Thursday, October 16, 2008
5 things couples do that drive me crazy
Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy. Honestly, seeing cool, satisfied couples out and about gives me that warm feeling that there's someone out there for everyone. But then there are those idiotic duos running rampant that drive me insane. Here's my top 5:
#1 Sucking face in public. I pulled up at a 7 Eleven the other day and there was this couple out front devouring each other's faces. "Oh thank heaven for 7 Eleven?" More like "Oh thank heaven for the Motel 8." Get a friggn' room – or better yet – save it for your living room where I can look in through a telescope when I'm in the mood for some free porn.
#2 Hand-holding slow walkers. It is so annoying when your walking somewhere and the couple in front of you is not only taking up the entire sidewalk with their adorably linked, loving hands ... but they are barely moving forward as they point at anything and everything that catches their romantic eyes. It is a little difficult to get out a polite "excuse me" when I'm throwing up in my mouth.
#3 Bickering brats in the supermarket line. I couldn't care less that snookums grabbed the wrong milk, and I'm pretty sure no one else in the store does either. Chances are he's NOT trying to kill you, and if he was, with that mouth on you, he'd probably use a sledgehammer to make sure the job got done right.
(Note: This blog does NOT condone domestic violence. But the occasional gagging for the sake of every one around you might be appreciated...)
#4 Passive aggressive pairs. I'm trying to enjoy a night with some couple friends and every other sentence is a passive aggressive jab at everything they've done to annoy each other. This gets awkward pretty quickly. It is not so much that the coaster has suddenly become the most interesting object in the world as that I am too terrified of making eye contact and having to participate in their ridiculous attempts to demean each other. I can't wait until there are kids in the picture that can be used as more ammo.
#5 Saintly concern for the poor single friends. Why is it that when people enter into a happy relationship they think anyone who is single must be miserable? The only time I've been MISERABLE is when I've been in unhappy RELATIONSHIPS. You can check your halo the door, "Mother Theresa," Stenny's not eating a bullet tonight ... unless of course you try to set me up again.