Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's that time of year again...

They've already moved the slippers out of the store windows and have replaced them with sports bras and jogging suits. Where only days ago you were tempted by truffles and cookies coated in butter cream frosting, now you will be bombarded with the latest diet foods and Jillian Michael's manly face coaxing you to buy her latest DVD.

And, like any other year... I feel compelled to resolve... something.

But as I try to remember last year's resolution, or the years that came before, I feel less festive and more like a failure.

Because it seems that the only thing I can actually commit to is to be non-committal.

Here's all the resolutions that never were...

1. Lose 10 lbs
Um. Lost 8, gained 6, total weight loss: 2 lbs.

2. Drink 8 glasses of water everyday!
My days usually consist of 2 cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine plus one or two sips of actual water at 2 am when the caffeine and alcohol begin to dehydrate me.

3. Go to the gym 3 times a week
I went, ONCE in 2009. Yep. Last January. They wanted to charge me 10 bucks because my debit card (with which I automatically pay them) was stolen after the 10th of the month. "All changes must be made before the 10th." But, it was STOLEN? Apparently, that doesn't matter. In order to show them who was boss, I've neglected my body in defiance.

4. Stop procrastinating
I started this blog post, LAST week, and am just finishing it now. Enough said.

5. Don't be so hard on yourself
Blogging about all the things I haven't accomplished in 2009 rather than the things I have, proves right here and now that I've failed at this one.

What do you resolve to NOT resolve this year?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry HIM

1. He drinks too much.
If you find yourself making excuses for the frequency of his "guys nights" or give him ultimatums before every event with an open bar, it may be time to reconsider.

2. He made you wait, and wait, and wait.
If he dated you for a decade and then some before popping the question, chances are he was still looking for "the one." Instead of finding her, he decided to propose to "the womb" instead.

3. He's your polar opposite.
Sure, opposites attract, but that does n't mean they should get married. Sooner or later his yin will begin to bother your yang. A gal can only take so many ballroom dancing lessons while her man is playing Wii before she finds a better suited partner.

4. He's your EX boyfriend as well as your CURRENT boyfriend.
If your relationship history is as rocky as the ice cream with which you sooth your break up wounds, then it may be time to reconsider. Breaking up is hard to do, but getting back together afterward is the easy way of dealing with it. You can't meet someone great if you're holding on to someone who isn't.

5. He has mommy issues.
Whether mommy made his bed until 38 or mommy left at 13, it has always been true that you can judge a man by the way he treats his mother. If they don't speak, determine WHY before he is giving YOU the silent treatment.

6. He calls other women bad names.
If his nickname for his boss starts with a B and ends with an itch and he thinks all women are gold diggers, take some more time before becoming his permanent verbal punching bag.

7. He is mean to your cat.
Mr. Whiskers is important to you, small, and sometimes spills milk or makes a mess of his 'potty.' If your man can't handle that without yelling, rolling his eyes, or making YOU clean up the mess by yourself, then just think of how he'll be with the little HUMAN additions to your family who put Mr. Whisker's bad traits to shame.

8. He hates your friends.
You. Will. Need. Your. Friends. (Especially while you're married). If he hates them now, and makes excuses as to why they're not good enough for you, then watch out. Before you know it all of his opinions will blend with your own and you just might lose yourself (and your friends) in exchange for a marriage with him (and only that).

9. He cheated on you before.
The idea 'once a cheater, always a cheater,' might not always ring true. But you can almost guarantee that if he cheated ON YOU before, it was evidence of a lack of respect for your relationship. What's to prevent him from doing it again?

10. Your friends hate him.
We will all always have one or two friends who think "no one is good enough" for us. But if ALL of the people who care about us wish we'd find someone better, it might be time to give the relationship a once over. Because while no one is "good enough for Daddy's little girl," that doesn't mean we don't deserve someone GOOD for us at all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Hook Up How To

So you don't want a REAL boyfriend or girlfriend, or you don't want your REAL boyfriend or girlfriend to find out about your IN-significant other?

Then follow the rules of our hook up culture and make sure no one gets hurt in the process...

1. Cuddling is not allowed.
Oxytocin is the CUDDLE hormone. And its effect on the human body (especially the lonely human body) is not something to disregard. Cuddling can turn a nasty jerk into a potential "soul mate" if it's done on the regular. If you want to keep your cake on the side and eat it too, stop the snuggle fest and get up to get that glass of water VERY QUICKLY.

2. Dates are not allowed.
If you choose to USE another human being, taking them out for lobster afterward is not an option. Sure, everyone has got to eat, but unless you want your hook up thinking they're something more, continue with the single servings sans confusion.

3. Gifts are not allowed.
Anything that does not fit in your wallet and come in various colors cannot be purchased and given to one another. Period. Gifts imply feelings, feelings imply future.

4. Friends do not include "benefits."
Ah, the dream of the successful FWB situation. Why not share everything with your friend and not attach any strings?!?! Well, because if you're friends who do everything together, you should be dating, for real. If you don't believe me, just ask your Best-Friend-With-Benefits what they think... Oh! That's right. You don't talk to them anymore, do you?

5. Falling IN LOVE is possible (even for you).
If you're under the impression that you've got it all under control because you've found the PERFECT in-significant other then GET. OUT. NOW. Soon, their perfectly acceptable stance on babies and your mutual love for lobster and snuggling will win you over. And OVER will also be your player lifestyle. Because in the end, you can't actually like your hookup more than say... you're new IPOD touch or Playboy subscription.

As a gal whose significant other "put a ring on it" this post is not in anyway related to my current lifestyle. Instead, it's a tribute to my single-and-loving-it friends who still find time to lament about why he/she did or didn't call and get to decorate every single room in their homes exactly how they want to.

Monday, December 7, 2009

That Girl

The kind of women that give other women a bad name...

1. The Liars
I'm talking, pathological. The type of girl who tells stories about being attacked or mugged when it never happened. All of that crying wolf makes our real-life tragedies harder to believe.

2. The "Other" Women
Sure, she may love him, but she should love herself (and other women) enough to tell him no until he's actually single.

3. The Hypocrite
The girl who hates you for sharing her secrets (regardless of your intentions) in spite of the fact that she not only told people yours, but she told the very people who may never forget.

4. The Eternal Child
No one wants to date the 20-something girl who still asks mommy and daddy for money for her toiletries. This one gives other women a bad name by refusing to support herself during her single years because men are afraid she just wants THEM to support her when her parents are finally finished.

5. The Drama Queen
She spies, she lies, and she conjures up excitement because her life is oh-so-boring without it.

6. The Psycho
Guys LOVE to call women "psycho" every time they suspect cheating or feel neglected. But the REAL psycho girls (who ALWAYS feel neglected and ALWAYS think their partners are cheating) make it very difficult for normal girls under stress to live this insult down.

7. The Facebook-Friend-Deleter
She's the girl who gets mad at you, but never actually confronts you. Instead, she decides to delete you from her online friends list as some sort of modern day defiance. Unfortunately you will never know what you did in order to ask for forgiveness and she just looks pathetic in the process.

8. The Entitled Chick
You know the one... it's the girl who thinks you OWE her because she is after all, still breathing.

9. The TMI-Twit-Her
No one wants to be around the girl who tweets her bowel movements and basal cell temperature. Her unrated tales are hard to follow (at least without a lil' bit of bile in your mouth).

10. The Blog-Her
The girl who uses her public blog as a means of outing all of her least favorite people without actually having to use their names. She's also the one who disses guys after first dates, tells you your man is probably cheating and asks you to forgive hers for doing it all in the same post.

What type of girl do you think sets the rest of us back a few decades?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Older Man

Dating an older (slightly) man can be very exciting in the beginning. You get to enjoy all the benefits of a boyfriend, without all the complexities that the usual 20-something male is suffering through.

You get to date a guy whose quarter-life-crisis is over, a guy who dated enough to know that he wants YOU and no one else.

And while it's great in the beginning, finding permanent balance with an older man can make things tricky after a while.

The 25-35 ratio doesn't cause too much friction, after all, you're both adults but not too set in your ways to not make a go of it.

But, only 5 years later, you may find yourself in a different situation.

One where you want to go back to grad school, and he wants children. He's 40 after all, how much longer can you make him wait?

Or perhaps, he was 35 and single, because he never wanted kids anyway, and now at 30, your biological clock is ticking away and your partner is nearing middle age and has no interest in starting a family.

The funny thing with a 10-year age gap however, is that just when things get complicated, you meet again, in a similar place. 45 and 55 finds you with similar wants and desires, early retirement, both slightly wrinkled and content to spend more time at home than out on the town, so you can relax again.

And stop growing up together, while simply growing old together instead.

Do you think there is ever an age-gap that is too big to tackle?