Friday, February 13, 2009

Worst Love Songs

As adolescents, we all fantasized about meeting the one and making that first, big, decision together.

And no, I'm not talking about THAT decision...

I'm talking about the daunting task of choosing YOUR SONG.

We imagine the experience to be an event to remember. The setting usually consists of sitting in your parent's old car at make-out point. And just as you're about to lean in for a kiss the radio station hears your hearts pitter-pattering and plays the perfect tune for smooching.

But, if you're like me, things aren't always so "perfect."

And how could they be... when we're inundated not with the perfect love song, but with a bunch of TERRIBLE tunes that point out the flaws in finding love rather than the perks???

You know, songs like...
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne
Not only was this song a total rip off for "Hey Mickey" but it also came with some pretty desperate lyrics (we'll ignore the fact it was my ring tone at a particularly low-point in my love life;)

Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Sure, you COULD be his girlfriend, but SHOULD you?

"All I have to Give" by The Backstreet Boys

I should probably refrain from adding boy band songs to this list as it might get too long, but these lyrics take the cake.

I don't know what he does to make you cry
But I'll be there to make you smile

I don't have a fancy car
To get to you I'd walk a thousand miles
I don't care if he buys you nice things

Does his gifts come from the heart?

I don't know

But if you were my girl

I'd make it so we'd never be apart

Um, you SHOULD KNOW something
... and if you were MY BOY you'd need a car AND a better vocabulary, "DO HIS GIFTS" guys, not, "DOES."

"Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)" by Beyonce

Okay, so this might technically be a "break up song," but that doesn't change the fact that it undermines true love and encourages neediness from women everywhere.

if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

I would like to change this to my own version of... "If he liked it, then he WOULD have put a ring on it," now Please, Stop, Singing.

Your turn.

What are some of the WORST love songs and why?


Zee said...

I totally agree with you on the "put a ring on it song". I have a problem with any song that refers to a woman as "it" and find the fact it's *sung* by a woman even more disturbing.

Personally, I hate any love songs that sound like the singer is threatening their intended love target, "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. Or "I'll Be Right Here Waiting For You" by Richard Marx:

"Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here, waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you"

Imagine that being sung by a smelly homeless guy standing in your front yard staring in your windows....

The greatest love song of all, of course, is Muskrat Love by The Captain & Tenille.

veronica said...

i agree about creepy love songs.... "you are my sunshine" is one:

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day


You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams

Sten said...

"All I wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by heart is horrendous ... about a woman that picks up some guy standing in the pouring rain, and sleeps with him so she can get pregnant.
Little twisted, there.

As for a great love song - "Something" by The Beatles. Gets me every time.
And of course, "One" by U2.

rob said...

don't hate on the single ladies. that's the very first ring tone i put on my new phone :D

Alice said...

Sorry to be a PIA, but "Every Breath You Take" was not meant to be a romantic song. Sting has said in interviews that the song was purposefully stalker-y and that he was creeped out to hear people would dance to it at their weddings.

As for me, I read Sten Facebook message and the only song that came to mind was "Broken Wings" by... I think the group is Cutting Crew.

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
Learn to live so free
And when we hear
The voices sing
The book of love will open up
And let us in.

Umm... OK buddy. (And yes, I know it's embarrassing I know the words to this, but "Monster Ballads" does have some great/awful stuff on it!)

Alice said...

My good love song option is "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan. A happy, upbeat love song. And let's face it. The relationship has got to be good for me to say it's better than Cherry Garcia.

Mohawk said...

Brian Adams, Everything I Do, (and all other serious love songs). Why? because serious love songs are so cheesy and dumb. Love is never like that and they feed the retarded idea that it is. Love songs should however be corny, funny, make you smile and embarrass the shit out of the person singing it.

Best love song ever?

seriously this is a bag of awesome sprinkled with win

Anonymous said...

Almost every love song sounds like a stalker song when you actually listen to the words.

Yuki said...

Hmm, Every Breath You one's mentioned "You're Beautiful" yet? Absolute. Most. Pathetic. Ever.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Picture this. You're with your SO, taking the subway to wherever, and this guy will not stop staring at you. You think he's high. Anyone else feeling the urge to pull out a taser? Yeah, me too.

Best? I call Book of Love, Peter Gabriel version. It's kind of hilarious but pretty damn true.

Colin said...

Worst? "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. If there's anyone who shouldn't be allowed to sing about love, it is that woman. I think Bobby Brown beat the last bit of love out of her about 10 years ago.

Best? Peter Bjorn and John's "The Chills"

Sure it's not all gushy lovey-dovey, but it doesn't get tiring.

Zee said...

I went to serenade my girlfriend with "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys 'cause it's good and in 'Boogie Nights' and all and discovered it opens with the line "I may not always love you..." What the hell? 'Happy Valentine's Day! My love is conditional!"

Mario said...

Yuki -- That "You're Beautiful" song is terrible. But here's why I hate it.

"Mr. Romance" sees his perfect someone and sings "I've got a plan."

At the end of the song, what's his plan turn out to be? Nothing! From what goes on in the song, his plan was basically to swoon, wax (insipidly) poetic, and then basically wave "Bye-bye, pretty girl."

He's a real hero, that one.