Monday, November 17, 2008

The return of the eye patch!

So MacGyver and I are up til the weeeee hours playing Rock Band. We're on the REALLY hard songs, if you blink for a second you miss about 50 notes. So I didn't blink.
My right eye starts feeling kinda watery and agitated. MacGyver looks at me an says "your eye is really bloodshot." In a way that makes me feel like the damn thing must be falling out of my skull.

I clean my contact lens, put in a couple eye drops and go to bed.
I wake up in the morning and it hurts. It's very red, tender, swollen and a bit crusty ... like it's been baking in an oven over night. What I'm saying is I looked hot.

No biggie, I put in a couple more drops and with a lens in my left eye, holding a hand over my right, I'm tearing through my place desperately looking for my specs. And looking and looking and looking.

Nothing. Fantastic.

I break out the trusty old eye patch, put it over my poor right eye and with a quick "AAARRRRR" to my reflection in the mirror, I set out for the eye doctor place in the mall.

Walking in, I get immediately accosted by one of those kiosk people trying to sell lotions and crap.

Kiosk man: "Hello miss, do you have natural nails?"
Me: "Hey buddy, what I have is an eyeball dripping ooze under this patch, you're cream isn't gonna cut it."

He awkwardly backs away and mumbles something like "Feel better."
Thanks. Note to self, eye patch works to ward off solicitors. Awesome.

I get to the eye place, walk up to one of the optometrists and say "Hi, this isn't as bad as it looks, but I need to walk out of here with glasses." To my happy surprise, they say no problem, but I have to get an exam first.

Now, I know I did something wrong, and am probably in for a lecture. I constantly sleep with my contacts in and don't change pairs nearly often enough ... so I decide to be funny in hopes that the doc might not give the full riot act.

Doc: Your eye's pretty red there.
Me: Yeah, only my right side inhales.
Doc: (Silence)
Me: You know ... my left side is the Bill Clinton half ... was kinda a joke... (voice trails off)

Doc: Right. Do you have and burning, discomfort, blurriness....?
Me (with a smile): Well, I'm only wearing one lens, so everything is a bit blurry right now.
Doc (perfectly serious): Don't worry, I think that's normal.
Me (under my breath): Yeah, no sh*t.

Doc: Well Miss Miller, I see here that you were in for this same problem in 2004.
Me: Hey! Four years since I've made the same mistake? That's pretty good for me. I still touch the burner on my stove to see how hot it is.
Doc: (Unamused)

... this guy's humor was closed up tighter than my apartment when I'm locked out at night. Not even a twinge of the lips. But I was not deterred.

Doc: Do you sleep with them in?
Me: Yeah ... I like waking up and seeing clearly. Makes me think I'm cured.
Doc: You're going to damage your eyes that way.
Me: That sounds serious.


Doc: How long do you keep the same pair of lenses in?
Me: Uhh about two months...
Doc: You should be changing them every two weeks.
Me: Well, I've been trying to work on my problem with commitment.
Doc: I don't think that works with contact lenses.

Obviously this guy wasn't amused by me in the slightest. So I sit through the rest of the exam reading all the little letters like a good girl. Anytime I couldn't see the bottom line, I felt like I was letting him down. Eye exams are meant to make you feel bad about yourself. You go in there knowing you can't see perfectly, and we pay these doctors to tell us just how inadequate we are.

I made a mental note to eat more carrots.

When it's done he says my prescription hasn't changed much. (Which means I haven't destroyed my vision like he warned.)
I walk over and try to pick out new frames. Which is a bit overwhelming as the walls are covered with roughly a billion options. Not to mention, I can't see anything ... as I had to take out the left lens for the eye exam. I settle on a pair and seek the advice of a disinterested sales associate. I ask if they're better than the eye patch. She gives a half-hearted smile. Apparently there is no laughing at the optometrist.

They could probably all use a visit to the proctologist.

I was thinking of suggesting this when I got the bill.


Anonymous said...
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Thomas G Henry said...

"Note to self, eye patch works to ward off solicitors. Awesome." hhahahahahaaha awesome.

Sten said...

Though it pained me, I had to take down a beautifully supportive comment due to the f-bomb. A word I adore when off the clock ... Lets all try to come up with fun synonyms in the future.

As for Thomas's comment ... my statement about the patch is as true as it is humorous. You can borrow it if you want ;)

Anonymous said...

Well, I believe that eye patches are always a valid fashion statement. September 19th is the best day of the year, as far as I am concerned. Forget the doctor, I miss your sarcasm!

The Retropolitan said...

Eye patches work even better when you wear them on both eyes.

Sten said...

That's an age old trick to make people look more attractive.

Macgyver said...

i thought this whole thing was hilarious.

that's probably why they threw me out of optometry school...