Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Love is blind

Cheating is bad.
If your boy/girl gets tanked and makes out with a stranger it's pretty hurtful. You'd probably want to punch them in their whorish mouth and fill their iPod with music from Barney.

Understandable ... a fitting punishment.

But what would you do if you'd been with some one for over 4 years ... even lived with them ... then found out they'd been seeing someone else FOR A YEAR behind your back?

Not even a lifetime of music sung by the friendly purple dinosaur would be enough.

If you shaved their head and glued the hair inside their mouth that STILL wouldn't set things right.

This just happened to a friend of mine. I feel so enraged for her. I always really liked her boyfriend. He was a great guy – fun, sweet and seemed to adore her. I never would have believed such deceit could come from a person I considered a friend. Such cowardness in not coming clean to either woman. As if living a lie is so much easier than being honest the people he supposedly loved.

Cause really, keeping everything straight for a year could not have been a simple task. I mean ... how did he even swing it?

I'll tell you how. Love is blind. You don't want to believe that your partner would do anything to hurt you. You trust them. They tell you something, and if it's feasible enough, you accept it ... because the alternative is unbearable.

Yet my girl is bearing it now. Her chin is up, and she's getting her life in order. A life that used to be intertwined with his.

Shame on him.


Wraith said...


how about a plague?

Digitalis said...

Jeez. I'm not organized enough to schedule one life, let alone two.

Chrissie said...

it's funny how OFTEN stuff like this seems to happen.

my 'cheating' post was inspired by hearing way too many stories like the one your friend is living right now.

guys that are secretly married
guys that are dating TWO women
guys that are still seeing their exes from time to time...

i don't doubt that women can be deceptive... but why do we so rarely hear of a gal who has two relationships ???

Anonymous said...

I knew the couple this post is about and I really wish I could shield the woman from such horrible pain she did not deserve. I really feel she was victimized by someone she let into her heart because she was lied to at every turn and for months!

I just don't understand how anyone could do this. I guess that's a stupid statement, because there are a lot of mean people out there. People who torture puppies and steal from the handicapped. I guess I would rank serial cheaters in this category.

Anonymous said...

Chrissie- The contention that women are somehow always made the victim and are much less likely to cheat or betray is a fallacious one. There are a large number of (both) women and men who have a tendency to hedge their bets or have a contingency plan. Many people (in my experience women) are so terrified of being alone that they ignore the ruin they leave in their wake and selfishly juggle two or three partners, or jump to another partner well before their last relationship is over. Anything to not be alone with one's self.

Anonymous said...

I agree w/ chrissie. I acknowledge that men and women both cheat and lie. but I also think that men and women lie and cheat differently, and for varying reasons.
e.g. years ago, my gfs used to tell me about falling out of love with their steady boyfriend and meeting a new guy who is more thrilling.
While my male friends would tell me about doing the deed with some girl they met while drunk, and add, they hope their steady gf never finds out.

Chrissie said...

anon #1... I agree. It's shocking that things like this go on, no matter how many times we hear of it. And it's those "little lies" that add up to the huge betrayal. Things like "I'll be home late, still at work," or "I'm not hungry for some reason" when the REAL reason is that you HAD A MEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

anon #2... I don't think women are always "made the victim" or even that they are necessarily "less likely to cheat." i said that i "don't doubt that women can be deceptive." but the reality of my personal experience is that the woman actually are the victims not that we "make them that way," or they make themselves that way.

my opinion was posed as a question because i find it hard to believe that it is only men who do these sorts of things, but experience tells me that they're more often the perpetrator rather than the victim.

but i also don't think that women are "so afraid of being alone" that they will lie and cheat because of it...

i think the assumption that "women are so desperate to find a man that they will do anything" is just as stereotypical as believing that men are the only ones who cheat.

Sten said...

Yeah. I have no problem being single.

I'm seeing someone now because I think he's something special, not because i have a space in my life that needed filling.

And I've been cheated on once ... but I don't consider myself a "victim." We were both miserable.

Anonymous said...

women are more likely to cheat by having short-lived flings. men are more like to try to corral and juggle as many "relationships" as possible.

this is the natural order of the animal kingdom (for most species): the male maintains the harem. the female pledges loyalty to a single male and relies on him to take care of her... but occasionally she trysts with another male of superior genes now and then.

we humans are only somewhat "above" these basic animal instincts. our subconscious betrays us.

also i've noticed that once you reconcile cheating with natural behavior, it's much easier to not be so offended by it. "it's not you, baby, it's just... nature..." ;)

Anonymous said...

except humans have superior intelligence and complex emotions, not to mention, are taught right from wrong, so really, it's not easier when you reconcile cheating with natural behavior. When you do that, YOU ARE JUST USING AN EXCUSE FOR BEING A LOW LIFE PIG, hehe. that was fun.

Sten said...

There are "animals" that mate for life, Anon. And animals don't LIE. So in some ways, people are lower.

Cheating is a symptom of a failing relationship. People should have to decency to end it before they go there.

Or, just don't get committed. There are plenty of people who are perfectly happy to have flings ... no strings attached.

Anonymous said...

I agree w/ Sten that cheating is a sign of a failing relationship. I also think, in many instances, the relationship failures are a failure to communicate your unhappiness before it gets to a point of cheating. And if you can't communicate "I feel you rely on me as your only source of support and it's suffocating" clearly, opening up and saying, "I want to leave the relationship" is going to be that much harder.

Not to mention that you can be unhappy or furious or unable to live with someone you still love.

Mohawk said...

im inclined to think that cheating is separate from how good or bad a relationship is going. it becomes apparent that cheating is going on when its failing but i think cheaters have an underlying problem.

there are plenty of people out there who cheat because they are self centered in nature and want it all. that seems to be what we're looking at here. it was easy for him to do this because its what he prefers, and it was always about what he wanted.

it sucks that your friend had to go through this. im glad it didnt last longer because im sure that was always a possibility.

also im inclined to think that you rarely hear about women dating 2 men due to a few things. 1 cheating women cover for other cheating women. ive had a few gf's cheat on me and i came to see this fact in full force. most guys dont have that kind of 'support' backing them up. 2 girls have the power in a sexual relationship so there is no need for them to be in 2 'committed relationships' when they can say to x amount of partners "we arent serious" and most guys will sell themselves short for the promise of booty.

My advice to your friend though would be to try her hardest to separate this relationship from any future endeavors. being cautious is one thing, being devoid of trust is another and the latter is one that we all need to avoid.

Colin said...

"45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)"

That's the only statistic I could find on short notice that takes into account a margin of error and accounts for the fact that people lie, especially on surveys.

It's pretty close to 50/50 when you look at it that way. Women aren't the innocent bystanders that they're always made out to be by the Lifetime channel. We don't see as many stories of women being secretly married in the media because it doesn't yank at the sympathy strings so much as when a dirty rotten male scoundrel does it. A woman who is cheated on by a man is a victim in our society. A man who is cheated on by a woman is simply expected to jump back in the game and find someone else. A great study in the way our society perceives women differently from men is the reaction of the interested parties in "The Graduate." Dustin Hoffman's character is instantly made the bad-guy while Anne Bancroft, who started the whole affair, is made to be the victim. If one looks at a parallel statistic such as domestic violence, we again see a perception discrepancy. It is commonly perceived that women are the majority victim when it comes to domestic violence. However, the statistics state that it is actually a 50/50 split. As many men are abused or treated violently by their spouses as are women every year in the US. It's all a matter of perception which has been shaped by the media over the years.

Back to the topic of cheating, 86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex. and 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with. Mind you, these are total statistics, not just married ones, but the drive to maintain some semblance of 'the old life' usually remains in men and women even after becoming involved in a relationship. This may manifest itself in 'Guys/Girls night out,' but can also manifest itself in less healthy (for the relationship) activity such as flirting at work or during these girls/guys night out activities. What's more, co-workers and friends of the offender are far less likely to clue the offender's s/o in on the whole deal due to their allegiance to their co-worker/friend.

As for Sten's friend, she should have seen the "Dan Marino" syndrome (3 years and no ring) as a warning sign, especially having moved in together. It's one thing to be in college and co-habitat without some sort of lasting commitment coming in a short time. Once you are in the real world however, if it takes more than a year to get a ring after moving in together, that's usually not a good omen.

Mario said...

There's a comment above that mentions how men and women perhaps cheat differently. That recalled to my mind a recent news article:

'Marilyn Monroe' hormone discovered

Apparently, you have to watch out for the women with hourglass shaped figures.

The Retropolitan said...

I got a story for you: a guy I know was dumped by his girlfriend of two years because she got engaged to someone else that she'd been secretly seeing the entire time.