to say that a person should never hope. I just think that Nietzsche's perspective -- at the very least -- offers a counter-balance to the Wonderful World of Disney.

Sarah said...

It's not a title on a license to me. I think it's sad that some people view marriage in that way.

Anonymous said...

well, then, what exactly IS marriage to you?

and be careful not to use adjectives or notions or word phrases that describe what ALREADY EXISTS in your relationship at this moment.

e.g. "well, we love each other now, but when we get married then we'll REALLY love each other!"

tell me what will be different, after you "tie the knot".

as a part-time reductionist, i am sometimes inclined to consider a thing for exactly what it is, in and of itself.

and marriage, in its most basic aspect, is just a title on a license.

and, i suppose... it's the most socially accepted definition of "union".

and, i guess, it's the most socially acceptable basis to bring children into the world.

so i suppose if you're concerned with how other people view you and your relationship, then marriage has its importance.

sorry... i'm not trying to pick on you sarah. i just don't consider my view of marriage as "sad" or even jaded. but if you think it is, then tell me why.

although it's probably a bit late to be commenting on this post anyway, but i only noticed your response just now;)