Friday, November 28, 2008

How can you tell if you're dating a cheat?

A reader sent Chrissie and I a link to a Cosmo story about how to tell if you're dating a cheat.
The title alone "Dating 101: Will Your Guy Cheat on You?" is enough to make me throw up in my mouth.
The list is unfair. It will only breed paranoia in women... a gender typically fraught with insecurity as it is. Not to mention, according to this list, I'D be a cheat ... and I have never strayed once in the 13 years I've been on the market.

Here it goes (If the answer is yes, they're probably gonna cheat) ...

Dating Factor: His Background
Cheat Predictor #1
  • Was he spoiled as a kid?
  • Do his parents tend to baby him and help him out of financial jams?
  • Has he ever bragged about cheating on an exam or paying someone to write a paper for him in college?

  • (#1 I have led a spoiled life where most things come easily. Whatever doesn't come easily, I use violence or money to get it.
    #2 My parents don't exactly baby me, but they do help out with the bookies.
    #3 I even paid a Russian chick to go to my classes ... forget just writing the papers.)

    Dating Factor: His Career
    Cheat Predictor #2
  • Does he work mostly with women?
  • Is he always logging in late hours, whether it be at the office, at dinner with clients or on business trips?
  • Does he make a lot of money?

  • (#1 I'm a woman that mostly works with men.
    #2 I work AT LEAST til 9 pm every night.
    #3 I make so much money I need a shoe horn to close my wallet. )

    Dating Factor: His Schmooze MO
    Cheat Predictor #3
  • Can he talk his way out of anything (parking tickets, rolling into work late)?
  • Does he make an effort to charm everyone -- your coworkers, your older sister, a saleswoman?
  • When you go to parties, does he insist on making the rounds?

    (#1 Yup. I could talk a nun out of her habit, baby.
    #2 Well ... I don't need to "make an effort" ... just comes natural. Ask the naked nun on my lap.
    #3 At a party I definitely scope out the scene before settling on a spot. You say hi to everyone ... find the booze, locate the bathroom and then camp out with the cool kids. That's what you do at a party. )

    Dating Factor: His Friends
    Cheat Predictor #4
  • Does he usually hang out with a crew of mostly single guys?
  • Do his friends encourage him to join them in just-for-men activities?
  • Do his pals have problems staying in relationships?

  • (#1 Most of my friends are single guys.
    #2 They make me do just-for-men activities (what does that even mean?)
    #3 All of my single friends OBVIOUSLY have trouble staying in a relationship. That's why they're single)

    So, am I wrong? Do you think these are good indicators? What would be?


    mohawk said...

    in a world without hue, generalizations would work fantastic. sure most things can be seen as black and white but in all actuality, everything is situational. besides cosmo cant print "if you want to find out if your man is cheating try having a few conversations, get to know him and decide for yourself".

    if they did that then they couldnt tantalize you with it on their cover... right under the DIETING TIPS: A SEXIER SLIMMER YOU headline. infidelity and dieting are the main topic of most any magazine ive seen, mens and womens alike.

    now ive gone and lost my train of thought haha

    Digitalis said...

    Those are pathetic.

    How about - refuses to have sex or cuddle with you, EVER - not busy, tired, etc.

    not returning every message -ok.
    Not calling for weeks - bad sign.

    Talking about how he'd rather fuck this or that chick than touch you. That's a pretty good sign.

    Sten said...

    Isn't the point of losing weight so you can go screw around on your mate? .... that rhymed, didn't it ...

    Sten said...

    Those are good signs, Digitalis.
    If your partner won't touch you that's really bad. Not calling for weeks ... they're either dead or you don't need to bother breaking up.

    Wraith said...

    Personally, I love Cosmo. It allows me to live out every supervillain fantasy I ever had. Without changing, or even getting up from the couch.

    Sten said...

    Uh oh, fantasizing and laziness... you must be a cheater.

    Macgyver said...


    I am imagining a supervillain weened only on Cosmo...

    "Seven Steps to a Sexier Symbiote"

    "Best Tropical Resorts to Take Over This Holiday Season"

    "How Can You Tell If Your Hero Is Fighting Other Villains?"

    Sten said...

    Cosmo would basically be doing your biography in installments ;)

    Macgyver said...

    Too bad Teen Magazine already has the rights...

    bunny said...

    He means Tiger Beat.

    Macgyver said...

    I sold Tiger Beat the rights to my whirlwind affair with Leif Garrett, but those greedy bastards will get nothing more from me.