Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"Don't bother." (Non-negotiables)

Last week I was out with my guy friends and "Chuckles" pointed out a girl he thought was really attractive. And she was attractive - she also seemed smart and sweet. The perfect package, right? Wrong. She was a smoker.

Chuckles said he wasn't interested in dating a smoker. It was non-negotiable, and D. (another guy friend) agreed. This got me to thinking about all the things that different people see as immediate turnoffs.

Personally, I have no issue with smoking, and I would urge smoker-haters to reconsider. I quit for a boyfriend once and had no real problem with it. I wanted him much more than I wanted a cigarette.

Now, there are a few things that instantly make me lose interest.

#1 Nasty hands/nails/teeth. Hygiene is pretty important. If you don't brush your teeth on a regular basis I'm not going anywhere near your mouth. As for the hands - wash them. Unless you're Count Dracula, trim your nails. One of the first things a girl will notice is a guys mitts.. especially if she's like me, in her late twenties and looking to see if you're wearing a wedding ring. (Which is another non-negotiable).

#2 Lack of humor ... or more specifically, the guy doesn't laugh at any of my jokes. (And I give out a lot of chances.) I spent two years in a relationship with a man that didn't think I was funny. It was my own personal Hell.

#3 Red Sox fan. Unfortunately there seems to be an unreasonably large population of very attractive Red Sox fans in the area ... and I've dated three ... but no more! I love the Yankees and don't want to scrape up any more misguided Boston fans off the floor when they start trouble in Yankee Stadium.

#4 Excessive drinking. Don't get me wrong, I love my scotch, but if you get trashed every time you're out it's a bit of a problem. Oh ... and I will RELENTLESSLY mock a guy that drinks "girly drinks."

#5 Do not ever "let" me win. At anything. Chances are I can kick your butt on my own, and if not, I deserve to be taken down a peg once in a while. Trust me, I'll respect you more if you humiliate me than if you placate me.


Sten said...

What are some of your "non-negotiables?"

Anonymous said...

speech impediment, dunno why.

Anonymous said...

morbid obesity

Chrissie said...

Oooh! We touched on this topic long ago, but it's always a fun one to revisit because, as we change I think our "non negotiables" change as well.

My current non-negotiables:

# Severe road rage.
I don't find fighting or tempers attractive. If you're going to scream at the old lady who cut you off, what are you going to think of ME and my inability to drive?

## Poor grammar
If you drop the "g" when you're "sayin' hi" it's an immediate turn off.

### I second Sten's comment about the nasty hands and teeth.
I like a nicely groomed MAN HAND, not a dainty girl hand that shows you've been using A LOT of hand lotion. But for the love of everything... groom your fingernails.

Jared said...

"Well that's just what I believe"

Chrissie said...

Oooh Jared! Are you referring to the completely unfounded opinions about social issues?

"Why did you vote for George Bush twice?"

"Because I felt he was best qualified."

"Based on what criteria?"

"My own opinion."


Jared said...

Yeah, I don't care if you're a neo-nazi, at least be able to provide some logical support to your argument.

Chrissie said...

I agree. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to have a conversation with someone who "feels" more than they "think" about things.

It reminds me of an "oh-so-inspiring" episode of America's Next Top Model I fell victim to watching... they asked one of the "plus size" girls why she wanted to be ANTM and her answer was:

"Just cuz."

Not even "Because."
She was on TV, enduring the grueling looks and comments of the world's skinniest... "just cuz."

Chuckles said...

Being comfortable with who you are, and knowing yourself well enough to know what you want and don't want, is an important step in having a successful relationship.

That being said, sometimes you have to break some rules and take some risks in order to feel a sense of romance or find happiness, nothing in life works out exactly the way you want it to.

Sten said...

Well said Chuckles, now you just have to practice what you preach.

Yuki said...


Honestly, I have a certain hatred of cigarette smoke. I would honestly agree that that is something that I wouldn't be able to handle. Any time I walk by a smoker, I instinctively hold my breath...and if I'm caught unawares, I will make disgruntled noises. I would not be able to deal with the smell of smoke day in and day out.

Anger issues - I'm taking Chrissie's example to a further extreme. If you're going to be a jerk to some little kid who doesn't know better, then why would I want to deal with you and all of your drama?

Close-mindedness. I am Chinese, and my parents will force you to eat strange and frightening things. And of course, I'm not going to tolerate a bunch of racist jokes.

Honestly though, I could care less about the state of a man's hands. Unless he was leaving residue on everything he touched, I couldn't be upset with that because it would simply be hypocritical of me. My hands are rarely well-groomed because I don't see the point - I work with artistic (read: messy) materials often, not to mention the cooking and chores I've got to do.

Anonymous said...

So, here's a question posed for the two of you. If you want "groomed man hands" as it was so eloquently put, how do the guys who work in rather hand-taxing occupations fit in? For example machinists, chefs, and electricians usually wind up with pretty mangled digits over the course of their careers and usually aren't the type to go for the whole MANicure lifestyle. How do they stack up in the "good hand" department?

That said, as a guy, I can't do the following:

1) Insipidness. You don't have to be on the level of Oxford, but at least have something intelligent to add to the conversation.

2) "Weak" women. No, you don't need to be super athletic, but women who can't hold their own drive me nuts! I'm not the kind of person to just let someone win, I want someone aggressive who isn't afraid to go out there and show me what they've got in anything; be it life, sports, or anything else.

3) The schitzo women. You know the girls. They can't just be happy with who they are, so they try to emulate what they see in pop culture. At the turn of the century they all wanted to be "Carrie Bradshaw" and now they want to be one of the desperate housewives. If a girl can't be happy with who she is, then how does she expect someone else to be happy with who she is?

There are many more, but those are my big three. Thank god I don't have to deal with them anymore either!

Chrissie said...

Awesome points anon, and I can see how women with those traits would be maddening!

As for your hand comment... my thing isn't about callouses or work-related hand injuries. I am more referring to nails. Keep them trimmed and cleaned, that's not so hard regardless of your job. ***Auto Mechanics have an out in this one though***

I think your point about women wanting to be "Carrie Bradshaw" or one of the Desperate Housewives (oh, the irony there) is also a great point. There have been times where I've gone out and every single girl LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME. Same haircut, same bag... same shoes. How interesting can they possibly be???

Jamie said...

I like a good political debate with a sig o, as long is it’s a GOOD debate. And by “good debate”, no I do not mean one that I win. I mean a debate, rather than a fight that ends with “you liberal skunk” or “you fascist pig.”

That leads me to my biggest personality turnoff: jumping to conclusions about things. Most of the time, actions and words can be interpreted in any number of ways. People who always assume the worst have a big strike against them, in my book. Dating someone like that requires a great deal of eggshell walking, as opposed to being who you really are.

Physical turnoff: too much make up (or worse yet, cosmetic surgery). Please like your face. Your face likes you.

Sten: You dated THREE Dead Sox fans and a guy who doesn’t think you’re funny? Why would you so frequently violate your top five non-negotiables?? Incidentally, what did that guy find funny? Carrot Top?

Chrissie said...

Sten probably has only discovered her non-negotiables based on the fact she's "lived through them."

I know most of the things on my "NO WAY" list are only the result of enduring them for some time.

And I agree with you Jamie, the political debate that ends in personal insults is never fun.

I was once accused of being a "(expletive) hippie who lived in a micro chasm" based solely on the fact that I didn't think a fence was the answer to immigration... and I guarantee you, my reasoning went well beyond "JUST CUZ."

Sten said...

Yes, Jamie ... I dated three 'Dead Sox' fans. I wanted to look past it ... they were like cute misguided little bunny rabbits.

The flirtation always seems to start with talking smack about baseball. The relationship always ended with "I should have known better than to trust Boston fan."

Jamie said...

Ah Sten. You’re a far more tolerant person than I. Can't say I've been there. Came close once; dated a Mets fan for about a year. I tried to find it “cute”, but it was like she was on this holy crusade against evil. We pretty much broke up over Clemens / Piazza. Eight years later ... man, I really wish I'd been on the other side of that argument. Clemens is such a sleazy mud-face. (Yes I censored myself there.)

Sten said...

Yeah, I would refer to "The Rocket" as a similarly shaped object. But you can't judge the Yankees by one player. They're still a great team who have the added pressure of constantly living up their own iconic reputation. At least they never blamed a ridiculously long losing streak on some stupid curse.

Jamie said...

You’re 100% right. I’d never condemn the Yankees because of the actions of one player, but I’ll easily admit when one is acting like a total idiot. But then I listen as my rival’s screaming-until-they’re-red-in-the-face defenses of players such as the mature, reserved and well mannered Reyes or that admirable bastion of sportsmanship Manny … and I start to wonder why I shouldn’t just blindly defend anyone who’s wearing pinstripes. It doesn’t seem fair.