Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fill her shoes

I dated a man once upon a time who I believed was more in love with the idea of me, than the actual me.

He was sweet and doting over the phone, wrote me sweet nothings in emails and birthday cards, told his friends "I was the one."

But when we were together he seemed distant, as if he was still searching for something I couldn't offer.

It was as if he was dating that other girl.
That perfect version of me, rather than the real me.

He wanted sweet and smitten.
I was sometimes brass and distant.

He wanted 24-hour-a-day beauty.
But sometimes I got sick and looked like hell.

He wanted "Ms. Perfect."
I was "Ms. Real."

And so I waited for the other shoe to drop.
For him to realize that a whole human being is worthy of love, not just an idea of perfection.

But that shoe never did.
Instead I struggled for years to fill hers.

Ms. Perfect's.


Chrissie said...

Have you ever dated someone who loved having "a girlfriend/boyfriend" more than they loved the real you???

Yuki said...

I've been the girl who "dated" a boy who I loved as pretty much just a warm squishy thing. We never officially dated or anything, and there was honestly no conversation or whatever. He just filled a niche I didn't know needed to be filled.

But otherwise, I know people who do this - date someone because they really just want a date. I hope I never become one - I think I've seen my boyfriend at his worst (after an abscess-piercing on his face when gunk was oozing out of his cheek) and he's seen me at mine (where I practically went off the deep end). We're pretty sweet together, though the Hallmark lines come mostly from his end, and reality has long since set in.

But I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop, so I can laugh. Screw conventions, I am dating a metaphorically one-legged man.

((By the way, Chrissie, you've gotten me addicted to the song "Book of Love". I prefer the Peter Gabriel version, though.))

Chrissie said...

i think you're right Yuki... a lot of us are guilty at one time or another of dating someone who fills a void in us, but I think some people might be willing to "settle" for the "void-filler" forever rather than suffer the consequences of searching for "the one." dating is tough, and some people might be satisfied with a warm body next to them rather than a fully functioning human being with faults.

(and as for that song, i'm glad you enjoy it! you can have the peter gabriel version too. i call dibs on the magnetic fields:)

Yuki said...

But then the question you have to ask, once you say that, is that whether these people realize that "the one" isn't really "the one", merely a place holder. How do you know he or she is the one, anyway? People have such different standards - I want a best friend with a side of passion, super-sized please - but other people only say "Oh, you'll know."

Which is vague.

Then there's the problem of deluding yourself, which your ex seemed to have. I hope he learns that people...are people.

Chrissie said...

i think these people know they're dating someone for comfort and companionship rather than true love.

i'm a believer in the "when you know, you know," idea. it's just something you feel. a spark.