Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fishing in a group

When is it OK to ask out a new female friend in a group of friends?

Anonymous reader asked...
There is this new girl that I kinda like but she is new to my "Group of friends" is it possible to scare her off the friends if I rush out to try to snag her too soon. Should I even bother, how long is there the friends zone aspect version how long that you are the "$lut" Friends? I can clarify if you have any questions but I think you would get the idea.

Sten answered...
Sometimes it's better to see if there's romantic chemistry before you get in the friend zone. I think honesty is really attractive, and being asked out is flattering. Tell her that you think she's fun and interesting - that you'd like to get to know her better. If she doesn't want to take it there, just be cool and understanding. If you're already smitten, you'd be lusting after her anyway, so there's no harm in finding out how she feels.

Chrissie answered...
I’d like to know “how new” this girl is to the group of friends. And I think it is definitely possible, depending on how new it is to scare her off. You don't want to be the “guy that likes ______” whenever you show up at social gatherings. And honestly, I don’t think the “Friend Zone” exists really... My advice would be to continue to get to know her, flirt with her a little, and see if she reciprocates. If she’s out looking for men while you're around, or openly talking about her crushes in front of you, it’s might not be worth letting her know how you “feel.”

What do YOU think? Is it ever too soon to pursue a new single in your group of friends?


Sten said...

C'mon Chrissie ... there is DEFINITELY a "friend zone." It's right next to the Twilight Zone and no one knows how they got there or how to get out.

I was in this situation when I first met "the boys". "D." and I had a bit of chemistry, so we went, just the two of us. We discovered 5 reasons why we shouldn't get romantic and now he's one of my best friends.

We didn't drag it out with months of flirting and reading into each other's behavior, and I really feel that's why we're able to be such good friends now.

Anonymous said...

Conversely, what if you've just begun to hang out with a group and your attracted to one of them. How do you go about it without becoming ostracized?

Михаил said...

One of the best relationships I ever had was with someone that could have easily relegated me to the "friend" zone. Some of the worst I've ever had have been people I got to know as friends within my group of friends before trying to pursue a relationship.

My fiancee, as a matter of fact, is someone who was just being brought into the realm of "new group friend" when I started to pursue her. Look where that wound up!

I've found that it's best just to go for it, group etiquette be damned.

chuckles said...

Who wants to feel regret?

the world would be a lot better if everyone was more straightforward. don't profess marriage, just frame it like it is, you think she's awesome, you want to know if there is anything there, and would she like to grab some coffee? Keep it low key, if you are chill about it, and there is no reason not to be, then there is no reason that things can't be cool if she shoots you down, or isn't interested.

But really it depends on you, do you like to get to know a girl before you date her, or do you like the mystery and excitement?

Sten said...

I just think there's something skeevy about acting like you want to be friends when all the while you want something more. You aren't really their buddy ... more like a secret admirer.

E said...

I think asking her out right away is best so you don't have be all secret agent-y gathering information when all you want to do is date her. a couple of my best male friends are men that asked me out when I wasn't interested. I was truly impressed when they really did want to be my friends afterwards. Sometimes that makes you even more appealing in the long term. And hey! She might have cute friends!

Chrissie said...

I don't know about the "friend zone," really though... if you have chemistry with someone, how could you be in a "zone" where a relationship is never possible??? I think the friend zone (if there is one) is for people who get along great, find one another attractive enough, but simply don't have the chemistry necessary to make a real relationship work.

As for it being "skeevy," I also don't agree! I'm not saying to secretly pine away and fantasize while "pretending" to be someone's friend... I'm saying actually BE their friend! Get to know them! Friendship is important to a good relationship, so if you get along great... take it from there.

Anon, as for just coming into a "group" and finding someone attractive, I'd say to follow the same path of getting to know them, but perhaps a little more aggressively. You're the "new person" so as long as YOU won't feel out of place if she turns you down, then take it from there.

I think if you're simply two singles who meet up, and there aren't the "group" dynamics involved, that Sten's idea is a healthy one, go for it, see what happens, be honest. But when you have the entire group and their reactions to think about, it's best to be more cautious.