Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Hook Up How To

So you don't want a REAL boyfriend or girlfriend, or you don't want your REAL boyfriend or girlfriend to find out about your IN-significant other?

Then follow the rules of our hook up culture and make sure no one gets hurt in the process...


1. Cuddling is not allowed.
Oxytocin is the CUDDLE hormone. And its effect on the human body (especially the lonely human body) is not something to disregard. Cuddling can turn a nasty jerk into a potential "soul mate" if it's done on the regular. If you want to keep your cake on the side and eat it too, stop the snuggle fest and get up to get that glass of water VERY QUICKLY.

2. Dates are not allowed.
If you choose to USE another human being, taking them out for lobster afterward is not an option. Sure, everyone has got to eat, but unless you want your hook up thinking they're something more, continue with the single servings sans confusion.

3. Gifts are not allowed.
Anything that does not fit in your wallet and come in various colors cannot be purchased and given to one another. Period. Gifts imply feelings, feelings imply future.

4. Friends do not include "benefits."
Ah, the dream of the successful FWB situation. Why not share everything with your friend and not attach any strings?!?! Well, because if you're friends who do everything together, you should be dating, for real. If you don't believe me, just ask your Best-Friend-With-Benefits what they think... Oh! That's right. You don't talk to them anymore, do you?

5. Falling IN LOVE is possible (even for you).
If you're under the impression that you've got it all under control because you've found the PERFECT in-significant other then GET. OUT. NOW. Soon, their perfectly acceptable stance on babies and your mutual love for lobster and snuggling will win you over. And OVER will also be your player lifestyle. Because in the end, you can't actually like your hookup more than say... you're new IPOD touch or Playboy subscription.








***OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER***
As a gal whose significant other "put a ring on it" this post is not in anyway related to my current lifestyle. Instead, it's a tribute to my single-and-loving-it friends who still find time to lament about why he/she did or didn't call and get to decorate every single room in their homes exactly how they want to.

2 comments:

nXBf said...

I think it can be done, snuggling, dates, and all. Love isn't inevitable. And, even if love does wander in, it doesn't have to be destructive. So long as one honors one's word and respects everyone involved (in deed, not just in spirit), one can find the perpetual fountain of cake.

Chrissie Williams said...

you "think" it can be done... sure.

but where is the evidence to back up what you think?