Friday, March 6, 2009

How to be a cougar


"The Graduate" changed my life. Anne Bancroft's portrayal of Mrs. Robinson gave meaning and purpose to my life: Drink scotch. Chain smoke. And most importantly, chase after a younger man.

That's right mom and dad - I want to be a cougar when I grow up.

What is a cougar, you ask? (Perhaps with a small tremble of fear in your voice)
According to the Urban Dictionary: "A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal."

Sounds awesome. Except maybe the last line... which comes off a little too much like "Hannibal Lecter meets Mrs. Robinson." I'd rather be more like "John McClane meets Mrs. Robinson," and bust through a young man's window in a bloody wife beater with a cigarette dangling from my red lips and say "yippie kai yay," Dustin Hoffman.

That would be slurred of course ... due to the large amounts of scotch that made busting through a 18-year-old's window seem like a good idea.

Because this dream IS so important to me, I did some research on the internet. Here are some tips:

1. Look at younger men in a whole new light.
(Generally if a guy can't buy me a drink, I just don't see what he has to offer. But I had it all wrong – This is what makes me SO COOL! I can buy drinks.)

2. "Remember that age is only a number.
(A younger guy looks at an older woman and says "She's got experience. That's hot! " When an older guy looks at a woman and says "She's got experience," what he's really thinking is "She's got baggage."
Younger guys are too stupid to know what they're walking into. I like that.)

3. Laugh at the people rude enough to point out the age difference between you and your prey.
I like that this site keeps referring to boys as "prey." I can handle this one. I laugh at people all the time.

4. Flaunt what you've got. Identify an exceptional feature to accentuate.
This one is easy. I'll just whip out my fat wallet, arsenal of video games, and bubble wrap.

Now, because this blog doubles as a public service, here are some tips for you kittens looking to play with the big cats:

1. Look for a group of single women. Cougars, the females, travel in packs.
(Basically, it's like going on Safari)

2. Make sudden eye contact. Before you can figure out why, the cougar is holding your gaze. Cougars are not bashful. If they are holding your gaze, watch out for their deadly pounce.

3. Know that you will be caught in a "cat trap" if you accept a drink.
(It's probably drugged too.)

4 comments:

Zee said...

I can't comment on "doin'" old women but I did want to say I like whenever you turn your avatar into some kind of half-animal creature... I hope you write about calamari so we cat a Squidsten...

Wraith said...

Let's see what the National Parks Service says about these dread creatures.

"Mysterious, enigmatic, secretive -- the cougar weaves in and out of myth and legend like a wisp of smoke."

"Cougars are primarily nocturnal creatures and, even when active in daylight, they are secretive and rarely seen."

"Jogging is not recommended. People running or moving rapidly may be at higher risk."

Steps to follow if one encounters a cougar:
* Stop. Do not run.
* Immediately pick up small children.
* If you were sitting or bending over, stand upright. Spread your arms, open your coat -- try to look as large as possible.
* Maintain eye contact with the cougar, and attempt to slowly back away.

Protect the children!! Zee likes furries

Colin said...

Aww Wraith beat me to the furry comment!

Did you know that Anne Bancroft was only something like 4 years older than Dustin Hoffman in that movie?

Anyway, my bar turned into a cougar bar there for a bit. It can be kinda sad to watch. These women have such low self esteem when you get right down to it. When a cougar misses out on a catch, they don't bounce right back like a frat-boy and hit on the next thing to come along, they just look.... devastated. It's sad!

Having lived at a ski resort for a few years, I've seen my fair share of cougars anyway. It turns out that the mythical "experience" that cougars are supposed to have really doesn't exist all that often. They're usually divorcees who were only married in the first place because they'd let their men walk all over them in exchange for a nice house, car, and ski chalet. Like I said, it's a bit sad.

Digitalis said...

That's not a cougar, Collin, that's a pigeon.