Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Single slumming


Chrissie wrote about how people tend to gain weight when in a relationship, but what about the chronic laziness that plagues a lot of singles?

Shaving.
Whether we're talking about a man's face or a woman's legs ... or some women's faces and men's legs (The Odd Couple does not judge) ... this is generally not taken care of as regularly when you don't have some one rubbing up against you. I swear, some guys walk around looking like they'd been held captive in the woods by a demented clown.
And women. Man. I've seen a complete ecosystem form on a girl's leg. She actually got it declared a national park. Pretty hot.
I won't even talk about a chick's pits. Personally, I never let that get out of control. Damn hippies and Europeans.

Eating like a scavenger. If you cook for someone, you might actually have food in your fridge. If not - it's a life of take-out, doggie bags, and nothing but beer and condiments at home. A single person's sense of smell is far more advance than a taken one's. They constantly have to sniff the milk and two-day old pizza to see if it's gone bad.

Living like a pig. No one wants to be the "pig pen" in a relationship. If your man/woman is heading over, you pick up the crap on the floor, make the bed, do the dishes .... hide whatever might start a fight ...
But a single piggie? Why should they care?

Underoos. Come on ... we all do the undies check if we know someone's gonna see them. And girls feel just a little sexier when their set matches. There's nothing like walking around in a garter belt and push-up bra knowing your guy is gonna uncover them later.
But what if you're just hugging a pillow at night? Isn't a guy more likely to pull on faded tightie whities complete with old skid marks? Yum!
And girls with their grannie panties and stretched-out "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders?" OOOOOO baby.

I'll stop there. I'm getting a little turned on. Let me know if I've missed anything.

11 comments:

Wraith said...

very thorough, your picture makes you look like emmett kelly. creepy.

Sten said...

What can I say ... I spent the last week held captive in the woods by a demented clown ...

Creepgyver said...

I know exactly what you mean.

When I'm single I don't even try to hide the bones, blood, knives, and filthy mattresses I usually have strewn about my apartment.

Chrissie said...

maybe i'm the only one who still primps while single. any night might have been the night "i met someone" so i didn't want to even go to the grocery store without a bit of mascara and lip gloss:)

although, that hasn't changed too much now that i found a man... i'm still afraid of looking creepy and running into someone from high school or something, who will then run off and tell everyone what a troll chrissie has become;)

Jamie said...

This one might be a little specific, but it’s definitely relevant. Single people can be a lot freer with the material they have on their computer desktop background or screensaver. A single fella can put up his Zooey Deschanel wallpaper without immediately being asked, “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” which is a total trap, no matter what way you look at it. Because if you say “yes”, you’re sleeping on the couch, and if you say “no”, you’re a liar … and you’re sleeping on the couch. I dunno if this counts as a “habit”, but it’s what came to mind.

Sten said...

I'd be gay for Zooey. Or her sister. Definitely for both at the same time.

I dated a guy that wouldn't watch Christian Bale movies with me because he knew how lusty I'd get.
Singles definitely don't worry too much about hiding their celebrity crushes.
So since then, I've decided that only real men can handle the Bale test.

Colin said...

I wouldn't say that the celeb crushes don't come out in relationships. Erin's absolutely in love with Stuart Townsend and Alexander Ovechkin and has no problem telling me so. Mind you, she gets her panties all in a bunch when I even mention Alyson Hannigan. Seriously though, who is ever going to actually meet their celeb crush and even have a chance with them? Sure, Ovechkin is slightly more likely than Stuart Townsend given he plays on a Washington, DC team. But I've got a man-crush on him so I can't really fault the girl.

Chrissie said...

My celebrity crush...

Gael GarcĂ­a Bernal !!! Weird, I know.

My man had a thing for Heather Graham who was his screen saver on his computer when we first met. He changed it without me asking him too... I figured she wasn't a threat to real to life me.

Although I've recently discovered he had a thing for Gwyneth Paltrow... which bothers me more because she just seems so boring and mousy to me.

Sten said...

I once bought a boyfriend a Britney Spears calendar as part of his Xmas gift. The one he had was soon to be outdated, so I knew he'd appreciate it. I just wished it wasn't Britney ... can't wrap my head around that one. And it should have been a good indication that we weren't going to last.

sull said...

i thought my slumming was because i'm not single.

Shoes McGee said...

Can I just take a moment to comment on how dead sexy you look with a 5 o'clock shadow...rar!

I think to some extent there is that new and exciting "putting up your best face" part of the relationship where you hide all of the granny panties (and in creepgyvers case, evidence). But how long can you keep that up? I think after you get comfortable with someone you tend to revert back to some of those single slumming it tendencies. Perhaps it's laziness, but I'd also like to think that you reach a point in a relationship where sexy undies aren't needed and your guy (or girl) finds you just as attractive in your worn out "day of the week" cotton underwear because it's you that he finds appealing and not the Victoria Secrets' matching set.