Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Room for regret

ME: "I like him! He's cute!"
HER: "Yeah! He's like Mr. Big... sorta!"

Numerous cocktails later. A trip to the ladies room alone. I returned to find HER kissing Mr. Big.


She "liked" him for a few days... maybe weeks. And then moved on which I took as my cue: To move in.

I fancied myself quite the stealthy-single-gal. Secret text messages. Secret rendezvous. Secret company in our shared apartment.

I waited for the right time to tell her. And waited. I waited too long, because the way she found out was with her own two eyes. My stealth was no match for her sleuth.

And I knew exactly how she was feeling. I'd been there. I'd broken a man's heart only to have it mended by my friend too-soon after. I knew the rules. Exes. Are. Off. Limits.

ME: "I'm sorry! Ugh! This feels so gross!!! Forgive me?!"

HER: "Sure, he's just a guy. You're my best friend.

And just like that I realized there are no real rules for dating your friend's ex... only regrets.

But not the kind you might think.

It's not the secrets or even the consummate "betrayal."

It's the fact it sometimes takes too long to forgive your friend.
For being lonely. For sharing your taste. For being human.

And after being on both sides of the dating debacle...

For that
, I'm sorry.


Sten said...

Regret is my least favorite feeling. I hope the friendship was mended between you to.

Sneakiness is stressful and hardly ever rewarding. They ALWAYS find out. Then there is the obligatory "I uh ... I was gonna tell you ..."
And they say "Really? When? After the engagement?"

Just nasty nasty unnecessary drama.

I prefer ripping off the band-aid. Blunt honesty, let it all out, then they decide how to handle it.

(P.S. I always thought Mr. Big was hot too)

Anonymous said...

yeah, but sneakiness is fun sometimes too.

and when you say "Mr Big", do you mean "Big" from sex and the city, or do you mean the lead singer from that band "Mr Big" from like 15 years ago, the one who had that dead electrocuted squirrel aqua-netted to his head?

singers are so dreamy. rich guys with their own drivers too.

Sten said...

The original reference was to "Sex and the City," but I'm a sucker for roadkill and hairspray.

As for sneakiness being fun - Maybe it is exciting at first, but eventually it gets tiresome, and you might wonder why you're being kept a secret.

Lately I've been more a fan of exhibitionism.

Chrissie said...

i was referring to mr. big from sex and the city, not the band... i actually didn't know what the lead singer looked like, but given your description that's just fine with me;)

in all, i think musicians have the worst hair. take bret michaels and his permanent bandanna and blond mullet for example... not attractive.

rich guys with their own drivers are dreamy... but i think i was most attracted to mr. big's attitude, he was oh-so-smooth.

Mohawk said...

Ahh such a possessive culture we live in to where the urine of previous markings hold firm.

Sten said...

Maybe it isn't so much that the "urine markings" hold firm as that there is something undesirable about your friend's leftovers.

In a way, you have slept with everyone your partners have ... and we all know how sex ruins a friendship. ;)

Mohawk said...

I suppose, but one persons trash is indeed another one's treasure... that is unless you are exactly like your friend then it definitely would be pointless to date their leftovers as you most certainly wouldn't be compatible.

Sten said...

That is true ... and maybe the friend would be kind enough to give pointers ... I hate having to learn things the hard way.

Mohawk said...

I can agree that learning the hard way is annoying, but I've found that anything worth doing is difficult. Dating is, as i like to call it, practice for the real thing. If I'm told the lesson... chances are I'll repeat the folly as opposed to if I had actually lived it.

Say your friend loves snuggling all night and the guy she was dating likes to snuggle for 10min then sleep on the floor. This kind of detail could fuel the "Pointer" that he's emotionally distant. When in fact hes perfect for you because you love to sleep on your bed diagonally and occasionally with your legs up against the wall.

All this leads me to possibly the best phrase ever used in a TV show (The Reading Rainbow, "...but, you don't have to take my word for it!", and you really never should.

Sten said...

Oooooh ... using my words against me. I like that.
I think that the pointers wouldn't actually work, not so much because my friend and I are different people, but because in truth I really think we are different people in each relationship (depending on who we are with).

Maybe I wish I could sleep diagonally when I don't really want to be with the guy, and snuggle closer when he's someone I don't want to let go.

Anonymous said...

Is there a difference between hooking up with your friend's one night stand and your friend's ex of 4 years? Is one worse?

I'm interested in hearing both your thoughts, odd couple!

Sten said...

The difference is in how your friend still feels about the person. It is possible to have no attachment to someone that you were with for several years, yet be hung up on someone you only slept with once. That is why I think there should be a conversation... I want to know how much trouble I'm going to be in before I go through with anything. Then, I'm going to weigh that against how much I want the guy.

Chrissie said...

I more or less agree with Sten on this one... it really depends on the emotions attached to each person.

Although, I think if you were to hook up with your friends one-night-stand, it might be easier for your friend to deal with if the two of you should become an official, long-term item. Instead of 4 years worth of memories, they have only a couple of hours (if they're lucky;).