Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wedding Wants

I'm the sort of gal who weighs the pros and cons of each and every purchase.

Short of fresh produce, I check the prices on most things at least 5 times, stare at new tops longingly from afar as I wait for sale prices, and my most frequented Google search is for

PRINTABLE COUPONS.

So just imagine then, how it felt to find myself planning a wedding.

For nearly two years, I flashed my engagement ring and declared we had yet to set the date because we couldn't "make up our minds."

When in reality, each budget discussion caused minor panic, and there was always something better to buy, something I could enjoy for longer than one day, and so the planning never amounted to much.

At least until I had a bit of an epiphany...

After a particularly lovely birthday, where instead of listening to me, my friends and family had flowers sent to the house, left long voicemails full of birthday songs and well-wishes, and purchased gifts I considered far-too luxurious, I realized that I've never really celebrated me before.

(I know, I know, it's about "us" but there is at least 1/2 "me" in there too.)

Honestly, never.

I always hoped no one would fuss over my birthday, I had pizza and beer after my college graduation, and I think we toasted our engagement over a meal supplied by Darden Corporation.

It was just the way I always did it, insisting that nothing was really a "big deal" if it involved me, my accomplishments, or my happiness.

It was always easier to fend off disappointment that way.
Without the party the cake would never be overcooked and without a real wedding only the imaginary one would need to meet my expectations.

But instead of fearing disappointment and letting it dictate my plans, I think I'll have more luck fending off regret instead.

I regret the lackluster graduation party, I regret forgoing the engagement party, and I regret all of the opportunities where I should have celebrated my successes instead of hiding them behind a cynical smile.

So instead of pretending I don't want a wedding at all, I'm finally committing to a new reality, one where actually...

I DO.

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