Friday, April 3, 2009

Tic toc

There is a huge epidemic that is being ignored. Apparently women over 25 develop time-keeping growths in their uterus... yet there is no surgical help available to these poor women.

Horrific I know.

Imagine walking around like you have a clock ticking in your core ... you can't sleep... can't even think over the endless clicks every second. And the worst part? I'm 28 ... so I MUST have one, but I don't feel it at all!

Why don't I hear it like so many of my friends? Maybe it's drowned out by the time bomb in my lungs, or the miniature Sumo wrestler bouncing on the scotch-filled water balloon that is my liver.

This is all new to me ... so I don't really understand how it works... except that I have a certain amount of time to get married and have children until ... um... well ... that part is fuzzy.

What is the countdown for exactly? Infertility? The magical time when I finally won't look like a crime scene once a month? Cause I'm not sure why women dread that. I guess the next time I'm doubled-over in crampy pain I should praise the lord for punishing me for being a constant sin-encourager to weak-willed men.

Poor dears. I am an evil temptress.

And really, if you want offspring so badly after your clock runs out of batteries you can always adopt. There are starving children in Connecticut in desperate need of a home where you can purchase beer after 8:00 at night.
Talk about being against a clock.


Chrissie said...

I love this.

Sten said...

I guess you're immune as well... thank goodness. Imagine if we were both sitting in the office ticking all day?

Chrissie said...

Ha! I think this blog would take on a much different tone if we were so "aware of the time."

And I think there are perks to being both an "older parent" and a "younger parent" so I'm not too concerned. (Especially since I feel that there is also a perk to not being a parent at all.

Wraith said...

biological clock: bah
Connecticut children: bah
weak willed: bah

Zee said...

This is my FAVORITE BLOG EVER! Every sentence is a zinger. You are hilarious!!!!!

Thomas G Henry said...

for those that want kids though, there are health risks associated with having kids after 35... health risks like.. increased likelihood of death.

Thomas G Henry said...


"There was an excess risk of death for women 35 years and older regardless of parity, time of entry into prenatal care, and level of education."