Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Is timing everything?

Has anyone ever said to you "I really like you but the timing isn't right." Then proceed to list circumstances of their life that make it "impossible" for you to date?

Like if they say "My job is really demanding ... I don't have time for a relationship" what they're really saying is "I don't WANT to make time for you."


"I just got out of a relationship, I'm not ready to commit" really means they're still looking for something better.


"I love you, but I'm moving to Yemen, and I think the distance is too much" means they are most likely gay and have every episode of 'Friends' memorized.

I've told guys stupid crap like "I'm not interested in dating, I'm going through an asexual phase" which meant "I'm not attracted to you." And, "I need to stop seeing you and make more time for my art." Which is a big smelly load that actually meant, "you aren't doing anything wrong, but I don't have feelings for you anymore."
One time, because nothing else had worked, I told a guy that we had to end it or a giant panda bear would fall from the sky and reak havok on Poughkeepsie ... which translated to, "I would rather be taken away in a straight jacket than have to spend another second with you."

It's hard to tell someone that you aren't interested ... especially when it's "not interested ANYMORE." You blunder around the truth trying not to hurt people anymore than you have to.
So, I think the "time wasn't right rationale is all bullcrap. It isn't about timing - it's about whether or not you care enough about someone to make it work. Where there is true affection, there is a way.

Monday, March 30, 2009


We all know how fun flirting can be.

It boosts our egos, makes us feel sexy and wanted, and provides some harmless escapism in our day.

But what happens when flirting goes too far???

When we're single, the opportunities are endless. Flirting can be the beginning of a relationship or just some spontaneous conversation. But when we're in a relationship, the boundaries between right and wrong aren't quite so clear and each couple needs to set their own limits on how much flirting is too much.

Because no matter how smitten we may be with our significant other, the time will come where we still find another person attractive... or smart... or funny. And when we are faced with these people, it's hard to turn our flirtation-feelers off.

But where is the line drawn for flirting in relationships? Is the question one of how frequent the exchange, how R-Rated the conversation, or is it always the question of whether or not things become physical?

I usually find spontaneous flirting to be on the 'okay' list. Feel free to wink at your waitress but realize that your intent is what changes things.

Because it's only a matter of time before your repeated desire to continue a flirtation ends up in a relationship disaster.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Making up is hard to do.

Few will deny that we spend a lot of time discussing how to get over a BREAK UP when things don't work out with our relationships. We know we can rely on our friends for support and we feed ourselves ice cream by the pint and buy wine by the gallon to recover.

But how's a gal supposed to deal with a MAKE UP?

After weeks of fear and hate mongering, it's hard to tell the world that you actually "Loved him that whole time" and that your rants and raves were out of pain, but not necessarily indicative of the entire life you'd built together.

And so where's the book that shows the most dignified way to tell your friends you're "Sticking it out" in spite of your differences???

Where's the advice columnist saying, "Congratulations for placing value in your relationship, here's the way to get past what's happened and move forward while staying together."???

I can't help but wonder that if we had people in our lives who truly wanted to see us happy, that they would remind us of the good times when we're going through a bad moment in our romantic relationship. That instead of getting our "back" while we complain about the hard times that they quietly remind us that there is good there too.

But maybe that's not so much our friends faults as it is our own.

Because instead of bragging to the world that things are "great" we're afraid to gloat. Misery loves company after all, and so we never call upon it during the good times, only the bad.

We keep those precious moments to ourselves and still somehow expect the people in our lives to tell us what we want to here in a crisis.

But if all we're giving them are the bad moments, how can we expect good advice?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Celebrity sightings

So the other day, I was out with the boys and in walks David Cook of American Idol fame.

Not surprisingly, two of my "Guy Night" companions recognized him instantly ... giddy with manly excitement. One suggests we go out for a smoke ... just so we could slyly walk by and check him out. Once in the crisp night air the debate begins .... Do we approach him?

"Why not! I say" - brave with a cigarette dangling from my mouth and a tummy full of scotch. I kinda wanted to see if he wanted MY autograph. (My imaginary RockBand group has gotten some serious imaginary international recognition, after all.)

Now, I'm no Idol-head, but there's something kind of neat about running into someone famous ... so you can make them incredibly uncomfortable. And they kinda HAVE to take your crap ... wouldn't want "the fans" to think they're a douche.

So we say "hi". I make some jokes... he was sitting with his drummer (drummers are awesome). I asked if he put the auditioning band members through "Hollywood week." And if when Cook thinks they play like crap he accosts them with a British accent.
Not sure that Cook found all that funny ... I could swear he gave a frightened shudder as if remembering a bad dream.

Anyway, I would have come off a lot cooler if when I told the drummer:
"I have a lot of respect for drummers and am trying to learn to play," Firsty didn't chime in with:
"Yeah, she plays a lot of RockBand, so she thinks she's a real drummer."

Not cool Firsty. Not cool.

Anyway, for being a suburban area, we certainly get a lot of celebs passing through and even settling down. I've also run into Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, Michelle Williams, Matthew Modine and Marissa Tomei.

Who have you seen?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

For the fans

There's an important relationship issue that we've yet to touch upon here at the Odd Couple.

The issue of domestic violence.

But in light of the most recent events surrounding celebrity couple Rihanna and Chris Brown, it's hard to ignore the fact that sometimes, people stay in relationships while the whole world is begging them not to.

Sure, people deserve to be forgiven for some things because no one is perfect.

But of all the "deal breakers" in relationships, violence is never one easily cast aside.

It's one thing to take back a man who flirts too much or one who even has a history of cheating.

But overcoming physical abuse is not something many think of as possible, and certainly not in the amount of time these two have spent apart.

When I put up with less than I deserve I often think of my younger sister. At 12 years old she surely looks up to me and I want to set a good example for her. I want her to know that some things are never okay.

But with this particular instance, I can only hope that in spite of how much she may love him, that Rihanna will think of all of those who will follow in her footsteps if she chooses to stay.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Avoiding temptation

"If women respected one another and stuck together then men wouldn't be so tempted to stray."

That's life according to a friend of mine. That as women, we should stick together against the evil male hormones that prompt promiscuity and ruin relationships. That a true bond among feminine friends could very likely cut the casualties that result from infidelity.

But I would like to think that flirting and eventually succumbing to the desires or not is really representative of the individual who is IN a relationship rather than the person who may be perusing them.

But is there something to be said for a woman who defines the word TEMPTRESS???

According to THIS ARTICLE there are ways for a man to resist temptation, whether it's in the form of a sexy-ex or a coy co-worker.

Men are encouraged to be honest with themselves by acknowledging that enticement is out there and that there are ways to fight it.

But can a man really turn down a casual fling by mumbling the words "I have a girlfriend" a few hundred times???

Or is it necessary for the female temptress to consider ALL parties involved and back off for the sake of women everywhere?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Playing with the boys

"Sorry Chrissie, the other girls won't get here until after 10."
"That's okay," said my man, "She can hang."

And so hang I did. With the guys. With wrestling on TV and beer in hand, I infiltrated guy's night an an attempt to get closer to my guy and his interests.

But sometime in between "renouncing marriage" and "grabbing another cold one," an issue of Playboy ended up on my man's lap with instructions for him to open it.

Let me tell you this: I am no prude. I've seen/read/re-read more than one issue of Playboy and I have no problems with my man enjoying a subscription.

But what I've never seen is it brought out family style at a social gathering.

"Hey, could you pass the chips and let me see that naked chick again?"

I pointed out how fake her _____ were and how flat her bottom was. To which I was told, "You're ruining this for me."

And all I could think was how a man would feel if a chick brought out her most recent issue of "HUGE MEN IN THONGS" and threw it on the lap of a newly engaged gal saying, "Check out page 17, he's AMAZING!"

Would those guys not find the comparison uncomfortable? Would they not instinctively feel as if they were being compared to perfection or is that only a result faced by women striving to meet a particular standard?

I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to disappear.
Because her bare body sprawled across his lap made me feel naked and vulnerable and the room full of men who were starring at her aroused only my discomfort.

As the pages were turned one of the guys exclaimed, ""I was anticipating her to look better!"

And all I could think was how he wasn't the only one expecting more.

Friday, March 6, 2009

How to be a cougar

"The Graduate" changed my life. Anne Bancroft's portrayal of Mrs. Robinson gave meaning and purpose to my life: Drink scotch. Chain smoke. And most importantly, chase after a younger man.

That's right mom and dad - I want to be a cougar when I grow up.

What is a cougar, you ask? (Perhaps with a small tremble of fear in your voice)
According to the Urban Dictionary: "A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal."

Sounds awesome. Except maybe the last line... which comes off a little too much like "Hannibal Lecter meets Mrs. Robinson." I'd rather be more like "John McClane meets Mrs. Robinson," and bust through a young man's window in a bloody wife beater with a cigarette dangling from my red lips and say "yippie kai yay," Dustin Hoffman.

That would be slurred of course ... due to the large amounts of scotch that made busting through a 18-year-old's window seem like a good idea.

Because this dream IS so important to me, I did some research on the internet. Here are some tips:

1. Look at younger men in a whole new light.
(Generally if a guy can't buy me a drink, I just don't see what he has to offer. But I had it all wrong – This is what makes me SO COOL! I can buy drinks.)

2. "Remember that age is only a number.
(A younger guy looks at an older woman and says "She's got experience. That's hot! " When an older guy looks at a woman and says "She's got experience," what he's really thinking is "She's got baggage."
Younger guys are too stupid to know what they're walking into. I like that.)

3. Laugh at the people rude enough to point out the age difference between you and your prey.
I like that this site keeps referring to boys as "prey." I can handle this one. I laugh at people all the time.

4. Flaunt what you've got. Identify an exceptional feature to accentuate.
This one is easy. I'll just whip out my fat wallet, arsenal of video games, and bubble wrap.

Now, because this blog doubles as a public service, here are some tips for you kittens looking to play with the big cats:

1. Look for a group of single women. Cougars, the females, travel in packs.
(Basically, it's like going on Safari)

2. Make sudden eye contact. Before you can figure out why, the cougar is holding your gaze. Cougars are not bashful. If they are holding your gaze, watch out for their deadly pounce.

3. Know that you will be caught in a "cat trap" if you accept a drink.
(It's probably drugged too.)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Water closet confessions

As I stood hovering in a graffiti laden stall at Bacchus, I became transfixed ... unable to look away from an almanac of local romantic couplings.

Apparently you aren't REALLY in love in New Paltz unless it's plastered all over the girls' bathroom.

That goes for you boys out there too... the biggest branding read "Jimmy hearts Lisa." Surely Lisa wouldn't be so presumptuous as to write that herself (would you, sweetheart?). Now, Jimmy.... those bathroom labels do get hard to read after a few Maudites, so I don't mind you squatting with the squaws – but you better not have held up the line as you rendered that perfect "heart."

Which leads up to my new suspicion that the reason the goddamn girls' line is ALWAYS so long is because people spend HOURS writing these goddamn poopie poems. Filled with rage over this revelation (let's just say I've taken to wearing diapers when I go out) I decided to take down all the names and numbers on there. And no, Trina, I'm not calling "for a good time" — you're paying my stinking dry cleaning bill.

And it doesn't stop at the bathroom line. Do you guys ever wonder why your girl takes so long to get ready? She's tearing the place apart looking for her favorite pink highlighter. God forbid you enter a bar without every bladder-troubled female knowing you're taken. (And judging by the parts NOT covered in graffiti, they certainly ARE bladder-troubled)

By far, my favorite snippet of the wall was "Vote for Stephanie next election. Write her in."
It's so cute when they get political.
No last name mentioned, just "Stephanie." But really, I think everyone SHOULD write that in. Then when "Stephanie" wins, every registered woman with that name can vie for the position in a televised wrestling match. "Last one standing wins Town Clerk seat." I love it ... because really, I don't care about the issues – I just want a representative that can pin a bitch down in some jello.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Love is a choice

While little girls are taught from the earliest of ages to find Prince Charming or to settle for nothing less than their "soul mate," I can't help but wonder if we're setting them up for disaster and inevitable disappointment.

Because maybe love isn't about finding "the one."
Or even "getting lucky" as your desires intertwine with timing and everything feels perfect.

Maybe love is a choice.

Maybe love is choosing what isn't easy over what is.
Maybe love is choosing this grass over that meadow in spite of which side seems greener.

And yet we're taught to never settle, in any capacity. That settling is just the beginning of the end because we deserve better.

But what if we choose to love this life. This moment. This relationship.

We could then decide to sow our present garden. To work the land and plant the things we want in our future instead of coveting what we lost or know we'll never have.

Because if we really choose love...
Who knows how green our grass may become.