Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Water closet confessions


As I stood hovering in a graffiti laden stall at Bacchus, I became transfixed ... unable to look away from an almanac of local romantic couplings.

Apparently you aren't REALLY in love in New Paltz unless it's plastered all over the girls' bathroom.

That goes for you boys out there too... the biggest branding read "Jimmy hearts Lisa." Surely Lisa wouldn't be so presumptuous as to write that herself (would you, sweetheart?). Now, Jimmy.... those bathroom labels do get hard to read after a few Maudites, so I don't mind you squatting with the squaws – but you better not have held up the line as you rendered that perfect "heart."

Which leads up to my new suspicion that the reason the goddamn girls' line is ALWAYS so long is because people spend HOURS writing these goddamn poopie poems. Filled with rage over this revelation (let's just say I've taken to wearing diapers when I go out) I decided to take down all the names and numbers on there. And no, Trina, I'm not calling "for a good time" — you're paying my stinking dry cleaning bill.

And it doesn't stop at the bathroom line. Do you guys ever wonder why your girl takes so long to get ready? She's tearing the place apart looking for her favorite pink highlighter. God forbid you enter a bar without every bladder-troubled female knowing you're taken. (And judging by the parts NOT covered in graffiti, they certainly ARE bladder-troubled)

By far, my favorite snippet of the wall was "Vote for Stephanie next election. Write her in."
It's so cute when they get political.
No last name mentioned, just "Stephanie." But really, I think everyone SHOULD write that in. Then when "Stephanie" wins, every registered woman with that name can vie for the position in a televised wrestling match. "Last one standing wins Town Clerk seat." I love it ... because really, I don't care about the issues – I just want a representative that can pin a bitch down in some jello.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

*inhales* *exhales* What's that? Oh yeah, a breath of fresh air.

Sten said...

I think that's my stinky diaper. ;)

I really do wonder though ... what is this desire to declare your "love" while hovering over a toilet?

Colin said...

"what is this desire to declare your "love" while hovering over a toilet?" I could make a joke here, but I won't.

Seriously though, you're drunk, you're in the bathroom, it's taking a while, what else are you going to do? I personally feel that the diary or journal wasn't the predecessor to the "blog" but rather the bathroom stall. After all, journals and diaries tend to be secretive, writing your feelings on the bathroom stall is about as close to internet anonymity and infamy as you can get without a computer.

Sten said...

Maybe it's a public service then ... we should all be aware of who gets "feelings of romance" while going the the bathroom.

Zee said...

I'm just impressed so many people have the foresight to bring a marker with them when they shit... I can't tell you the all the times I have thought of a zany limerick or a perquackity one-liner worthy of Steven Wright, only to have to let it go the way of the ages because I forgot to bring my poop marker...

Wraith said...

what happened to the limericks? all my unpaid research for naught.

you're right though if i was going to declare my love it would be somewhere classy. like an overpass

Colin said...

I think Jeff Foxworthy has written a couple of jokes about that type of love there Wraith.

As for who brings a marker with them to the bathroom. Women have all kinds of things in those mystery bags they like to call purses. Personally I usually have a sharpie on my person because I use a marker rather regularly in my profession. From what I gather however, the juiciest gossip is in the women's room. Men's rooms tend to just be covered in poor mockeries of the male phallus.

And Sten, I know a lot of people who have gotten "romantic" to some degree in a restroom (private or public). What's wrong with that? Maybe it was just so good that they felt the need to tell the world.

Sten said...

You got me there, Colin.

Wraith - I think a couple limericks were on display ... that's what I call "poopie poetry"

Mohawk said...

i dont shit in pubic restrooms... except for 6 emergency evacuations over the course of my life (yea i remember each time).

that being said i have to cover the fact that im not normal by going into restrooms every now and again and feigning a movement. aside from making noises and dropping various items into the bowl to add realism it gets quite boring. thats when i break out the trusty sharpee and compose my shit house sonnets.

i have also dabbled in drawing an arrow pointing from someones name to a cleverly written "is gay"

of course whenever i decide to change it up and head into the ladies room i always make sure i bring loose leaf paper to write a note for the comment boxes located in each stall.

my question is, when are these establishments going to get with the times and install LCD screen walls in their bathrooms so i can text my message to the wall?

aka the Ralph Man said...

In my college dorm there was this one stall that was covered in scribble. Then one day it all got painted over by the college. Not long after someone "Moron" or "-> Idiot" or "the Beast Master" drew a huge detailed picture of a girl getting head from a dog... it looked kind of like a Golden Retriever... from there on that's what all the discussion was about Pro's, Con's, Praise, Hate... awe I miss those days