Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I'm lost

If you need me, I'm lost in the past.

I am in Saturday, when I visited her.

Just her head protruded from the bundled blankets.
The twisting and shrinking of her body.
The excess skin.
The tube in her nose. Her struggle for breath.
She resembled a feeble preemie.

"Hi grandma," I whispered.

The only thing that looked like her were her eyes. I am lost in them. They fix on me. I'm at the foot of the bed. I have to look away or she'll see. She's dying.

I'm rubbing her feet. She knows I'm there. She feels me.

God, thank you for this. My last memory. It's bitter and sweet. It hurts and it heals.

Time doesn't stop. I kiss her head goodbye. It's burning up.

I wish her peace.

She died last night.

Dad said she's on her journey. But I think she's found her final place. She's in the arms of my grandfather, who died 26 years before her. They are dancing like a couple at their wedding reception.

I think she's found peace. Now I just need to make mine.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im sorry for your loss

Sarah said...

thank you

madelena said...

Wow Sarah, sorry about your Grandma :(
I just lost mine a month ago, so I can kind of empathize with you, and I use the word empathize because I can't say 'I know what you're going through' because I believe everyone is different, grieves differently, and has a different relationship to the deceased.
But I hope that writing, and having the support of your loving boyfriend will get you through your time of need because I know there isn't really something that anyone can say or do to make you feel better, because nothing will get your grandma back.
The only thing that helps is a loving supportive family, and someone to be there to lend a caring ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I hope that you find your peace, and until then I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family the best.

Sarah said...

Thank you madelena, I'm sorry to hear you've lost your grandmother also.

I am coping well. I was blessed to see her suffering in her final hours, so I am not devastated, but relieved in a way.

Kathleen Murray said...

Sarah,

Your post was a beautiful tribute. I am sorry for your loss.

-- K

chrissynb said...

We are so privileged to have experienced our grandparents love.....Sorry for your loss