Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Now Whats

For much of my past I had a clear goal in mind.

The 5-year-old me wanted to learn to read, the middle-school me wanted to be high-school-me and the high-school-me longed for college.

After a few acceptance letters and a choice, it was then a typical goal: graduation.

Then the job search began. Goal: Journalism industry.

Annnnd. Done.

With the "learning and job" thing under control, I focused on finding a man.

After far too many ups and downs and a slew of losers I'm embarrassed to wave to now, I found that too.

Man. Check.
Marriage. Check.
House. Check.
Job. Check.
Health insurance. Check.

And then came the crushing feeling of wondering... what now?

With my focus no longer on what I could change on the outside to be "happier" I was suddenly left with only me.

Me. Living a life I thought I wanted. A life I worked for. A life "accomplished."

But instead of feeling fulfilled and finally happy, I'm consumed with the urge to push forward, toward something, something more, something different.

The only goal now - is change.

3 comments:

Chrissie Williams said...

can you relate to the feeling of "now what?"

do you sometimes think you set your goals too low rather than too high?

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh the "now what's?" Do I do what is expected next? Have I done everything that's expected? I do sometimes wish I had set my goals a little higher for myself, because now I find myself pondering the "what if's?"

Chrissie Williams said...

hi anono -

i think the what ifs are inevitable no matter what path we choose.

i still wonder "what if" i had gone to any of the three further away colleges i was accepted to instead of two local ones...

it's funny how that one decision paved the way for so many things to come.