Monday, February 16, 2009
The Voice of Experience
My only sister gave birth to a baby girl. As of today, I am somebody's aunt.
Holding that little wonder in my arms was the most moving experience of my life. And looking down at that crinkled face with its adorable, miniature person features I was overcome with love and protectiveness.
With her whole life ahead of her, she's gonna need some guidance. She's going to need advice from her Auntie Sten.
So here you are, little one ... listen well.
#1 First off, as a baby, and certainly as a little girl, there's going to be the expectation that you're always sweet and cute. In order to maintain that facade, whenever you fart, poop, throw up or burp, point immediately to the nearest adult. Preferably the largest male. You should probably throw in some tears so they know just how disgusting you think those things are.
#2 While a sweet smile will avert most confrontations, I say always go for the jugular. Talk smack to people as soon as you can put two syllables together ... it might be rough in the beginning, but after a while they'll learn not to mess with you. You'll thank me.
#3 Don't talk to stupid boys. If they look like trouble, they probably are.
#4 All boys are stupid.
#5 Sharing is for doormats. If it's yours, put your name on it. If someone tries to play with your toys, tell them you don't share with illiterate douchebags.
#6 The sooner you learn to drive, the more freedom you'll have. You should probably put in a word with Santa now to get a Power Wheels for Christmas. Make sure it's a red one. I'll teach you.
#7 There is no Santa. Don't swallow any of that "you better be good cause Claus is checking his list" crap. Your mom and dad are getting all the gifts, and if they don't buy you anything, no matter how wonderfully naughty you are, everyone will think they're horrible parents.
#8 Your grandparents are all pushovers. If mom and dad don't come through with the Power Wheels, hit up the grannies. They'll get you anything.
#9 Mud is awesome. Mom will love it if you bring some inside for her.
#10 If she asks, the mud idea didn't from your Auntie Sten. Mom will think you're really cool if you thought of it on your own.