Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Water closet confessions
As I stood hovering in a graffiti laden stall at Bacchus, I became transfixed ... unable to look away from an almanac of local romantic couplings.
Apparently you aren't REALLY in love in New Paltz unless it's plastered all over the girls' bathroom.
That goes for you boys out there too... the biggest branding read "Jimmy hearts Lisa." Surely Lisa wouldn't be so presumptuous as to write that herself (would you, sweetheart?). Now, Jimmy.... those bathroom labels do get hard to read after a few Maudites, so I don't mind you squatting with the squaws – but you better not have held up the line as you rendered that perfect "heart."
Which leads up to my new suspicion that the reason the goddamn girls' line is ALWAYS so long is because people spend HOURS writing these goddamn poopie poems. Filled with rage over this revelation (let's just say I've taken to wearing diapers when I go out) I decided to take down all the names and numbers on there. And no, Trina, I'm not calling "for a good time" — you're paying my stinking dry cleaning bill.
And it doesn't stop at the bathroom line. Do you guys ever wonder why your girl takes so long to get ready? She's tearing the place apart looking for her favorite pink highlighter. God forbid you enter a bar without every bladder-troubled female knowing you're taken. (And judging by the parts NOT covered in graffiti, they certainly ARE bladder-troubled)
By far, my favorite snippet of the wall was "Vote for Stephanie next election. Write her in."
It's so cute when they get political.
No last name mentioned, just "Stephanie." But really, I think everyone SHOULD write that in. Then when "Stephanie" wins, every registered woman with that name can vie for the position in a televised wrestling match. "Last one standing wins Town Clerk seat." I love it ... because really, I don't care about the issues – I just want a representative that can pin a bitch down in some jello.