Monday, June 30, 2008

My weapon: The Remote

"What time are you taking me home?"

"I dunno, around 930, is that okay?"

"Sure," I said, followed by a theatrical pout. "I'm just a little bit scared..."

"Of what??!!!" He demanded.

"That BTK guy, that's all."

"But they caught him YEARS ago!" was the"sensitive" response.

And although that's true, and I learned that very fact from the creepy "Life of a Serial Killer" made-for-tv documentary I watched last week, I was still afraid, of something.

And while I take precautions and live as safely as possible, that "BTK" guy got me feeling vulnerable.

Because he looked normal.
Because he chose victims seemingly at random.
And because he would stake out a female's home in order to know when she was alone.

"How can you be afraid of the BTK guy, when he's been caught?"

Easy. I thought. Because he's only one of a thousand creeps out there.

And in reality, because nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than being in a relationship.

Having a boyfriend is like having a bullet proof vest.
You have a legitimate excuse for telling new guys you're not available.
You have a bodyguard in the bar.
You have an umbrella in the rain.
And you have a security system in your apartment...

Unless of course he's no longer there.

The imprint he leaves on the couch cushion is like a big, black, hole for your feelings of safety to fall into.

Instead of his man-muscles, you have to use your own... but finding your single-girl-wits post relationship is harder than it looks.

Because the safety you found in his arms only makes your before-him life seem full of vulnerabilities.

You can search for that old confidence and maybe even eventually get it back... yet it seems a long road to recovery.

And after months of trying, all I know is the first step...

Turn. Off. The. Damn. TV.

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