Monday, April 26, 2010

Love sick

Few moments in our ordinary lives can make us feel as lonely as when we're sick and single.

I can remember the late night trips for over the counter meds that were pointless anyway, stocking my cart with orange juice and vitamins, and sneezing ever so un-gently into my pile of crumpled bills before handing them off to the mortified cashier.

I can remember lugging it all back into my tiny apartment, and passing out more from the exhaustion than the NyQuil itself, realizing again how sometimes it just sucks to be alone.

It was a time of 3 a.m. fevers consoled only by the lamp on my nightstand and hair not-held while I bent over the seat usually reserved for just sitting.

Sore necks were soothed with ibuprofen and vodka on the rocks, not massages and heating pads fresh from the microwave.

Sickness was a time of self-medicating and hoping.
Hoping that it would pass quickly, without much fuss, and that I would not be forced to beg the next man who smiled at me to be my partner and my hospice nurse.

And when I finally found someone worth keeping, someone who promised to be there when I'm at my worst, I find I am only reminded of these things when I no longer am forced to suffer through them.

Instead of lonely nights spent sick in solitude, I think of them when I experience the opposite.

When sickness is not a reminder of loneliness, but of feeling loved instead.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The do-ing

I've been haunted in almost every long-term-ish relationship with one cringe-worthy phrase.

"What do you want to do?"

I appreciate the gesture, I understand that these words are uttered in order to make me happy, and the people responsible for the question are just taking my feelings into account.

But I can't help but silently scream each time I'm asked, each time my preferences become paramount and I'm forced to decide what "we" will be doing for the next few hours.

I could be honest and say, "I'd like YOU to invite me to do SOMETHING like you used to."

Because relationships don't begin with this phrase, they begin with offers for dates.

I can remember an abundance of "Would you like to go out to dinner at X,Y,Z tonight?" type-of-questions. I was asked whether or not I wanted to see a specific movie, not a movie at all.

It was a time when dates were set times and places, not a burden of opportunities that sometimes take more effort than they're worth.

My silent screams say things like... "Woo-me." "You should know what I like, it's been YEARS after all!" "Buy me dinner or take me to Dairy Queen even though you're on a diet!"

But I know that on the inside, I'm a spoiled brat, and so I don't say these things.

Instead, I go through the lists upon lists of things we could do, and by the time I've weighed the pros and cons of all of them, the only thing I want to do, is take a nap.

And so I wonder what the appropriate answer is...

When all I want to do is sarcastically say, "Well, how about some OPTIONS?"

Because in the end it's not necessarily sweet and doting that I'm asked what I want to do.

Part of me wonders if it's just lazy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Baby talk

Last year, it was all weddings and white dresses.

My, how quickly things change.

It seems that suddenly my circle of friends will be welcoming BABIES into the equation.

No more Martinis + Expletives = Fun.

Instead, we will be oo-ing and ah-ing over baby bits, nibbling on tiny toes instead of tapas and declining that second mimosa in favor of "just OJ" in its place.

And where I once thought I'd be mortified at the idea of BABIES DURING BRUNCH I've suddenly warmed up to the idea.

We will have something new to obsess about rather than our wedding plans or old flames. We will likely get together earlier, allowing for more PRIME TIME TV and hours of sleep that alluded us in our early 20's.

Midnight will become THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT rather than the beginning and we will all finally have someone to talk about in a good way.

"Did you hear about Emily?"
"NO! What's she up to?!"
"Oh my god I had NO IDEA!"

And so along with my fast-er metabolism and wrinkle-free face, I say goodbye to our old way of celebrating womanhood and welcome the new.

Because nothing will make us feel more empowered than realizing that our bodies are capable of housing tiny human beings, little people who finally prove we're all grown up.