Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Is timing everything?

Has anyone ever said to you "I really like you but the timing isn't right." Then proceed to list circumstances of their life that make it "impossible" for you to date?

Like if they say "My job is really demanding ... I don't have time for a relationship" what they're really saying is "I don't WANT to make time for you."


"I just got out of a relationship, I'm not ready to commit" really means they're still looking for something better.


"I love you, but I'm moving to Yemen, and I think the distance is too much" means they are most likely gay and have every episode of 'Friends' memorized.

I've told guys stupid crap like "I'm not interested in dating, I'm going through an asexual phase" which meant "I'm not attracted to you." And, "I need to stop seeing you and make more time for my art." Which is a big smelly load that actually meant, "you aren't doing anything wrong, but I don't have feelings for you anymore."
One time, because nothing else had worked, I told a guy that we had to end it or a giant panda bear would fall from the sky and reak havok on Poughkeepsie ... which translated to, "I would rather be taken away in a straight jacket than have to spend another second with you."

It's hard to tell someone that you aren't interested ... especially when it's "not interested ANYMORE." You blunder around the truth trying not to hurt people anymore than you have to.
So, I think the "time wasn't right rationale is all bullcrap. It isn't about timing - it's about whether or not you care enough about someone to make it work. Where there is true affection, there is a way.


Wraith said...

I've used all kinds of lines to keep people at arm's length:

"I have intimacy issues."
"I'm a recovering addict and I can't even try to be in a relationship for another year."
"My 'roommates' are my parents."
"I'm gay."

When I feel backed into a corner I can make up some crazy $#!+

Chrissie said...

you know... i have to admit i've heard/said some pretty ridiculous things to illustrate how NOT into a relationship one or both of us were.

"i'm crazy, you don't need someone like me in your life."

"i just need this time to work on me."

but that being said, i think that timing is sometimes important to relationships, and whether or not we pursue them.

i've had those moments where i've said to myself, "if only i'd met you 5 years ago, or 5 years from now."

or those moments when you know that no matter how much you want something, the timing just isn't right. perhaps someone else would get hurt now if you give in or maybe you know you're not personally ready for something so serious...

I blogged about this once before.

aka the Ralph Man said...

This is a interesting...

Cause I've actually used these lines when I really felt the complete opposite. I guess it's like a fear of rejection type thing. An I wonder if other people do the same... Here's an example:

So say I'm at a bar an I meet this girl for the first time very attractive obviously single... Probably already been hit on by at least two other guys and probably also has a few "guy friends" which are pretending hoping she gets drunk enough to nail her. Uh, anyway, we start talking an besides being attractive she is actually also cool and interesting... So to make a long story shorter. I say I just got out of a relationship not really looking for anything serious (lies). I might even say something like I just trying to have a good time now an explore my options... which could almost even sound rude at times. However, I don't look desperate and needy I come off confident. In actuality I might have been completly infatuated with this girl but I just didn't wanna let her know that. Then, after getting that stuff out of the way... I go on to tell her all the things I do like about her an what makes her amazing... If shes lucky I might even bend my not looking for anything serious. An my lonely desperate ass is ahead of the game.

It usually works good for a conversation, most probably a phone number, or maybe a drunk one nighter... but then I make the call later probably to early, say something dumb on an message, they realize I am a desperate loser an I'm back to square one. But... I'm not done yet...

Back in the day when I used to express my interest or feel out the relationship thing off the bat I got no where so... uhhh I dunno

Chrissie said...

some good points ralphie...

i think some people tend to make excuses in order to protect themselves. it's easy to say "i'm not looking for anything serious" to appear cool and confident when on the inside you're picking out your wedding colors after meeting someone.

but i think that form of dishonesty does you a disservice in the long run, because instead of something looking at you as a long term possibility, they will remember how you're "not really looking" and you might never know what could have been...

Mohawk said...

I think timing does have something to do with relationships and attraction. You can say the person doesnt want to make something work but really, anyone can make anything work. its just comes down to how uncomfortable they want to be to do so.

there have been plenty of times in my life where i cant accommodate a relationship due to distance or time. its not about effort, its about not being happy with having someone far away. physical proximity and intimacy builds a relationship, it releases hormones and chemicals which are responsible for attachment.

A long distance stint where you have to go away after already establishing a relationship is a little different. unfortunately if a couple is separated to long it will cause a rift.

for example if squeaky and i had met when she was about to embark on a 2 year trek around the globe we wouldnt be where we are now. sure we would have liked each other the same but the timing would be way off. Hell if she had met me when i was 21 it would not have ended up the same as at that time i didnt want to seriously be with anyone.

Where we are physically and mentally any given day dictates who we meet, how long we talk if at all and if what they say is interesting to us. A conversation with me today is far different than a conversation with me when i was 18. With that said, to say timing isnt everything is to seriously over estimate the amount of control one has over their life.

we are all driving down the highway of life at different speeds, sometimes the traffic happens to line things up just right so we travel in sync with another person.

Mario said...

"I'm crazy, you don't need someone like me in your life."

In my experience, if somebody says that to you, you can believe it. And if you find yourself not wanting to believe it, then you'd better believe it.

Sten said...

It's really just a more humorous way of saying "it's not you, it's me."

Chrissie said...

Mario, I completely agree with you. If someone says that RUN! It's not a way of being "cute" when you're not that interested, in my experience it was the best advice anyone could give me.