Thursday, October 16, 2008

5 things couples do that drive me crazy

Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy. Honestly, seeing cool, satisfied couples out and about gives me that warm feeling that there's someone out there for everyone. But then there are those idiotic duos running rampant that drive me insane. Here's my top 5:

#1 Sucking face in public. I pulled up at a 7 Eleven the other day and there was this couple out front devouring each other's faces. "Oh thank heaven for 7 Eleven?" More like "Oh thank heaven for the Motel 8." Get a friggn' room – or better yet – save it for your living room where I can look in through a telescope when I'm in the mood for some free porn.

#2 Hand-holding slow walkers. It is so annoying when your walking somewhere and the couple in front of you is not only taking up the entire sidewalk with their adorably linked, loving hands ... but they are barely moving forward as they point at anything and everything that catches their romantic eyes. It is a little difficult to get out a polite "excuse me" when I'm throwing up in my mouth.
#3 Bickering brats in the supermarket line. I couldn't care less that snookums grabbed the wrong milk, and I'm pretty sure no one else in the store does either. Chances are he's NOT trying to kill you, and if he was, with that mouth on you, he'd probably use a sledgehammer to make sure the job got done right.
(Note: This blog does NOT condone domestic violence. But the occasional gagging for the sake of every one around you might be appreciated...)

#4 Passive aggressive pairs. I'm trying to enjoy a night with some couple friends and every other sentence is a passive aggressive jab at everything they've done to annoy each other. This gets awkward pretty quickly. It is not so much that the coaster has suddenly become the most interesting object in the world as that I am too terrified of making eye contact and having to participate in their ridiculous attempts to demean each other. I can't wait until there are kids in the picture that can be used as more ammo.

#5 Saintly concern for the poor single friends. Why is it that when people enter into a happy relationship they think anyone who is single must be miserable? The only time I've been MISERABLE is when I've been in unhappy RELATIONSHIPS. You can check your halo the door, "Mother Theresa," Stenny's not eating a bullet tonight ... unless of course you try to set me up again.


Михаил said...

Very very very true on all points!

The PDA crowd and the slow-walkers are my pet peeves. The others are all annoying as well though.

Sten said...

As far as PDA, hand holding, hugging, a simple kiss – that's all fine, and sweet. It's really the hoovers that are annoying for me.

DJ D said...

I agree completely.

Some of those people need to come back to reality and understand the world does not revolve around them.

Yuki said...

Number one really irritates me. I'm fine if a couple's being cute, but I really don't need the make-out session. I won't say I haven't done it in public once or twice...but never in a crowded place, and never for any real amount of time.

Two, well, I don't encounter many of those. I'm much more distracted when I'm going to class and there's this four-person hallway clog, all talking about what happened on Saturday and all intent on making me late. I think it's to the same effect, though.

I honestly have never seen three and four, but that could be because I'm half of one of the few couples in my "group"

And five? Hell, I prefer if my friends are single. It makes it easier on me, because I can hang up my Dr. Phil badge and call it a day instead of wearing war paint and barricaded in my room against the insecurities and advice-seeking.

And now that I've brought that up, I'll ask: Have you ever had a friend who came to you constantly for advice or to about finding/dealing with their partners? And what do you do if said friend is a relationship virgin?

Sten said...

Good questions Yuki, we should post them tomorrow.

My answers to both are yes. And I don't mind being a sounding board for friends with love troubles, but it is frustrating when it's the same thing over and over and they do nothing t o resolve it.

D said...

Single or attached, I'm not bothered by PDA or PDF for that matter. ;) Hell, if you're going to be inconsiderate, you might as well go full bore.

For the record, passive aggression is heinous in pretty much every context.

Chrissie said...

Amen Sten! Especially the passive aggressive couple, that is SO UNCOMFORTABLE! If you have issues, stay home!

I think I was more annoying (and fun!) as a single person though... always obsessing, repeating the same mistakes with men over and over, I'm sure my friends appreciate my coupled-self (and it doesn't hurt that nearly all of them are in relationships too).