Thursday, October 23, 2008

Trials of dating part 4: Exes getting married

Ah yes ... one of the side effects of being 28 and having been in the dating circus for 12 years is seeing a few of your exes get married. In my case ... roughly half. And I'm a girl that has more old flames than fingers. (Though not all of them were as impressive.)

Let me say here: This is not a jealous blog. I am in no way ready for that kind of commitment, and more over, never had the desire to make said commitment to any of these men. We all parted well, and I wish them every happiness.

It's their wives I would like a word with.

You owe me. Big time.

Do you think they came out of boy scouts with their current charm and consideration in the bedroom? Hell, no. I bet they even told you some of MY jokes when trying to get your number in the first place.

But you know what they don't do anymore?

– Now "Bozo Boy" doesn't call for booty at an un-Godly hour, forgetting to unlock the door before falling back asleep ... leaving you groggy and freezing in the winter air, knocking on the door.

– "Late Boy" won't show up over and hour late without calling.

– "Bratty Boy" no longer throws a hysterical fit when his HiDef cable gets pixelated, including, of course, refraining from chucking the remote hard against the wall.

– "Weepy Boy" grew a spine and won't cry every time you're mad at him.

– "Water Boy" doesn't fill your mouth with saliva every time you kiss.

– And finally, "Weeney Boy" probably didn't lend you a shirt with a naked (spread eagle) picture of him ironed on .... the FIRST night you stayed over.

That's right. They were all enrolled in the Sten School of Turning Boys into Men. You can go ahead and send along a note of gratitude now – the card need only say "thank you," because once I see your new last name I'll know exactly how I helped you out.


firsty firsty said...

Thank God the women I've dated were already perfect at the time...I'm sooo happy for the guys they end up marrying. You must have dated all of them, too, before I did....

Sten said...

Nah, I just publicly mocked them when they were being ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Please open the Sten School of Turning Boys into Men.

Sten said...

Hahaha ... it's open, but only takes one student at a time. And there is a very selective admissions process.

SARAH said...

well, since my man hasn't enrolled (unfortunately), that would explain the weep'n, watery smoothies, naked portrait T-shirts, and drafty nights!

(you're too funny!)