The Odd Blog

Everything is copy

2012-01-12T16:40:00.002-05:00

The dental assistant ventured into the waiting room.

"Chrissie?" she called from across the way, "Chrissie?"

"Right here" I replied as I walked up, following her into the examination room.

It seemed she wanted to make conversation for our 11-step journey and I figured it couldn't hurt anymore than the impending dental work.

"Did I have that right? You go by 'Chrissie'?"

"Yes, always have, never Christina."

"Ah, okay. When I read the name, I was expecting to see a child."

"Nope, umm... just me. It's my name."

"Yeah, obviously, you're not a child... so I was just confused at first."

"No problem, it's my name."

"Okay good, because, when I said it I didn't want to offend you or anything."

Sure lady. No offense taken. I'm not offended that you think my name is an insult, at all.

After all, I'm obviously a grown up. I can take it.

Vacation's promise

2012-01-10T16:11:00.000-05:00

I didn't miss "home." Not at all.

The things I would want, had I decided to stay could have been packed in one box, the rest of it sold. I would have used the cash earned to pay for a place to stay, leaving behind a house with a mortgage in the town we could afford rather than the town we wanted to live in, exchanging it for a small apartment where we could eat pasta while sitting on pillows near the coffee table, drinking wine from mason jars because it was too expensive to ship the ones we'd leave behind.

We could start over, turning dreams into reality and then creating new dreams in their wake, reinventing ourselves, reevaluating our former selves, saying goodbye as eagerly as we would greet new friends.

I'd become less connected to those not around me and more connected to those I can see, touch, hear, feel.

I would make time for the sun everyday. Yoga would be the thing I "do" rather than the thing I "did" before. I would acknowledge that work was something that allowed me to have certain things, but it would not define me or my goals.

Covered in new freckles unearthed by a sun strong enough to fill life's shadows, I longed to stay.

But I was afraid to tell him how I felt as we left our temporary paradise, that I loved our former life until I saw what we could be in a new one, a life of warm breezes and sunshine, a life where the tiny lines on his furrowed brow disappeared and we laughed more. I was afraid he'd wonder why he married me, why we had bought a house here, why we had begun to sink our roots into ground I longed to leave.

And yet, instead of harboring my secret and accepting reality when we were back, he looked to me, brow furrowed and said, "I know exactly what you mean."

Your so-called life

2011-12-22T13:14:00.000-05:00

Social networking is great for a lot of things, catching up with old friends, cyber-stalking your ex, or keeping family/friends informed of big life changes or good times.

But what I don't understand are the frequent updates that fall somewhere outside the lines of information and well within the boundaries of bragging.

You see... I think it's great that you love your husband "so so much" and I'm sure he thinks so too.

But well... I don't need to know each and every time he kisses you goodbye or brings you to a restaurant. Its the virtual version of PDAs.

If you consider your uncle Randy reading about how romantic Mr. Right is - does it not make you feel somewhat strange? Is it all that unlike kissing in the movie theater (with tongue) before the lights go down?

And next comes the question, what are you trying to prove to all your "friends," that your relationship is better than theirs? That you're oh-so-happy while on your dinner date that you're updating Facebook with mobile shots of your entree?

I don't know, but the last time I had a great meal with my man, I was too busy chatting, laughing, and old-person flirting to whip out my cell and update my status.

Sure, if everyone dredged up my updates, I'm sure there would be a brag or two, a senseless bit of self promotion, but at the end of the day, you don't know the minute to minute that my life, or my love brought to the table.

And when I know the ins and outs of your relationship, some years since I've seen you in real life, I can't help but wonder if its all a facade... Where you project the perfect relationship in an attempt to validate your current situation. One where the best things about dinner aren't the conversation or the company, but the price of the entree instead.

Its not you, it's me

2011-11-03T12:36:00.004-04:00

Hindsight offers us the advantage of blaming our exes for almost anything -- they are the reason the relationship failed, and only when we're feeling really kind, might we admit to it being "a compatibility thing."

The latter lets us believe that what ruined that relationship won't find itself in our new and improved union, so we ignore signs that certain problems always resurface, regardless of who we are with.

Some might have to do with our unchanging expectations or even our love of "bad boys" rather than "nice guys."

But every once in awhile we have to admit, that the issue is our own.
The reason the present feels suddenly just like the past is no one's fault but the person who happened to exist in both realities, us.

When realizing this, we might want to run away (again) and place blame elsewhere or ignore the situation because "that worked so well the last time."

But I think the reason some relationships succeed and others don't has less to do with the amount of love or lust found within them and more about our own ability to acknowledge problems while CHOOSING to move in a positive direction instead of fleeing.

It's about realizing we might be a little bit crazy after all, that we're probably hard to deal with after a long day at work, that we might be a little too needy or not quite affectionate enough.

As we find ourselves loving in mature relationships, wherein we know our faults and our partner's faults, it becomes easier to stay, easier to forgive, and easier to accept nothing is ever perfect.

This acknowledgment doesn't have to undermine our current relationship, the one worth staying for, but instead lets us accept that the past isn't necessarily riddled with bad people but maybe just bad choices and timing.

Because sometimes I have to admit, it wasn't him, or him, or him, or even us... it was me.

What patterns haunt your relationships and do you ever want to say you're sorry?

Chapter what

2011-09-28T13:56:00.002-04:00

"Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over again." - Mason Cooley

I saw the above quote in the book "Lust: A Dictionary for the Insatiable" (Don't ask... it's part of the Deadly Dictionary series).

And I. Liked. It.

Not because it glamorized my latest avenue of holy matrimony, but because it was honest, at least somewhat, about the reality of our choices.

Starting a new book is exciting, choosing it from the shelves and stacks at B&N comes with its own flirtation, and after looking over a few, we settle on what seems most alluring and most in tune with how we're feeling at that moment.

But where is the fun in reading only the first page? If the book is incredible, don't we want to continue reading? I've been guilty of reading the first chapter before moving on, does this simply make me a serial monogamist? Is the first chapter the equivalent of a 3-month relationship?

When it comes to re-reading the same book, over and over, of that I am guilty. There's a handful of books I love so much that opening them up for another round is like visiting an old friend and I sometimes find quotes and tidbits stand out to me more depending the place I'm in as a reader.

Does that make me someone who pines over lost loves? Or does it simply make me an avid reader?

Chime in - do you prefer to read the first page of many books or is it better to reread and rediscover the same book time and time again?

Art camp

2011-06-30T14:31:00.006-04:00

My (almost) 15-year-old sister will be venturing to art camp for the month of July where I'm sure she'll impress everyone with her skills and enjoy being away from home for weeks on end, without any parents to bicker or complain.

But man - I'm worried.

Not because I don't trust her judgment or her abilities, but because I don't trust anyone else.

She's the cutest, smartest, cutest, smartest 15-year-old ever.

You know that awkward phase we all go through? Where our bras are like cotton hangers and our complexion is pimpled while greasy bangs fall in our faces?

Yeah. She skipped that phase.

She's tall and lean, smart and witty.

Wishing her well in the coming adventure is a given, but I certainly hope all the stories I've heard about adolescents and summer camp aren't necessarily true.

I cried during her high school play like a 9o-year-old grandma who would never step foot in an auditorium again. I celebrate her birthday with tears while whimpering "when you were little..." far too many times.

So we're just going to file this one under... "Reasons I'm not a mom yet."

Because loving little people hurts.

PHOTO: 2006 - When "Build A Bear "was still cool

Change

2011-06-24T16:37:00.001-04:00

I don't think I've had a mushroom in at least three years.

Nope, not one.

Every entree is ordered "without mushrooms" and steaks are served with onions but never the typical squishy counterpart, but not because I don't like mushrooms.

It's because he doesn't.

He doesn't like the thought of them, the look of them, or at worst, the taste of them - at all.

And as someone who has a particular aversion to certain kinds of fish, I can appreciate the idea that some foods just don't do it for us.

But after looking through old photos, I realized my life, when looked at through a particular lens, can be seen as a series of relationships dictating my actions.

Wanting to please, be supportive, remain appreciative, I've let certain aspects of my personality falter, remaining sweet on days when its only venom I seem to taste.

For whatever reason, I fear being "that wife." That wife who bickers and complains about household chores, that wife who rushes from wedding to baby planning, that wife who gives him a hard time about... well... essentially him being him.

And so I wonder why, since I'm so in tune with how HE FEELS, why I don't spend more time being HONEST with how I FEEL.

Because sometimes, dammit, I want mushrooms

The Now Whats

2011-06-16T10:52:00.003-04:00

For much of my past I had a clear goal in mind.

The 5-year-old me wanted to learn to read, the middle-school me wanted to be high-school-me and the high-school-me longed for college.

After a few acceptance letters and a choice, it was then a typical goal: graduation.

Then the job search began. Goal: Journalism industry.

Annnnd. Done.

With the "learning and job" thing under control, I focused on finding a man.

After far too many ups and downs and a slew of losers I'm embarrassed to wave to now, I found that too.

Man. Check.
Marriage. Check.
House. Check.
Job. Check.
Health insurance. Check.

And then came the crushing feeling of wondering... what now?

With my focus no longer on what I could change on the outside to be "happier" I was suddenly left with only me.

Me. Living a life I thought I wanted. A life I worked for. A life "accomplished."

But instead of feeling fulfilled and finally happy, I'm consumed with the urge to push forward, toward something, something more, something different.

The only goal now - is change.

So over

2011-04-22T11:13:00.002-04:00

After stumbling upon the website "ItWasOverWhen.com" I couldn't help but create my own lists of all those times I knew I was finished, even if the relationship took a bit longer to finally fizzle out.

I knew it was over when...

He was upset that I had other plans. To stay home. Alone. And take a bath. After doing everything together for far too long, that was just too much.

He wore the same shirt for three days straight.

I uttered the phrase "He's nice, he's just not smart enough for me."

He insulted my body to another man in the hopes that it would help "keep me safe from that guy's advances."

He thought "Beer Wars" was the best movie ever. Seriously. BEST MOVIE?!

He declined a picnic for "fear of bugs." (Real Man = Not-Afraid-Of-Ants.)

He said - "You don't need a guy like me, I'm crazy." And. Meant. It.

Your turn:

When did you KNOW he/she was not the one?

Come here often?

2011-03-02T10:43:00.004-05:00

Nearly all of my single friends in their late twenties and early thirties are members of some sort of online dating service.

And while I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with online dating, it's a practice I could never get behind successfully while I was single.

I joined at least one site for all of 2 weeks and realized I had little interest in maintaining an account while fighting off advances from men who were decades beyond my "desired age bracket." The few worthy suitors who approached me ended up being evidently crazy -- as I was too busy with real life to catch up with virtual friends.

After hours of discussion with those still in the throes of Cupid's web of dating options, I think I finally realized why it all felt so awkward...

Starting a conversation in person means seeing someone of interest and commentating on what immediately strikes you.

Nice hair, eyes, smile, laugh, shoes, drink choice.

But with online dating, you're immediately armed with too much information about your love interest, from their astrological sign, favorite food, favorite book, movie, and beyond...

With all of the typical newly-dating questions have been answered, what is left to talk about?

It's likely you already know how they prefer their eggs in the morning.
Not because you've had the pleasure of making them after a long night, but because they told you and everyone else who can view their profile.

And so I wonder... how does one begin a conversation successfully in the online dating world where a person exists not as a three dimensional mystery but rather an entry in love's modern encyclopedia?

It seems the "I like your profile, you sound interesting" approach is likely to get old fast...

Consequently you must come up with something original, something thought provoking, something that gives your most flattering photo a leg up.

Because instead of being "the hot one" in a bar full of unemployed alcoholics, you're just one of many on the world wide web... where the competition is as endless as your search parameters.

Mrs. Peter Pan

2011-02-16T12:46:00.003-05:00

(cue Peter Pan's "i won't grow up" song NOW)

OH ODD BLOG HOW I'VE MISSED YOU.

Seriously. I have.

I thought with the departure of two odd blog writers, the conversion to a just-me based conversation, and becoming a married woman indicated it was time to possibly retire this blog.

But a quick look through the drafts section proves me wrong. I know it's been months since I wrote a thing, and there was a medical emergency hiatus in the months of September through December where I failed to write, but when I re-emerged with relationship questions/advice plenty of readers were there to comment and encourage a come back.

Only after realizing I have little interest in writing about all things homemaker did I acknowledge how badly I missed the "me" who wrote for this blog. The "me" with a voice far too brassy for elegant conversation, the me who wears 4 inch platform heels rather than an apron.

AND SO: I'm back. At least... I think maybe. (cue Justin Timberlake or... maybe not.)

What I need is some help from you readers. Comment below and tell me your favorite posts, what you miss, and what topics you want to hear about. I want to think of this as a transition rather than an end...

Of course, no one wants to be the last to leave the party...

But if my memory serves me correct, leaving first means you miss all the fun.

<3

THE ODD RESPONSE - Name change after marriage

2010-12-15T11:28:00.002-05:00

Bride-To-Be recently asked...

I'm currently engaged (to be married 2011) and I started thinking about my last name. Traditionally, the wife takes the husbands last name. However; I am not really what you'd call traditional in any way and am worrying (maybe to much) about the message that taking it really has. I don't really feel that names are all that important..its the people attached to them that matter the most (a rose by any other name..) but its MY name. I feel sort of weird having to give it up. Also.. I want to bring my future children up in a household where men and women are treated equally (a safe-haven from the outside world where that is not the case).

What kind of message would be taking my future husband's name send to my future daughters? Sometimes I think I'm thinking too much about this and my thoughts get all jumbled together.

Its just a name... I guess its just one of those things where I feel like its unfair towards the woman. Why does she have to be the one to give up her name? Who decided that the son is the one who is to carry on family names, you know?

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do yet but I'd love some perspective. Will it even matter 20 years down the line?

Dear Bride-To-Be,

I know very well what it feels like to be "nontraditional" and yet still at the mercy of societal expectation. As brides we're expected to want it all, frilly white ball gowns to chocolate fountains, letterpress invites and a limitless budget. And at the end of the day, we're supposed to be excited about "taking his name" and all it entails. We feel as though we're supposed to enjoy our new signature as much as we adored scribbling our crushes name next to ours in 8th grade.

But at the end of the wedding day, at the end of the engagement, and on the cusp of marriage, changing our name might feel like "too much."

After all, we changed our marital status, our w-4s at work, and our lifestyle for him... for the marriage and in light of all the newness, giving up yet another aspect of our identity feels like a huge sacrifice.

Some people may say "it's just a name." But I don't agree, it's part of our known self, part of the person we became, part of the person he fell in love with. It's more than just a word, it's the last name of our parents, it's our lineage.

As women who seem to be getting married later and later, it's also our professional self, our pen name, our work experience all rolled into a name we've gone by for as long as we can remember.

And so to answer your first question, I don't think you're over-thinking this. I tend to think most people under-think it, they don't question why we do these things in our society and so they follow blindly with what is "usually" done without considering the outcome. Here's some general info on what global name-changing practices are from Wikipedia. Oddly enough, some of the areas considered to be less concerned with equality are the areas in which women usually retain their maiden names.

But I applaud you, for going against the grain and questioning your personal motives, your future-husband's, and the outcome it may have for your family.

Pay close attention to your wording when you think about this, as you asked...
"I feel sort of weird having to give it up."

I think this feeling of "giving it up" is a normal gut response. It feels like something is being taken from you. But I think when we open our minds a little broader, we might find rather than surrendering our former name, we're instead gaining a new one. And that is actually pretty cool, it's a fresh start and a symbol to those around us that we've entered a new stage in our lives, where we're building a family out of choice rather than the one we were given at birth.

You then mentioned...

Also.. I want to bring my future children up in a household where men and women are treated equally (a safe-haven from the outside world where that is not the case).

This is where I could go on FOREVER discussing the man/woman equality issue. I think men and women should be treated "equally" in that they deserve the same respect, equal pay for equal work, human rights etc. But at the end of the day, men and women aren't "the same." Of course there are stereotypes we both fight against, but in spite of these we have our differences physically/mentally that have been documented and proven. Ideally, we raise our children in an environment where they feel they have equal opportunities regardless of their sex, but similarly we must all know our biological differences.

That said, your children will learn equality based on your actions and your husband's actions, not based on your last name. You're gaining a "family" name in taking his, you're avoiding the "why don't you share a last name" question at every future dinner party.

I think in taking your husband's name, the message you're sending your daughters is that you wanted to, regardless of your reasons. Because at the end of the day, you don't "have to." There's no law that says you must take his name, and no one can fill out the appropriate paperwork to see it through except for YOU.

And if that is the message you're sending, is it really so bad? Isn't part of equality about doing what we want to do without restriction, whether our reasons are based on ease, tradition, or making our own way?

There are always the options to hyphenate, to not take his name, to choose a new name for the two of you, for him to take your name... But I think it's important to determine if those choices say something about you that simply taking his name wouldn't.

At the end of the day, it's a personal choice, and not one to be taken lightly, your name is attached to your identity, your past. But marriage is about your future, it's about agreeing to make a permanent change in your life by accepting compromise, sacrifice, and a hope for getting more in return.

(Also feel free to mention to those daughters of yours that it was a woman who grew them in her belly for 9 months, I'm sure that piece of information will say a lot more about your differences and equality than any old last name ever could).

And when you consider all that you'll gain, ask yourself if the name will matter in 20 years as much as it seems to matter now. Do you look at your mother, or her mother or any other older married woman and think, "Wow, she's Mrs. His-Last-Name, she must not be treated as his equal and probably thinks feminism is a bad thing."

I bet you probably won't.

I bet it will be something more like this...

"Wow, she's still married?! I wonder what they're doing right..."

READER QUESTION: The Name Change

2010-12-06T14:51:00.002-05:00

An Odd Blog reader recently sent in a question regarding marriage and the idea of changing your last name.

Before I jump in and tell her how I handled this very question, I'm going to open this one up to fellow readers who may have some insight.

To take his last name, hyphenate, or stay with the maiden name?

Bride-To-Be asked...

I'm currently engaged (to be married 2011) and I started thinking about my last name. Traditionally, the wife takes the husbands last name. However; I am not really what you'd call traditional in any way and am worrying (maybe to much) about the message that taking it really has. I don't really feel that names are all that important..its the people attached to them that matter the most (a rose by any other name..) but its MY name. I feel sort of weird having to give it up. Also.. I want to bring my future children up in a household where men and women are treated equally (a safe-haven from the outside world where that is not the case).

What kind of message would be taking my future husband's name send to my future daughters? Sometimes I think I'm thinking too much about this and my thoughts get all jumbled together.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do yet but I'd love some perspective. Will it even matter 20 years down the line?

Thanks

2010-11-24T13:24:00.003-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving, I toyed with the idea of writing about the struggles that arise during the holidays, the question of with whom to spend time, the struggle of affording a dinner more lavish than most.

But oddly enough, while the list of complaints began to fester, I suddenly became overcome with a separate list, rearing its uncommon head.

Of things I am actually thankful for.

-For the fact her cancer was stage one.
-For authors so talented their descriptions say things our world never could.
-For meeting my favorite author and seeing his scribbled name "with love" on the inside cover of the book I've nearly memorized.
-For my husband.
-For the word husband and all it entails.
-For feeling healthy now.
-For a wedding with our parents, still married, his and mine.
-For NPR
-For streaming Netflix
-For pumpkin pie. With whipped cream.
-For leftovers
-For blog traffic that soars when I do what I love
-For jeans that are really leggings.

And of course...

For the comments section.

Your turn.

READER QUESTION - The Odd Response

2010-11-18T10:38:00.004-05:00

Mr. K asked...

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties (I'm 27) and seemed very educated and sophisticated. She had classic curves - large bust, narrow waist, shapely legs/hips, etc., but not what I would consider "overweight", and was wearing an outfit that really flattered her figure. We had been talking for about a half hour and really seemed to develop a great rapport. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. There was a pause in the conversation and I commented that she had a "really nice, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She said, "Excuse me? Why are you talking about my figure?" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She told me I was being "inappropriate" and that she was very "disappointed" and then with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed. As I stood there alone rubbing my cheek, I was trying to figure out why she was so upset. It seemed like a harmless comment to me but maybe I don't understand women as well I should. I do have her email address. Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive way of saying she wants no further contact?

Dear Mr. K,

I hope you gained some insight from our reader comments found in this post, a lot of which I tend to agree with.

And while no two women are the same, I will admit that for most part, we're accustomed to compliments on our figures, hair, and eyes. A "sophisticated woman" like the one you mentioned probably had enough full-figured comments throughout her high school days and early/mid twenties to last her a lifetime. As an educated, art-loving individual in her early 30's she probably wanted you to compliment her insight and opinions rather than her sexy curves.

If you must compliment her, focus on something she may not have heard a thousand times before, tell her she has a great laugh or something that shows you're LISTENING not just LOOKING.

You mentioned in your comments that in addition to complimenting her "full figure" you also compared her to KIM KARDASHIAN.

For the record, when making comparisons to famous people, try not to choose those who are only famous for making sex tapes and subsequently reality television. Sure, Kim is a beautiful woman, but women want to be MORE than beautiful objects, we want to be awesome people too. Comparing a woman you just met to someone who is most notable for being a sex object is never a good idea. Lump in the fact that Kim's curves are sometimes considered fat rather than fab, and you've possibly insulted someone rather than complimenting them.

I think your comment to this woman may have had a place... but that place wasn't 30 minutes into meeting her at an art gallery. That place is actually 3:30 am in a bar. When dating, it's important to know your "audience." Save the sexual references and comments for when you're actually dating someone, not just meeting them for the first time.

I see in your comments that you eventually emailed this woman an apology, I think that was a honest thing to do on your part and I'm glad she gave you some closure (don't contact her again of course, she knows you're "interested" so leave it at that for now). I personally wouldn't recommend contacting anyone who made it so apparent that you'd crossed the line in the future, but take this lesson and run with it.

Lastly, I don't think it's ever appropriate to slap anyone across the face, regardless of their comments. So in addition to being confused, I think you should also consider how lucky you are that such a hotheaded lady didn't end up your girlfriend.

I hope the comments and this insight helped, I'm sure the next time you meet a fabulous woman with sexy curves you'll know to save the "compliments" for a little later in the relationship (like when you find out how she like her eggs in the morning;)

Thanks!

Do you have a question for The Odd Blog? Email it to the link above and see what those who have been in your dating shoes have to say.

READER QUESTION - Hour Glass Figure

2010-11-16T10:00:00.003-05:00

An Odd Blog reader recently sent in a question regarding his approach to women asking for advice.

Before I jump in and tell him what he's doing right (and wrong!) I'm going to open this one up to fellow readers who may have some insight.

Mr. K asked...

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties (I'm 27) and seemed very educated and sophisticated. She had classic curves - large bust, narrow waist, shapely legs/hips, etc., but not what I would consider "overweight", and was wearing an outfit that really flattered her figure. We had been talking for about a half hour and really seemed to develop a great rapport. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. There was a pause in the conversation and I commented that she had a "really nice, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She said, "Excuse me? Why are you talking about my figure?" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She told me I was being "inappropriate" and that she was very "disappointed" and then with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed. As I stood there alone rubbing my cheek, I was trying to figure out why she was so upset. It seemed like a harmless comment to me but maybe I don't understand women as well I should. I do have her email address. Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive way of saying she wants no further contact?

Date Night

2010-08-16T09:17:00.003-04:00

Whenever a long term relationship veers from passion into the comfort stage, the remedy is often "date night."

Couples decide that one night a week, they will get all dressed up like they used to, enjoy a date on the town like they used to, and consequently hope to feel, like they used to.

For some couples, Friday nights are spent in pajamas long before 8 o'clock and there is a palpable longing to feel "new" again, in search of a spark that shone its brightest in those first few dates.

But sparks are meant to fade, their beauty is in their quickness, because without their transience they lose their very meaning.

And rather than celebrate a time that's passed, and long for it...

Perhaps we could find contentment in comfort, in ordinary life.

Accepting that a spark is a means to an end, an end that is late night TV, pajamas after work, and a real relationship, one without glamour and constant excitement.

And so instead of trying to go back in time, we could appreciate the spark's incandescence from a distance, a place without it, but a place where we're not alone.

The Dating Game

2010-07-23T09:47:00.003-04:00

If there is one thing I regret from my single days, it's the fact that I never took part in some of the modern games that make finding the one so interesting.

Sure, I had a blind date with a giant at 16-years-old, but that was far from fun. And there was that one week I signed up for Cupid.com, but that just ended with a few online stalkers and archived AIM conversations.

What I'm really talking about is SPEED DATING.

That's right, a bunch of mini dates with like-minded people who are just as nervous as you, but with whom you only need to spend a few minutes rather than a full meal followed by a game of passing the check.

And lucky for you Po-Town singles...

You can enjoy this dating game locally and soon.

Check it out.

Speed Dating at Cosimo's in Poughkeepsie!

August 13, 2010. Sign in begins at 7:30 pm and dating starts at 8!

Go and report back to my nearly-wed self and let me know what I missed!

Ms. Understood

2010-07-14T12:58:00.003-04:00

People think I'm shy.

And people who know me, think this is ridiculous.

Sure, I was shy.

In kindergarten.

After spending five years in a tiny town with only my mother and sister to occupy me, I'd grown accustomed to talking in a whisper and new faces brought on new anxieties I'd never wanted to experience.

But after I was forced into a world that looked incredibly scary to the miniature life I'd led until that point, I slowly grew out of my shyness and into a more bold self, the woman I consider myself today.

I found my stride in a small group of friends, people who understood my humor, people I could look to for entertainment, support, and acceptance.

But I was still aware of how often I was misunderstood.

My humor seemed lost on most outside my social circle and many conversations I had the misfortune of overhearing seemed too petty for my input.

And so, after curing myself of early childhood shyness, I became quiet for other reasons.

Not because I was too timid to interject, but because it didn't seem worth my time to do so.

Because the conversations of those around me often focused on things of little interest to me, television shows I didn't care to watch, classroom discussions on books I'd read a decade before, gossip about how much weight so-and-so gained, I decided to keep to myself a little more.

If I chose to interject, my thoughts were often lost on those around me, blank stares and quiet moments filled only with an awkwardness my silence never seemed conjure on its own.

And so what looked, on the outside, to be shyness crept back in.
Meeting new people became just a handshake and a simple smile again, rather than a conversation where only I seemed amused.

The headphones were worn more frequently, drowning out the noise of my surroundings and allowing me to be myself instead.

Not shy.
But disinterested. Unamused. Sometimes offended.

And often, aware that people are much more comfortable with the idea that you're shy...

Than the idea that you may just not like them all that much.

Wedding Wants

2010-06-30T15:36:00.005-04:00

I'm the sort of gal who weighs the pros and cons of each and every purchase.

Short of fresh produce, I check the prices on most things at least 5 times, stare at new tops longingly from afar as I wait for sale prices, and my most frequented Google search is for

PRINTABLE COUPONS.

So just imagine then, how it felt to find myself planning a wedding.

For nearly two years, I flashed my engagement ring and declared we had yet to set the date because we couldn't "make up our minds."

When in reality, each budget discussion caused minor panic, and there was always something better to buy, something I could enjoy for longer than one day, and so the planning never amounted to much.

At least until I had a bit of an epiphany...

After a particularly lovely birthday, where instead of listening to me, my friends and family had flowers sent to the house, left long voicemails full of birthday songs and well-wishes, and purchased gifts I considered far-too luxurious, I realized that I've never really celebrated me before.

(I know, I know, it's about "us" but there is at least 1/2 "me" in there too.)

Honestly, never.

I always hoped no one would fuss over my birthday, I had pizza and beer after my college graduation, and I think we toasted our engagement over a meal supplied by Darden Corporation.

It was just the way I always did it, insisting that nothing was really a "big deal" if it involved me, my accomplishments, or my happiness.

It was always easier to fend off disappointment that way.
Without the party the cake would never be overcooked and without a real wedding only the imaginary one would need to meet my expectations.

But instead of fearing disappointment and letting it dictate my plans, I think I'll have more luck fending off regret instead.

I regret the lackluster graduation party, I regret forgoing the engagement party, and I regret all of the opportunities where I should have celebrated my successes instead of hiding them behind a cynical smile.

So instead of pretending I don't want a wedding at all, I'm finally committing to a new reality, one where actually...

I DO.

Labor & Love

2010-06-22T12:22:00.003-04:00

I realized yesterday, that my close friend and I are OLDER now than our mothers were during our first play date in 1987.

Back then, almost-30 meant no longer a kid.
It meant being a mother.

For quite a while the word "mom" never infiltrated our core group of friends unless we were talking about unflattering jeans, holding our pocket books while we danced, or haircuts with short wispy layers.

But at this very moment, one of us is making the trek into motherhood, one contraction at a time.

She is surrounded by family as she journeys into a world that will never look quite the same, a life of no longer being alone on the inside.

And as I picture her in pain, eyes welling with tears they way they did in kindergarten after falling on the playground, or years later when he wasn't quite enough, I wish I was there to tell her it's going to be alright.

Because it will.

However different it becomes in the process.

Open Letter

2010-06-10T13:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Guy in the Red T-Shirt,

Please, get off your cell phone.

I know you're just "waiting in line for a sandwich" but that gal doing just the same a mere 10 inches in front of you enjoys her deli time as quiet time. For her, it's about not being bombarded with outside stimuli, for her, it's about the turkey on a hard-roll, not your favorite movie.

I feel like I know you, Guy in the Red Shirt. I know you like a certain kind of beer and it "only takes 5 for you to be wasted."

I know you wanted to go swimming instead of working (join the club) and that you were just grabbing a sandwich and a salad (both, really?) but none of these things are important to me.

And much like I'd rather not feel your breath on the nape of my neck, I'd prefer you keep your cell phone off, your mouth shut, and your body a few paces behind the person in front of you.

Because I wasn't moving toward the deli counter to get a better look at what they had to offer, I was trying desperately to get further and further away from YOU, your ONE SIDED CONVERSATION.

Sincerely,

Girl in the Black Sweater Who Hates You

The little things

2010-06-09T16:06:00.003-04:00

Sometimes all it takes are the little things to brighten our mood.

Like when a simple friend request proves we had good taste even in 5th grade.

Thank you 11-year-old crush for making my day.

I knew there was a reason we fought over who got to sit near you on the bus.

Quiet time

2010-06-07T15:04:00.002-04:00

After perhaps my longest blogging hiatus since the Odd Couple began, I figured I should fess up as to why I've been so silent lately.

I'm paying homage to an old saying.
Perhaps you've heard it?

If you don't have anything nice to say.
Don't say anything at all.

And so, here I remain saying nothing and hoping the niceties are on their way soon because nothing makes me feel less productive than an un-updated blog (well.... aside from an un-showered self on Sunday).

The end of an era

2010-05-13T13:44:00.002-04:00

Things I will miss about Mahoney's if THIS actually happens.

1. The "everybody knows your name" feeling when you arrive.

2. The pink shots served in the crunch-able shot glasses. (Perfect for emulating a comic "punch" sound with a swift almost-hit to the face).

3. Dancing with Emmett on St. Paddy's Day.

4. Borrowing jackets from the bouncers.

5. Running into everyone you ever went to DCC with or worked with in a restaurant or went to high school with (and liked).

6. Using the handi-cap bathroom when all the 21-year-olds wait in line for the other.

7. Sitting on the very bar stool where you met your fiance.

8. Spilling beer, dropping glasses, and no one even noticing.

9. Wearing a sweatshirt and sneakers on Thursday night and heels on Saturday.

10. Living the stories you'll never tell your kids (or your parents) no matter how much time goes by.

Comment and tell me if you'll miss your "20-something-hangout" or if you can't wait to see it go.

Mother's Way

2010-05-06T14:45:00.000-04:00

I want to be a mom.

Not in the harvesting babies sort of way, but in the taking care of everyone sort of way.

I want to have a purse full of chocolates for the bad days and Tylenol for the painful ones.

I want to pack lunches with little notes and cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a heart shaped cookie cutter.

I want to bake brownies for everyone in the office and brew fresh coffee for their 3:30 slump.

I want to be the saint who cleans the company microwave so everyone can enjoy its waves without filth. (Consider this blog entry an official "Thank You!" to whomever does that here.)

I want to drop by my friends houses with homemade meals when they're too busy to make them, wrapped in perfect one-time use containers, and carried in a picnic basket for them to keep.

I want to send cards for every holiday, promotion, or celebration that occurs in the lives around me, early rather than late.

And I want to do it all without the need for thanks.

Because I think that is what being a "Real Mom" is all about.

It's about doing all of these nice things for people with only their smiles as a acknowledgment.

And while I may not be ready for the official "Mom" title quite yet.

I still want to be like her...

That person who fills her purse with smiles and never seems to notice the lack of cold hard cash found inside.

Love sick

2010-04-26T11:36:00.004-04:00

Few moments in our ordinary lives can make us feel as lonely as when we're sick and single.

I can remember the late night trips for over the counter meds that were pointless anyway, stocking my cart with orange juice and vitamins, and sneezing ever so un-gently into my pile of crumpled bills before handing them off to the mortified cashier.

I can remember lugging it all back into my tiny apartment, and passing out more from the exhaustion than the NyQuil itself, realizing again how sometimes it just sucks to be alone.

It was a time of 3 a.m. fevers consoled only by the lamp on my nightstand and hair not-held while I bent over the seat usually reserved for just sitting.

Sore necks were soothed with ibuprofen and vodka on the rocks, not massages and heating pads fresh from the microwave.

Sickness was a time of self-medicating and hoping.
Hoping that it would pass quickly, without much fuss, and that I would not be forced to beg the next man who smiled at me to be my partner and my hospice nurse.

And when I finally found someone worth keeping, someone who promised to be there when I'm at my worst, I find I am only reminded of these things when I no longer am forced to suffer through them.

Instead of lonely nights spent sick in solitude, I think of them when I experience the opposite.

When sickness is not a reminder of loneliness, but of feeling loved instead.

The do-ing

2010-04-21T10:42:00.004-04:00

I've been haunted in almost every long-term-ish relationship with one cringe-worthy phrase.

"What do you want to do?"

I appreciate the gesture, I understand that these words are uttered in order to make me happy, and the people responsible for the question are just taking my feelings into account.

But I can't help but silently scream each time I'm asked, each time my preferences become paramount and I'm forced to decide what "we" will be doing for the next few hours.

I could be honest and say, "I'd like YOU to invite me to do SOMETHING like you used to."

Because relationships don't begin with this phrase, they begin with offers for dates.

I can remember an abundance of "Would you like to go out to dinner at X,Y,Z tonight?" type-of-questions. I was asked whether or not I wanted to see a specific movie, not a movie at all.

It was a time when dates were set times and places, not a burden of opportunities that sometimes take more effort than they're worth.

My silent screams say things like... "Woo-me." "You should know what I like, it's been YEARS after all!" "Buy me dinner or take me to Dairy Queen even though you're on a diet!"

But I know that on the inside, I'm a spoiled brat, and so I don't say these things.

Instead, I go through the lists upon lists of things we could do, and by the time I've weighed the pros and cons of all of them, the only thing I want to do, is take a nap.

And so I wonder what the appropriate answer is...

When all I want to do is sarcastically say, "Well, how about some OPTIONS?"

Because in the end it's not necessarily sweet and doting that I'm asked what I want to do.

Part of me wonders if it's just lazy.

Baby talk

2010-04-15T10:40:00.003-04:00

Last year, it was all weddings and white dresses.

My, how quickly things change.

It seems that suddenly my circle of friends will be welcoming BABIES into the equation.

No more Martinis + Expletives = Fun.

Instead, we will be oo-ing and ah-ing over baby bits, nibbling on tiny toes instead of tapas and declining that second mimosa in favor of "just OJ" in its place.

And where I once thought I'd be mortified at the idea of BABIES DURING BRUNCH I've suddenly warmed up to the idea.

We will have something new to obsess about rather than our wedding plans or old flames. We will likely get together earlier, allowing for more PRIME TIME TV and hours of sleep that alluded us in our early 20's.

Midnight will become THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT rather than the beginning and we will all finally have someone to talk about in a good way.

"Did you hear about Emily?"
"NO! What's she up to?!"
"She is EATING CHEERIOS!"
"Oh my god I had NO IDEA!"

And so along with my fast-er metabolism and wrinkle-free face, I say goodbye to our old way of celebrating womanhood and welcome the new.

Because nothing will make us feel more empowered than realizing that our bodies are capable of housing tiny human beings, little people who finally prove we're all grown up.

Bar babes

2010-03-29T13:36:00.003-04:00

Long ago I argued that you can't meet a nice guy in a bar and then I went off and got engaged to one.

Yes, they exist.
Nice guys... IN THE BAR.

Guys who understand why you didn't want them to pick you up at your house the first time you hung out, guys who promised "Not to wait 3 days," before they called, guys who laughed when you said, "Don't, I won't remember you in 3 days."

Good guys.

But, looking back, I realized there are a few rules that need to be followed if you hope to weed out the good from the bad and eventually take home the relationship prize from a bar instead of just an emotional hang over.

Things like...

1. Timing counts
This means, consider yourself Cinderella and leave that bar by midnight. Otherwise, you'll find yourself doing shots with the regulars while all the good guys have gone home to rest up before calling the girl they just met in the AM.

2. Inhibit your inhibitions
This means, keep your drinking to a minimum and your flirtation only to a maximum. After a glass of wine and a giggle you're doing fine, add a few shots and a slip on the dance floor, and you're a joke instead.

3. Trust your instincts
When your mind is telling you know (regardless of what the rest of you is doing) TRUST YOUR INTUITION! Our gut is our best friend when it comes to dating successfully, chances are if he seems slimy... he is.

Benefits and doubt

2010-03-24T11:03:00.003-04:00

What do Sandra Bulluck, Elin Nordegren, your cousin, mother, and best friend have in common?

Oh! That's it! A cheating man!

Some argue that they can't help it, that it's in a man's nature to want to frolic in the grass with as many ladies as he can because he simply can't help himself.

And yet others now play the addiction card...

(Yes, David Duchovny, I mean you, oh and you Tiger Woods, and YOU former husband of Halle Barry).

They get caught cheating and instead of sleeping on the couch and begging for forgiveness, they say they're addicted, that it's a disease they need help for and they spend their sleepless nights at rehab instead.

And with months or years of therapy, they kick their habit, they recommit to their wives and claim they've healed.

But sometimes all it takes is a beautiful woman to make most of them relapse.

Just like an addict that can't enter the liquor store without salivating, they're powerless in the face of a new partner...

But is there truth in the addictive powers of cheating?

Or are we giving these guys benefits where there once was only doubt?

Just friends

2010-03-12T10:17:00.004-05:00

"Why do you still talk to that person?"

We hear it all the time, the question of why we still allow people who may have wronged us back into our lives, giving them a second (or sometimes third) chance at friendship.

And while a lot of people assume it's because we're "not strong enough to say goodbye" or that we're simply "doormats with no self-respect," sometimes it seems more important, more beneficial to our happiness, to just sweep old conflicts under the rug instead.

Because a person may have hurt us at one time, but they probably also brought us joy.

And perhaps more important than what was said or done, is their intent.

Acknowledging that we're hurt means looking at the reasons of why...
And most of the time, we're hurt due to a misunderstanding or due to someone's general humanity, wrapped in regret.

Should we then harbor resentment and cast judgment rather than forgive?

Or is it better to focus on the reasons we allowed them into our lives in the first place and hope that they will be as forgiving of our flaws as we were of theirs.

A greater power

2010-03-03T13:49:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, little things happen that make us stop and think before we react (or overreact).

Call it fate, call it coincidence, call it a greater power.

Regardless, of what you call it sometimes I'm simply grateful for it, at all, whatever it may be.

Like when...

1. In an attempt to lose 10lbs before Memorial Day, I decide to not bring lunch to work at all, and instead head to the vending machine STARVING at 1:30 only to find my only dollar is TOO CRUMPLED for the cupcakes I covet. Thus, a diet coke in quarters instead.

2. When I'm about to send a nasty email and Firefox crashes.

3. When I attempt to call people out on their immaturity and drama via telephone, only to realize I left my cell charging at home, safe from my wrath.

4. When heated arguments online end in typos from my "enemy."

5. When I want to cancel plans and it snows for three days so I don't have to make up an excuse.

6. When people I don't like get their haircut, and I see the exact style on "Worst Ways To Wear Your Hair Dot Com."

7. When I want to wear my yoga pants to work, but decide on the khakis instead, only to find that they are covered in coffee stains and thus- I must change before leaving the house (into yoga pants of course).

8. When someone passes me on a double yellow, only for me to later pass THEM pulled over on the side of the road talking to at State Trooper.

9. When I order a salad and the restaurant is out of dressing forcing me to eat Plan B: Burger and fries instead.

10. ______________.

When was the last time your friend Karma came to say hello?

A time to settle

2010-02-25T14:16:00.003-05:00

Is it better to be alone, or to settle?

That is the question answered by THIS woman and not in a way most would expect.

Rather than encourage women to hold out for their knight in shining armor, she suggests that they lower their expectations (notice, I did not say standards) in order to find Mr. Good-Enough.

It seems that our expectations for "only the best" sometimes leave us alone for longer than we'd like.

And while I once agreed, that a life alone would be better than a life with Mr. Almost-Soul-Mate, with each year that passes, I change my tune.

Not because I think I'm settling in my present relationship, but because I see the struggle that most single women go through on their never-ending search for "the one."

When their dates end in disaster, they either blame themselves or add yet another attribute to their list of "necessary qualities" in a mate.

While I wouldn't advise them to stay with a man they were repulsed or offended by, I think in time, they may come to realize, that being married and starting a family isn't exactly glamorous and most always far from perfect.

And if a woman wants these things in her future, she just might need to lower her height expectations when looking for a partner and open her mind a little more than her eyes.

Because the man she eventually chooses won't be just a mate, but a father as well.

And "passion and fire" aren't exactly qualities that scream, "stable and loving."

They tend to describe men who want more from life.

More fun. More experiences.

And maybe, more than one woman.

Max-ism

2010-02-18T12:59:00.005-05:00

I'm not the sort of gal to care about my man's glossy magazine favorites. I consider my Cosmo an R rated version of his X rated picks, and so he's more or less entitled.

However, upon looking at the latest issue of Maxim, I was at first amused that the chick from Big Bang Theory was on the cover, and then appalled at one of the article topics.

"Cheat and don't get caught! Women tell you how."

Um. Seriously? It's one thing to broadcast the ways we caught someone being adulterous, but it's quite another to give otherwise good guys a HOW-TO-MANUAL on the subject.

Here's their ideas and how I debunked them.

1. "Make your girl a guy."
By this they mean... change the contact info for your lover in your phone so your "psycho" (and um... ACCURATE) wife/girlfriend doesn't wonder why you're texting Jane Doe in the other room at all hours of the day (and night). If she thinks it's John Doe, you're in the clear.

DEBUNKED: Even if this works while you're in a relationship, some day down the line, when you meet a real person by the name of Jane (or John) you just might accidentally invite your old flame out for drinks instead of your new friend. (This. Happens).

2. "Hackproof your life."
This is where they tell you to create an entirely different online persona in order to carry out your affair, complete with new email address, screen name, and passwords.

DEBUNKED: Wanna know the EASIEST way to lose your relationship? Oh! That's right... it's having a SECRET LIFE on the side.

3. "Always be reachable."
The idea is to always answer the phone or text back, regardless of your circumstances so as not to cause suspicion.

DEBUNKED: Certain activities make it impossible to answer the phone. These are the very activities you're hoping to partake in by cheating. Good luck with this one.

4. "Take it to the grave."
Ah yes... the old "don't tell anyone advice." If only you know then no one will find out!

DEBUNKED: Unless you're REALLY bad at cheating, chances are you aren't the ONLY one involved. You may never know when/if your indiscretions will come back to haunt you.

5. "Choose wisely"
This is where the EXperts at Maxim advise you to choose your lover with some sense, to ensure that they don't go crazy and tell your significant other about your other life.

DEBUNKED: You never know what people you love are capable of, let alone the people you don't even like enough to have a real relationship with.

6. "Don't date your fling."
Apparently, you aren't allowed to take your fling out for dinner because that means you have "bigger issues."

DEBUNKED: Those "bigger issues" are called feelings. And, you can't fight them off no matter how hard you try.

7. "Don't overcompensate."
They advise would-be cheaters to never be "too nice" to their significant other after doing the deed with someone insignificant. All those homemade meals are signs you're feeling guilty.

DEBUNKED: If you're feeling guilty enough to become the next Emeril in the kitchen or buy her some new diamond jewelry, maybe she's worth holding onto after all. That guilt isn't just something to overcompensate for, it is a sign that you're doing something WRONG.

Your opinion? Good advice or a reason to cancel his subscription?

The consequences of nesting

2010-02-12T11:43:00.006-05:00

It seems the "happier" I am the less witty I become as well.

Where I once couldn't determine what fantastical experience I wanted to share in an animated, metaphorical way, now I find myself bombarded with a bunch of half-baked ideas and a habit of Googling real recipes instead.

After a cup of coffee (or 3) the metaphor peaks its caffeinated head and begins by comparing men to a nice cut of beef...

And then all of a sudden I'm fantasizing about a roasted sirloin tip with a balsamic demi glaze instead of Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.

I used to write posts about my tiny apartment and how it was more than just a space to live, it was an extension of my independence. But now, similar ideas manifest themselves in a trip to Ikea.com and fantasies about decorating my new (shared) home. Instead of embracing solitude, I'm finding patterns that compromise femininity with a more masculine approach.

Is this what nesting is?
Am I destined to become a mom, a quilter, a woman who looks forward to the Fourth of July Flag cake more than the inevitable margaritas?!
Will my writing suffer a similar fate to my 12th grade love of painting with watercolors-- old posts and columns collecting dust in the basement because the room they were once displayed in becomes a nursery?!

Perhaps (like everyone else) I could blame twitter and status updates for my creative demise.
I could say that because all of my wittiness and talent is suddenly summed up into 140 characters or less that I've forgotten how to embellish, how to tell a real story.

So instead, I twit my best lines and look at food p0rn rather than compare men to my favorite late night snack. I fill my drafts with the first half of a metaphor and my recipe box with what's left.

Because in addition to a few wrinkles and a strange lust for home goods, it seems I've lost my ability to find glamor in the simple life.

And sadly enough... men are no longer expensive steaks or the icing on the cake, but instead real life people I actually want to cook for.

Advice

2010-02-03T17:18:00.003-05:00

One of the greatest things about having a MUCH younger sibling is that you get to bestow your wisdom upon them while they're young and impressionable, but with enough of an age-gap, to make a real difference.

The things I tell my 13-year-old sister...

1. Few marry their 8th grade boyfriends
(And those that do, usually regret their lack of experience;)

2. It all changes when you get your license
(Freedom=Fun)

3. Good guys like real girls
(Not plastic, plumped up, surgical Barbie dolls).

4. Don't date boys with goatees
(There's something about the 14 year old boy with facial hair that just screams BAD NEWS).

5. I hope you think I'm still cool in 5 years
(It's true... I'm not looking forward to the day you get older, and I just get old).

What advice do you have for your siblings that you wish someone had warned you about?

Dinner party

2010-01-27T10:25:00.006-05:00

It was a success.

Wine poured into matching glasses, laps covered in cloth napkins, and a meal from scratch (except the salad dressing).

I had timed it perfectly and even found a moment for fresh flowers as the centerpiece-- which were called "very pretty" at least once.

But it seemed I was too concerned with dinner's outcome and consequently said much less than usual.

Distracted by the possibility of burning dinner for four, I ran to the kitchen when I might have preferred to stay and chat.

I joined the conversation, politely answering questions, curbing my usually foul mouth into one that wears lipstick instead.

And it was a success.

Until the empty house gave me the quiet freedom to wonder.

To wonder if they were impressed by me, or my meal.
To wonder if they thought I was someone I'm not.

A woman who just cooks. Who just spends time in the kitchen.
A woman whose contributions amount to full bellies and warm thank yous.

A woman who isn't actually me.

But the one I gave to them instead.

I do

2010-01-21T12:17:00.003-05:00

The things I don't miss about dating, and a few things I do...

DON'T MISS...

1. The mixed signals.
He says he is just wants something casual, but he still calls everyday (in the afternoon).

2. The game of check mate.
Dinner was great, but who has to pay?

3. Feeling crazy.
Asking yourself if you're sending too many text messages feels crazy, even when it's OK.

MISS...

1. Flip flops.
It's amazing what our hearts/stomachs can do when the person we are falling for enters the room.

2. Spices.
Variety can be nice-- and never boring.

3. Falling
The in love part is nice, but the descent is something to remember.

What do you or don't you miss?

Happy-Crite

2010-01-06T10:46:00.003-05:00

It's not that difficult to find someone in their early to mid-twenties who claims that marriage is a farce and they plan to spend their lives as a bachelor or bachelorette.

You can usually trace their bitterness... I mean realism... back to one particular event.

Perhaps it's their parent's divorce or their breakup from whom they thought was the one.

Either way, they have reason to paint a negative portrait of a committed life and will likely laugh at your supposed happy relationship.

Just wait they say.
Just wait until you really know the person.

And yet... perhaps that's what we should be saying to them.

Just wait.
Just wait until someONE comes along and tests your boundaries.
Just wait until someONE says they want to be with you forever (and actually means it).
(However transient the meaning of forever ends up being, in the moment they say it, its definition is finite).

Because eventually our bitterness transforms into hypocrisy... whether we expect it to or not.

And where we once entertained our friends with our negative outlook on love, we suddenly bore them with our happiness instead.

Have you wavered on your previous views on marriage/relationships? And if so... what was the turning point?

It's that time of year again...

2009-12-29T10:19:00.004-05:00

They've already moved the slippers out of the store windows and have replaced them with sports bras and jogging suits. Where only days ago you were tempted by truffles and cookies coated in butter cream frosting, now you will be bombarded with the latest diet foods and Jillian Michael's manly face coaxing you to buy her latest DVD.

And, like any other year... I feel compelled to resolve... something.

But as I try to remember last year's resolution, or the years that came before, I feel less festive and more like a failure.

Because it seems that the only thing I can actually commit to is to be non-committal.

Here's all the resolutions that never were...

1. Lose 10 lbs
Um. Lost 8, gained 6, total weight loss: 2 lbs.

2. Drink 8 glasses of water everyday!
My days usually consist of 2 cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine plus one or two sips of actual water at 2 am when the caffeine and alcohol begin to dehydrate me.

3. Go to the gym 3 times a week
I went, ONCE in 2009. Yep. Last January. They wanted to charge me 10 bucks because my debit card (with which I automatically pay them) was stolen after the 10th of the month. "All changes must be made before the 10th." But, it was STOLEN? Apparently, that doesn't matter. In order to show them who was boss, I've neglected my body in defiance.

4. Stop procrastinating
I started this blog post, LAST week, and am just finishing it now. Enough said.

5. Don't be so hard on yourself
Blogging about all the things I haven't accomplished in 2009 rather than the things I have, proves right here and now that I've failed at this one.

What do you resolve to NOT resolve this year?

Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry HIM

2009-12-17T13:15:00.001-05:00

1. He drinks too much.
If you find yourself making excuses for the frequency of his "guys nights" or give him ultimatums before every event with an open bar, it may be time to reconsider.

2. He made you wait, and wait, and wait.
If he dated you for a decade and then some before popping the question, chances are he was still looking for "the one." Instead of finding her, he decided to propose to "the womb" instead.

3. He's your polar opposite.
Sure, opposites attract, but that does n't mean they should get married. Sooner or later his yin will begin to bother your yang. A gal can only take so many ballroom dancing lessons while her man is playing Wii before she finds a better suited partner.

4. He's your EX boyfriend as well as your CURRENT boyfriend.
If your relationship history is as rocky as the ice cream with which you sooth your break up wounds, then it may be time to reconsider. Breaking up is hard to do, but getting back together afterward is the easy way of dealing with it. You can't meet someone great if you're holding on to someone who isn't.

5. He has mommy issues.
Whether mommy made his bed until 38 or mommy left at 13, it has always been true that you can judge a man by the way he treats his mother. If they don't speak, determine WHY before he is giving YOU the silent treatment.

6. He calls other women bad names.
If his nickname for his boss starts with a B and ends with an itch and he thinks all women are gold diggers, take some more time before becoming his permanent verbal punching bag.

7. He is mean to your cat.
Mr. Whiskers is important to you, small, and sometimes spills milk or makes a mess of his 'potty.' If your man can't handle that without yelling, rolling his eyes, or making YOU clean up the mess by yourself, then just think of how he'll be with the little HUMAN additions to your family who put Mr. Whisker's bad traits to shame.

8. He hates your friends.
You. Will. Need. Your. Friends. (Especially while you're married). If he hates them now, and makes excuses as to why they're not good enough for you, then watch out. Before you know it all of his opinions will blend with your own and you just might lose yourself (and your friends) in exchange for a marriage with him (and only that).

9. He cheated on you before.
The idea 'once a cheater, always a cheater,' might not always ring true. But you can almost guarantee that if he cheated ON YOU before, it was evidence of a lack of respect for your relationship. What's to prevent him from doing it again?

10. Your friends hate him.
We will all always have one or two friends who think "no one is good enough" for us. But if ALL of the people who care about us wish we'd find someone better, it might be time to give the relationship a once over. Because while no one is "good enough for Daddy's little girl," that doesn't mean we don't deserve someone GOOD for us at all.

A Hook Up How To

2009-12-15T12:12:00.004-05:00

So you don't want a REAL boyfriend or girlfriend, or you don't want your REAL boyfriend or girlfriend to find out about your IN-significant other?

Then follow the rules of our hook up culture and make sure no one gets hurt in the process...

1. Cuddling is not allowed.
Oxytocin is the CUDDLE hormone. And its effect on the human body (especially the lonely human body) is not something to disregard. Cuddling can turn a nasty jerk into a potential "soul mate" if it's done on the regular. If you want to keep your cake on the side and eat it too, stop the snuggle fest and get up to get that glass of water VERY QUICKLY.

2. Dates are not allowed.
If you choose to USE another human being, taking them out for lobster afterward is not an option. Sure, everyone has got to eat, but unless you want your hook up thinking they're something more, continue with the single servings sans confusion.

3. Gifts are not allowed.
Anything that does not fit in your wallet and come in various colors cannot be purchased and given to one another. Period. Gifts imply feelings, feelings imply future.

4. Friends do not include "benefits."
Ah, the dream of the successful FWB situation. Why not share everything with your friend and not attach any strings?!?! Well, because if you're friends who do everything together, you should be dating, for real. If you don't believe me, just ask your Best-Friend-With-Benefits what they think... Oh! That's right. You don't talk to them anymore, do you?

5. Falling IN LOVE is possible (even for you).
If you're under the impression that you've got it all under control because you've found the PERFECT in-significant other then GET. OUT. NOW. Soon, their perfectly acceptable stance on babies and your mutual love for lobster and snuggling will win you over. And OVER will also be your player lifestyle. Because in the end, you can't actually like your hookup more than say... you're new IPOD touch or Playboy subscription.

***OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER***
As a gal whose significant other "put a ring on it" this post is not in anyway related to my current lifestyle. Instead, it's a tribute to my single-and-loving-it friends who still find time to lament about why he/she did or didn't call and get to decorate every single room in their homes exactly how they want to.

That Girl

2009-12-07T16:08:00.005-05:00

The kind of women that give other women a bad name...

1. The Liars
I'm talking, pathological. The type of girl who tells stories about being attacked or mugged when it never happened. All of that crying wolf makes our real-life tragedies harder to believe.

2. The "Other" Women
Sure, she may love him, but she should love herself (and other women) enough to tell him no until he's actually single.

3. The Hypocrite
The girl who hates you for sharing her secrets (regardless of your intentions) in spite of the fact that she not only told people yours, but she told the very people who may never forget.

4. The Eternal Child
No one wants to date the 20-something girl who still asks mommy and daddy for money for her toiletries. This one gives other women a bad name by refusing to support herself during her single years because men are afraid she just wants THEM to support her when her parents are finally finished.

5. The Drama Queen
She spies, she lies, and she conjures up excitement because her life is oh-so-boring without it.

6. The Psycho
Guys LOVE to call women "psycho" every time they suspect cheating or feel neglected. But the REAL psycho girls (who ALWAYS feel neglected and ALWAYS think their partners are cheating) make it very difficult for normal girls under stress to live this insult down.

7. The Facebook-Friend-Deleter
She's the girl who gets mad at you, but never actually confronts you. Instead, she decides to delete you from her online friends list as some sort of modern day defiance. Unfortunately you will never know what you did in order to ask for forgiveness and she just looks pathetic in the process.

8. The Entitled Chick
You know the one... it's the girl who thinks you OWE her because she is after all, still breathing.

9. The TMI-Twit-Her
No one wants to be around the girl who tweets her bowel movements and basal cell temperature. Her unrated tales are hard to follow (at least without a lil' bit of bile in your mouth).

10. The Blog-Her
The girl who uses her public blog as a means of outing all of her least favorite people without actually having to use their names. She's also the one who disses guys after first dates, tells you your man is probably cheating and asks you to forgive hers for doing it all in the same post.

What type of girl do you think sets the rest of us back a few decades?

The Older Man

2009-12-03T13:45:00.002-05:00

Dating an older (slightly) man can be very exciting in the beginning. You get to enjoy all the benefits of a boyfriend, without all the complexities that the usual 20-something male is suffering through.

You get to date a guy whose quarter-life-crisis is over, a guy who dated enough to know that he wants YOU and no one else.

And while it's great in the beginning, finding permanent balance with an older man can make things tricky after a while.

The 25-35 ratio doesn't cause too much friction, after all, you're both adults but not too set in your ways to not make a go of it.

But, only 5 years later, you may find yourself in a different situation.

One where you want to go back to grad school, and he wants children. He's 40 after all, how much longer can you make him wait?

Or perhaps, he was 35 and single, because he never wanted kids anyway, and now at 30, your biological clock is ticking away and your partner is nearing middle age and has no interest in starting a family.

The funny thing with a 10-year age gap however, is that just when things get complicated, you meet again, in a similar place. 45 and 55 finds you with similar wants and desires, early retirement, both slightly wrinkled and content to spend more time at home than out on the town, so you can relax again.

And stop growing up together, while simply growing old together instead.

Do you think there is ever an age-gap that is too big to tackle?

Ten Things I've always THOUGHT

2009-11-30T10:39:00.003-05:00

...But Never Actually SAID

1. I don't like striped sweaters or t-shirts on men.

2. I've spent my whole life 10 lbs shy of my ideal weight.

3. I'll probably never cut more than 6 inches off my super-long hair.

4. One bowl of cereal is usually just not enough.

5. I don't like facial hair, aside from a 5 o'clock shadow.

6. I force myself to sleep late on the weekends just because I can.

7. I think I'm better looking at "almost-30" than I was at "almost-20."

8. I don't miss a single thing about high school.

9. I finally understand why people "get married for the health benefits."

10. My biological clock has yet to begin ticking.

What has your inner monologue been saying lately that you've never shared?

If it makes you happy

2009-11-18T10:20:00.004-05:00

No one wants to know you're happy.

Seriously. They don't. They say they do, they feign interest in the oh-so-cute-and-romantic stories you share, but at the end of the day, your misery is more entertaining and your happiness less so.

Your migraines are more entertaining than your happy marriage.
And your minor car accident is more interesting than your brand new car will ever be.

So when things are going well, we may find ourselves keeping to ourselves more than we should. We make the effort by not discussing "that" topic, because... well... the happy stuff is boring.

A good story is moving, captivating, involves trial and error, misstep and misfortune.
And a happy ending is much easier to take, if it's preceded by a tumultuous plot.

As a result, we sometimes delve into the past too much, chatting with people we promised to ignore because they make things interesting. We retell painful moments from years ago because we've "come out of it unscathed" but all the while our reminiscing reopens a wound we'd hoped to have healed.

The storyteller in us wants some substance, something full of emotion, something bad that we can make good with words and hate mongering. We seek something to hold their attention, because our happiness only causes an uneasiness that our more painful moments never seem to.

But with each retold story, of heartbreak or sadness, we not only bring our audience down to a place where they can feel something, but ourselves as well.

Poisoning our present happy moments with reminders of the sad ones.

Giving up our contentment for camaraderie instead.

Growing up means shutting up

2009-11-09T13:14:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted much on this blog for two reasons.

1. I'm very busy.
2. I'm afraid EVERY TOPIC I want to write about will end up ticking someone off.

I recently realized that the fact that I'm sensitive to the idea all of a sudden, doesn't say anything about my friends or family suddenly being less understanding or open minded.

It has to do with the fact that suddenly I'm more aware of how my words might upset them.

There was a time when I thought the word "crass" was a compliment.
When hearing people declare that "Chrissie will say whatever she wants without apology," was something that I could be proud of.

And maybe I'm just getting old... but suddenly, being crass isn't on my list of aspirations anymore.
And being sensitive is no longer a "weakness" but something I'm glad to feel from time to time.

So here's a post, minus the post, because if nothing else... I'm growing up.

What made YOU realize, you'd changed?

Finding piece

2009-10-30T11:43:00.005-04:00

There's something about things falling into place that just illuminates all the other things that are still in disarray.

It's like a 1,000-piece puzzle, with only the edges assembled.
We may immediately feel as if we've accomplished something, but in the end we're left with just a big empty box.

We can become frustrated with our clean edges and carved out future because sometimes it seems like that empty box, the outline waiting for more, is just... life.

A series of pieces that surely have a place in the "whole" but pieces that also need to be just so in order for everything around them to work out.

And so, we fill our puzzle, one piece at a time, hoping the bigger decisions are enough to anchor our futures in something tangible.

Hoping our edges are strong enough to withstand all the rest.

As we check off our accomplishments, it's obvious to see how we got there, what pieces had to fall into place in order for the 1,000-piece puzzle to begin to make sense.

But, as each piece slides into it's appropriate space, any sense of accomplishment is undermined by the other pieces—in an overwhelming pile—coaxing us to move forward, to do more, to get it done.

Because without a sense of direction, or a purpose, the pieces we've yet to find a place for just clutter the end result with maybes and what might-have-beens.

And it seems no edges are strong enough to handle that.

Wings and beer

2009-10-06T10:03:00.003-04:00

Two girls.
20 wings.
A basket of fries.
And a bread bowl of spinach dip (with stale chips).

You'd think we hadn't eaten for days given the spread of carbs that lay on our table. In combination with the stack of napkins covered in barbecue sauce, the empty pints of Octoberfest, and the bowl of chicken bones, there was little room for much more than our conversation.

"We should take a picture with all this food!" I exclaimed.

And nicely enough, the man standing behind us offered to take the shot.

"Make sure you get all the food!" We declared, since that was the purpose of getting out the camera to begin with.

And then he fumbled.

"Wait, really? Women usually don't want people to know they eat..."

We feigned a smile while I let his words sink into my already full belly.

It is true that women will order a salad when they want a steak, because it's the more "feminine" thing to do.

But when did eating become something only men can enjoy?

As we tore apart our wings and offered each other an exchange of carbohydrates, I couldn't help but feel a sense of freedom.

Because we didn't care what anyone thought of our spread, we were too hungry to notice any stares and too happy to not lick our fingers at the end of our meal.

Our photographer's comment aside, we were simply out to enjoy ourselves, our friendship, and our meal together.

And while it's true that some women don't want people to know they eat.

Other women... like us... just want others to know we're people too.

A good marriage

2009-09-23T13:43:00.003-04:00

We're taught from a very young age that a good marriage is made of a few necessary ingredients...

1. Love
2. Respect
3. Monogamy

While I can't argue the importance of love and respect, I find it hard to determine the true importance of "exclusivity" when it comes to living happily ever after.

The divorce rate indicates that many don't take their vows seriously as "Til death do us part" holds true for only half of couples who declare those words in front of their nearest and dearest.

So why do we put so much emphasis on the vow to "forsake all others?"

Can we not love and respect someone, while we simultaneously want someone else?

And if we've altered the institution of marriage to sneak into it with the idea of divorce as a viable option and with premarital "fun" practiced by most...

Why do we still hold our partners to the chain of monogamy when we let these other things slide?

Open door policy

2009-09-17T14:01:00.003-04:00

When I was a little kid, I was a master at holding a grudge.

If my older sister stole my dessert or got me in trouble, I could spend days on end not talking to her as a result.

I'd mope and be dramatic, hoping that she'd realize the error of her ways and never do it again.

But, all these years later, I realize I wasn't aiding her in admitting fault...

My silence only helped her find me more irritating.

And so, it should be no surprise that the teasing didn't cease, and the desserts still came up missing.

Because all my drama-queen actions taught my older sister, was that I wasn't that likable after all.

My stubbornness distanced us time and time again, building a wall between us until only quiet remained.

Looking back, I wish I'd thought to share my frustration with her so things would have been different.

And instead of finding ourselves standing on opposite ends of a vastly quiet expanse...

Perhaps we would have simply been on opposite sides of an already open door.

17 Again

2009-09-14T09:45:00.004-04:00

It seems I turned 27 and suddenly look 17.

I've been ID'd so many times in the last few weeks that I'm convinced I'm getting younger rather than older as time passes.

I was ID'd 3 times at the same wedding.
And I've been ID'd for alcohol... every single time I try to purchase.

But the day I questioned the eyesight of those in charge was the day I got ID'd for ENTRY TO THE MALL where patrons must be 18-years-old in order to shop their allowances away.

While it is sometimes flattering, my issue comes with the obvious lack of respect some people seem to have for us "kids." They assume that since we're young, we lack the experience necessary to be treated like human beings.

For example...

This passed weekend I was poked fun of at a comedy club for not being "old enough to remember when TVs didn't have remotes or what it was like to change the channel with a wrench."

Sure, I might not be old enough, but I was certainly POOR enough to know.

My early 20's were spent with a TV older than my parents because that was all I could afford.

Forget not having a remote, my gem of an entertainment center was so archaic that the volume-down button TURNED THE TELEVISION OFF.

As someone who has supported herself for nearly a decade, purchased her own college education (and base model Chevy Cobalt) I'd like to be treated like an adult while I'm out in the world because I don't ask for hand outs and no one pays my rent but me.

Of course that's a lot to explain to the store clerks or mall cops.

And so at this point in my life I'm almost looking forward to the day I'll have a wrinkle or two.

Because at least by then my tiny, dry lines will be the only proof I'll need in order to gain a little respect.

And the ID can finally stay at home.

Balancing act

2009-09-02T14:22:00.004-04:00

There comes a time in every relationship where the lines of our individuality blend too softly with the perimeter of "us."

It's a time when our daily adventures and day-to-day mis-adventures are no longer solo acts, but instead a balancing act, where we put our relationship "above all else." It takes precedence over our family and friendly relationships, sometimes our careers or at times our plans for further education.

It seems that as the relationship becomes more serious, the risks of letting the other person down become greater.
And so we climb the ladder together until we have no fear of falling whatsoever.

And yet, as we climb together, always relying on our partner's strength rather than our own... we run the risk of wearing them out. Eventually, our dual expectancies will become so commonplace that all we can see in our future is the places we've already been... together.

Because instead of strengthening our bond, we simply wear it out with too much familiarity.

The balance between togetherness and time apart becomes a tight rope act.
Stretched between the past and the future.
Stretched between two people, who can't help but fall if they find nothing else to hold onto.

If I knew then...

2009-08-24T10:18:00.003-04:00

What I know Now.

We all have those moments when we look back at our former selves with utter disbelief and quite possibly, total embarrassment.

Because it seems that nothing in life can bring clarity quite as honestly as the passing of time.

Here's a tribute to those former moments, to a former self, who didn't know any better.

THEN: He's cute
NOW: He's trouble

THEN: Love hurts
NOW: True love only stings, sometimes.

THEN: Free shots?! I'll take ten!
NOW: No, thank you. I'd rather enjoy tomorrow than ruin it with a hangover.

THEN: 8th Grade broken hearts can't be mended
NOW: 8th Grade hearts can't really be broken

THEN: He's the one
NOW: He's no one worth mentioning

THEN: Life should be easy if you're doing what is right
NOW: Life is never easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't enjoyable

What have you learned in time, that you wish you'd known in the past?

Swarm theory

2009-08-12T10:43:00.005-04:00

"A single ant or bee isn't smart, but their colonies are."

Hmm...

So let me get this straight... single isn't smart?

That idea explains a lot.

It explains why some women seem more eager to get married as they witness their friends coupled up and awaiting all eternity together.
It explains why we want what they have, regardless of whether or not we wanted it before.
And it also explains why my summer '09 can be summed up with two words.

WEDDING. FEVER.

I turned 27 and suddenly each and every weekend was spent either planning a bridal shower, purchasing a wedding gift, or drowning myself in martinis afterward.

Not to say I don't enjoy the idea of my close friends being so happy.
So smitten with someone that the word "forever" no longer makes them turn in fear, but instead makes them embrace it wholeheartedly.

But as the bows are taped tightly to a paper plate and then worn haphazardly upon their heads (because, you know... that's what women do at bridal showers) I couldn't help but stare at the shiny diamond on my left hand and wonder why.

Why we do it... now.
I don't question the validity of these unions, the love in their eyes is obvious, the romance of it all is sometimes enough for even me to tear up with emotion.

But, I also know we get married because that's what comes next.

And I can't help but wonder why...
Why we swarm to a life, so much like the others around us.
Why we're not "whole" until someone defines us that way with a shiny rock on our finger.
Why we're not happy... until our heads are adorned with taffeta and tissue paper... too heavy with generosity.

Tipping over from the weight of it all.
As reality sets in.
Our uniqueness cast in shades of white and ivory.

Goodbyes and new beginnings

2009-08-04T10:14:00.004-04:00

Yet another odd couple blogger has moved on, and I'd like to use this post to wish Sten a formal goodbye and good luck.

As the solo-blogger left behind, it's obvious that some changes need to be implemented for this blog to continue and to move in a slightly new direction.

Rest assured, there will still be posts about why never to get married and why first dates are both glorious and gut wrenching.

But it no longer seems that there are "two women with two different points of view."

Now, it's just me and you. The readers.

Surely, there will still be debate and hot topics, buttons pushed, and quite possibly feelings hurt (mine) when a certain post seems too real, or hits a little too close to home.

But the world of relationships (both romantic and otherwise) is full of excitement and change, which this blog will continue to illustrate.

No longer "The Odd Couple," it's just me, the Odd One Out.

A gal who fits the norm on the outside, but whose conflicts are usually internal.

A 20-something who sees her peers following in each other's footsteps, from fun to families in the blink of an eye.

A person, admittedly terrified of becoming ordinary.

POST COMING UP: "Swarm Theory - Single Isn't Smart"

A year ago today...

2009-07-22T12:36:00.000-04:00

Tatt-Two

Man Hunt VS Job Hunt

2009-07-09T11:44:00.003-04:00

The one dating game which always seems to work is playing "hard to get." Sometimes it takes longer than usual and sometimes by the time you get what you thought you wanted, it's too late and the urge has passed.

There are rules about how often to call (never more than twice if you don't receive a response, and if you're REALLY desperate you can send ONE text message but after that it's out of your hands).

In the world of searching for a job however, I've come to find out that the rules which apply to dating DO NOT APPLY to finding a job.

The following, is an in depth comparison of the two searches.

MAN HUNT: If he's not necessarily "perfect," but you think he's worth a damn, go for it anyway.
JOB HUNT: If the job does not utilize any of your skills, and you don't think you'd be happy doing it, going on the interview will only make you uncomfortable.

MAN HUNT: If you're always the one calling, maybe he's not interested.
JOB HUNT: If you don't call every day and bicker, no one will read your resume.

MAN HUNT: If your friends think he's cute, he is cute.
JOB HUNT: If all your friends work at the same place, you might not only need a job, but you may need new friends.

MAN HUNT: Hard to get always gets the prize.
JOB HUNT: Hard to get works at the Olive Garden for life.

MAN HUNT: Show your cleavage.
JOB HUNT: Don't show your cleavage, ever. Show your smarts.

MAN HUNT: If you don't "settle" in some capacity, you'll be alone forever.
JOB HUNT: If you settle for what's easy, you will work at the Olive Garden for life.

MAN HUNT: Pretty girl gets the guy, persistent girl becomes known as "desperate."
JOB HUNT: Pretty girl gets married and has 2 kids, persistent girl gets her own office with a view.

MAN HUNT: Did I mention the thing about cleavage?
JOB HUNT: Cleavage + job interview = sexual harassment.

All in all, being single taught me that men like women who don't necessarily need them but women who want them.

And as a post-grad I think I've learned only one thing for sure... employers like employees who make bad girlfriends.

(Originally posted Tuesday, September 05, 2006 on Chrissie's Myspace Blog)

Only wanting what's taken

2009-07-08T17:19:00.003-04:00

According to an article from the Wall Street Journal even though the country is at a near 10% unemployment rate, many employers are seeking applicants that still have a job.
If a worker is still employed they must be the "cream of the crop."

What crap.

I've seen so many talented, hard-working people let go ... and to think that they wouldn't even be CONSIDERED by some because they were laid off makes me a wee bit sick. Like walk in on your parents sick.

This reminds me of people who go into a bar looking for wedding rings to find their next conquest. Shame on them for only wanting what's taken without taking the time to check out what's available. They're missing out.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

2009-07-07T09:51:00.003-04:00

"He's just so NICE!"

That's how she described her otherwise inexplicable crush.

NICE.

After years of chasing after the bad boys and pining over a few oedipal messes, she'd changed her tune.

No longer did she find a bad attitude, flippant nature, or mysterious disappearances attractive.

Now, she liked nice.

And nice, as it turned out.
Was married.

It seemed he'd finished first after all.

The Great Northeast Tour of Domesticated College Friends Part 3

2009-07-01T15:32:00.013-04:00

Stop 3: Vermont (The wedding)

Before long, E. and I were out of the war zone (Massachusetts) and into New Hampshire. The route took us through the White Mountains, which weren't white at all. People in New Hampshire are liars. I was hoping for mounds of whipped cream, but all I saw was more woods.

Still, I gotta respect their motto : "Live Free or Die." They don't have to bother with jails, I guess. Petty thieves stand up and court and demand the electric chair before being sentenced. Don't worry kids, you'll never be grounded - parents would be too afraid you'd overdose on Play-Doh rather than sit in a corner.

After crossing the border into Vermont, we stopped in quaint cafe in the village of Bethel. Either it's one of those cool little towns where everyone knows you, or that waitress was a nasty woman who won't let you order for yourself, because she told one table not to bother with the menu and their food would be out in a bit.

From there we traveled on into the Green Mountains, which were, in fact, green. However we passed signs for crossing bears, ducks, and turtles, non of which made any appearances. This was disappointing. Especially not seeing a bear. I hear when they get rabid they drool on Red Sox paraphernalia. That would have been an awesome postcard to send back to Skipper.

We finally make it up to Middlebury, where the bride's parents live (the main reason for E.'s and my road trip). There were bagels waiting for us on the kitchen counter, proving my theory that if you make a trip to see some one, they'll always feed you. The bride, who I later found out was named for an Irish myth (which is awesome), was getting her hair done in the master bedroom. I found a seat where I wouldn't be in the way and played voyeour to all the preparations.

It is a kind of an honor to watch a bride get ready for her wedding day - it's this special peek behind the scenes at all the nerves, excitement and a lovely transformation from the college bud I remember hanging out with, into a beautful lady about to embark on her most important day to date. I like to think the crude jokes and last minute suggestions (like having a wet wedding dress contest – which she would surely win) added to the ambiance.

E. was the official stylist and makeup artist, but even though I thought "clown" was the way to go, she went with the "elegant" look. After her work was done, we got ready and headed out to a beautiful park on Lake Champlain where the wedding would take place.

The ceremony itself was fantastic and very personal to the couple. Origami cranes strung to the tree branches seemed dance on the wind around where the couple made their vows. It was a truly gorgeous sight, yet I had to stifle a silly giggle. For a moment all I could think of was the end of our senior year at school, when the bride and I were both crazy over the same boy ... and look at us now, me watching her marry an entirely different guy. This warm feeling came over me, and it wasn't just the sun beating on my face ... it was appreciation for the kind of person she is. She never got catty over that college stud (I don't think she's ever gotten catty over anything), and neither of us have probably given him much thought since.
It would have been a shame to lose a friend for a possible fling, or to have missed out on such a perfect day now for a mutual crush over seven years ago.

The Great Northeast Tour of Domesticated College Friends Part 2

2009-06-29T15:29:00.005-04:00

Stop two: Massachusetts

I remove the Yankee banners from my car and E. gathered some leaves to cover the New York plates. We drove carefully with no sudden movements ... I didn't want to attract the attention of any natives. Fortunately, my car is red ... which serves as cammo in this particularly dangerous part of America's Northeast. I once saw a Red Sox fan eat a rabid grizzly bear alive simply because the animal drooled on a Sox cap.
Poor little cub.

We make our way into Framingham with little trouble - E. is an excellent navigator. She recognized Skipper's house (nickname for the boat, not the Barbie doll) from the road and directed us in.
Skipper and her beau bought the lovely suburban abode and are in the process of renovating it. They are also acting landlords, renting out the top two floors.
I find all of this very grown up and impressive. Especially since some of my fondest memories of Skipper include a lot of drinking and a teeny tiny mermaid costume ... which I think would go perfectly with the house's color scheme.

We get a grand tour and a fantastic meal (every time we stop, people feed us. Maybe that 's why I like road trips to damn much). Another set of good ol' college buds drove in from around Boston to see us as well. I-Guy and Shoe-Girl, who are yet another domsticated couple! (I actually officiated their wedding)

We all did some catching up, then broke out the Guitar Hero, of which Shoe-Girl really is. She's this sweet looking pretty blonde, but plays a mean fake guitar. I like it when people are surprising.

Things are going swimmingly (sans the seashell bra) until I sit in front of a David Ortiz life-sized stand up. I immediately punch him in the nuts.
This of course starts a barrage of baseball animosity with Skipper ... I fume and spew nonsensical remarks like "I'd hit all the Red Sox with my car if I weren't afraid they'd leave imprints of their ugly faces on my grill" – all the while smiling, cause I'd missed our ridiculous (on her side) arguments over the Sox and Yanks.
She was smiling too ... but she still hid the Ortiz stand up before going to bed. Which is really too bad, cause I had all kind of plans for that thing.

Finally after a long day of traveling, it's time for bed. I set my alarm for 5:30 (yeah - a.m.) and dream about taking a leak on the Big Green Monster.

The Great Northeast Tour of Domesticated College Friends Part 1

2009-06-29T14:27:00.008-04:00

Leave it to me to turn a simple invite as a plus one into yet another road trip adventure. This one definitely had a theme - visit old college friends (who all happen to be of the domesticated persuasion - four couples in all!)

My best gal from college, E. needed some arm candy (and wheels) for another fellow alumn's wedding in Vermont. I'm a big fan of the couple getting married and of road trips, so this was a good fit. And I know E. was looking forward to three days and two nights of my superior jokes and excellent driving. Lucky chicky.

First stop — I headed south to Yonkers where E. could take a quick train up from NYC. Why Yonkers? Another fantastic o' college bud, "Emmy" just moved there with her hubby R. into one of those sweet apartments over looking the Hudson River. I'm calling her "Emmy" because she has one! While seeing this particular domesticated pair (who continue to demonstrate how married people can still be fun) is enough to make me smile, holding on to a real Emmy award ... that was something I thought I'd never do.

I might have showed up in an evening gown
... and made a wee speech when I picked the statue up.
... and maybe switched it out 'Indiana Jones' style for a bag of marbles ....
Friends should learn how to share.

We did some catching up, ate of course, took a walk then just as a giant boulder headed towards E. and I, we jumped in the car and headed north ... by way of north west.
We sped into Connecticut ... that dreaded wasteland where people go to become terrible drivers.
One hand on the wheel, the other flipping the bird ... cause that's how you signal in Connecticut, I narrowing made it through that land of nightmare traffic ... and into a whole other terrifying place.

Next stop — Massachusetts.

The Biggest Person

2009-06-25T10:29:00.004-04:00

After sharing an interesting story about a certain relationship that has soured my friend's response was one I get quite frequently.

She shook her head in disbelief and said, "You're a bigger person than me, I would have flipped out."

Ah, yes.
The bigger person.

I'm often labeled as such.
Not because I can do no wrong, but because I am quick to apologize if I feel I've done something inappropriate. Even if it is not something that would upset me, I can't help but say "I'm sorry you feel that way because of something I did" when other people are affected by my actions.

Being the bigger person includes accepting the faults of others and realizing we can't change the way they are.

In the end, she probably over reacted because she's a drama queen.
He probably said that because of his temper.
And maybe that person put their foot in their mouth due to ignorance, not malice.

Being the bigger person is about acknowledging how little we impact the personalities of others. There is nothing we can do or say to change their ways.

Sure, we can call them horrific names, point out their hypocrisy, or refuse to ever speak with them again... but in the end they are who they are.

And yet, I can't help but wonder where we can find balance in this sort of scenario.

A place where we can weigh in as the bigger person, while also defending ourselves.

Because it seems that the more times I am hurt, or wronged, or treated unjustly... the more I hear how "big" I am.

Regardless of how small I actually feel.

Unforgivable

2009-06-18T13:05:00.003-04:00

I always thought there were certain things that were unforgivable in a relationship.

Certain words that could not be taken back, certain actions that would never be forgotten.

Because there had to be specific boundaries for what was right and what was wrong, boundaries that once ignored would change things forever.

But lately I've been wondering if there is anything that is unforgivable, should you decide the person is worth it.

It's not really about how sorry they are or how unlikely it is to occur again but instead on how accepting you are of their faults. Of how unbelievably fragile human beings can be.

The more I know about other people, the more I begin to understand what motivates them.

When their bad mood is founded in insecurity.
When their anger is just a mask for their fear.
And when they just don't know what to do with the plethora of emotions inside of them.

But in the back of my mind I keep coming back to the idea that a person's reasons may not excuse their actions.

And I can't help but wonder if those things I once deemed unforgivable no longer are...

Or if I'm simply too exhausted from trying to understand to do anything about it.

What's unforgivable for you?

5 things

2009-06-17T09:49:00.005-04:00

... that amuse me

1. Adults who use "Facebook Friend Deletion" as a means of showing people they're upset with them.

2. Exes who change so immensely after your breakup you hardly recognize them.

3. People who admit to voting for George W. Bush... twice.

4. Those who feel the anonymity of the Internet gives them the clearance to wish death, suicide, and jail-sex upon complete strangers.

5. Women who think there are reasons "he cheated" beyond the idea that he's just "A JERK."

What amuses YOU?

Nobody likes a bully

2009-06-15T17:42:00.003-04:00

Know what nobody likes?

A bully.

Some one who is so insecure, that in order to feel good about themselves they have to put others down. Like a lame elephant trying to stomp on a mouse that terrifies it, even though the elephant knows it's too big to be terrified by a mouse. So it feels stupid.

Stupid elephants.

When you work with a stupid elephant, it creates some serious added stress to your job. Especially if you're the kinda mouse that has a bit of a temper ... such that it equates to walking around with a virtual flame thrower attached to your little mouse tail that is triggered when stepped on.

The elephant may end up blistered, but the mouse is a rodent pancake. And no amount of maple syrup is gonna make that OK.

No one wins.
Unless you like roasted peanuts.

Perfect VS Passion

2009-06-11T09:26:00.002-04:00

Most of us have been in at least one of those relationships where nothing is wrong... EVER. There aren't any arguments because you agree on practically everything and when you don't neither of you wants to upset the other so you keep your mouth shut and your lips pursed for your next scheduled smooch.

And then there those relationships, so full of "passion" that nearly every discussion turns into an almost-argument. When you love and hate one another with equal measure and the conflicts themselves are as steamy as the make up aftermath.

But I can't help but wonder where the perfect balance can be found.

It seems, that like most things in life, the passion factor in relationships is all or nothing.

And if that's the case...

How much conflict is too much?

Family time

2009-06-09T18:46:00.002-04:00

I didn't realize how much my family resembled a jackpot for squirrels until I started regularly having a boyfriend around.

At first everyone is quiet ... friendly ... masters of small talk even. But by the 5th time you integrate your love with your blood, things start to get messy. Family differences become open conversation and when the loony bickering finally breaks free from their temporary grips on sanity, you find yourself inching down in your chair smiling sheepishly at your mate hoping he's too hooked to bolt for the door.

God, I wish I cooked for him more.

Regrets

2009-06-03T11:44:00.004-04:00

I like to say "I have no regrets" because it makes me sound like I've lived my life the way I've always wanted. That I've been brave and happy for much of it, that I've accepted loss with grace and integrity. I like to think that regrets are futile and the bad moments are as much a part of my personal history as the good.

But sometimes I regret.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't or had so much that my past feels like more of an open wound than a scar, still tender to memory's touch.

I regret saying yes and saying no. I regret not saying no. I regret saying I love you to him, and not saying I love you to some. I regret letting people close who proved themselves unworthy. I regret hurting him, breaking his heart, and nursing my wounds with someone new. I regret accepting people's faults more readily than they will accept mine. I regret the way I handled that, the people I told, the things I said to her, to him, to everyone. I regret keeping quiet when I wanted to cry out loud. I regret giving out my number and never picking up the phone. I regret picking up the phone every time he called. I regret the way I acted on her day because I was jealous and lonely. I regret ever feeling jealous. And lonely. I regret saying I'm sorry when I wasn't and not saying it when I was. I regret having anything to be sorry for. And I regret all the times I let him come back when I'd lost myself in his absence.

Sometimes the regret is masked in the present, dulling the pain of the past just enough to convince me that none of it matters anymore.

And then...
There are the times even future's promise can't anesthetize the ache.

Better to have loved?

2009-06-02T19:10:00.003-04:00

I go see a lot of movies.

Something about sitting in a dark room and watching imaginary people's lives unfold speaks to the creepy voyeur in me.

Once in a while, I am more than entertained or even impressed ... but moved. And, rarely does that come from an animated feature. But Pixar's Up nearly (that was a nearly) brought tears to my eyes, and has stayed with me days after viewing it.

I won't give anything away, but the very beginning plays out the life of the main character, only truly starting the story after he is an old grumpy man. But before doing so, we get glimpses of his happy existence with his wife, the love of his life, and his utter devastation when hers ends.

I really almost cried. Just the thought of building an entire lifetime around someone — then losing them and trying to find a reason to go on is beyond my shallow, wise-cracking being. I composed myself, of course, since it would ruin my reputation to be seen misty-eyed during a Disney movie of all things, (even though the Pixar label elevates the feature astronomically). Then I look over at Toughguy, who I love with all my shallow, wise-cracking heart, and experienced a momentary terror.

What if we really make it in the long run, then I lose him? Even at this point, I can't imagine life without him. (Who would keep track of my car keys?)

Is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?

I don't believe that you have to have a permanent partner to enjoy a full life of adventure and happiness, but maybe it makes it all that much more precious to have shared those experiences with one special person.

When my grandfather died, I remember watching my grandma and wondering how she'd handle living without the man she'd spent over 60 years with. I wondered, but never asked. She passed away a year ago, and I know for a fact she maintained an active social life with plenty of friends ... but did it still feel empty?
I'd like to think the pain of his loss was worth that over 60-year-long marriage. But I guess I'll never know for sure unless I go through it myself.
Terrifying.

Couples therapy

2009-05-27T10:02:00.006-04:00

I watched my parents relationship cycle between hot and cold for two decades.
They either loved one another passionately or ignored one another... or worse.
Their reality taught me a few things about relationships but namely one glaring truth.

They are not easy.

And while we'd like to say, "It's different this time!" and "You know he's the one when it comes EASY," the reality of the situation is that the beginning is what comes with ease.

But over time, issues arise.
There's conflicting views on hot topics, the idea that creating boundaries is necessary, but that you each have your own idea of what they should be.
And eventually there's the realization that you've allowed a whole person into your life, not just the parts you so easily fell in love with.

So what's a couple to do when their relationship-love-cycle is hovering mostly over unhappiness?

If the conflicts seem too great, or the good times are only a memory, many couples agree to therapy in an attempt to find the happiness they once shared when things were easy.

But I wonder...

Is therapy the answer?

Or is it just evidence of two people who aren't committed enough to leave a failing relationship?

What to do for HER birthday

2009-05-22T11:41:00.004-04:00

With the entirety of the Odd Couple celebrating birthdays next week, it's only natural that we discuss some ways to woo your woman on her special day.

1. Give her a reason to dress up.
While you don't need to lay a new gown out on the bed for her to put on, it's always nice to have a reason to skip the jeans and put on something a little sexier. So take her somewhere you've never been before, preferably a place that is a little more glamorous.

2. Homemade greetings rather than Hallmark has-beens.
Sure, you'll "love her forever" and want her to "enjoy her special day" but creating your own little note will bring a bigger smile to her face than ol' Hallmark any day.

3. Take her where SHE wants to go.
For me, this means an amusement park, where I can bring in the big 2-7 while on a roller coaster or at the tippy top of a ferris wheel. But it's different for every woman, so don't assume she wants something unless you ASK HER first.

Men: What have YOU done for your lady's birthday in the past that went over really well (or not so much;)

And ladies: What were some of the best/worst birthdays you've celebrated???

What To Do for the Boyfriend's Birthday

2009-05-20T18:12:00.003-04:00

So my Toughguy's B'day is approaching.
It's been a while since I've been in a relationship, and even longer since I've had a boy's birthday to worry about. I wonder what the etiquette is ... why hasn't anyone made some kind of handbook you can follow? Especially for when you're dating the "I don't care, whatever, don't make a big deal about me" species of man.

Which I hear is rather common.

Do I throw him a bash? Shower him with gifts, or just make the man a meal?

Do I have to dress sexy and be nice all day?

I was thinking of renting a bouncy castle full of bosommy bikini-clad bimbos and mud-slinging monkeys ... but this really should be a gift for him, not me.

What do other people do?

Different guys, same name

2009-05-18T13:36:00.000-04:00

I've never dated a John.
John is my brother's name. It is also the name of my grandfather and 2 cousins (and a 2nd cousin and a great uncle).
I just can't see fireworks happening if every time I say a guy's name, I think of a family reunion.

Looking back, there's been three Michaels, three Ryans and three Jameses ... that's kinda gross too. I mean, if your dating history reads like a Foreman family tree, things can get real confusing.

I used to just refer to them with whatever nickname my father gave them ... like "I Wanna Jetski," "Keebler Elf," "Dope Boy," or for his 'favorite' "That Boy."
But unfortunately, most of those couldn't be said to the guy's face. So I like to give each one their own pet name. But that doesn't always stick.
Fido and Fetch never really cared for theirs ...

Are there "names" that you date repeatedly? Or maybe ones you steer away from?

Who is this whale and where is my girlfriend??

2009-05-15T13:23:00.004-04:00

How do you tell your girlfriend she's getting fat? (Without making her want to kill you OR herself.)
Is there even a way?
I've had guy friends ask me this and there's never really been a good answer.

Suggestions I usually give that they should use:
Suggest you go to the gym together.
Plan to hike (or another fun active date) a couple times a week.
Cook healthy meals together.

Suggestions I want to give that they shouldn't use:
"Honey I miss your neck, could you get rid of a couple extra chins?"
"You have the arms of a jumbo jet, but you're not going anywhere!"
"Can I use your rolls to file my bills?"

No matter what you say, the person is going to be hurt and offended. Except... most of us are prone to gaining "comfort weight" when in a relationship. You got the prize, right? They'll love you no matter what, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe YOU won't be so happy with so much "extra you" rolling around in the shower, inadvertently cleaning the slippery tile walls with your spongy hull.
Don't drop the soap, Titanic ... you'll never be able to get back up.

I gotta tell you, I've stacked on at least 10 lbs. of "comfort" .... which is, in fact, more comfortable to sit on, but harder to lift off the couch. And before I have to use Andre the Giant's shoe horn to get me into my Toyota, maybe I need a kick in the gelatinous mass that is my money maker ....

Maybe it IS OK to let your lover know there's starting to be "more to love" ... for their own good. For their happiness and health. Not because you just got done drooling over the Olsen twins ... which really, only dogs drool over bones that have no meat (right before they bury them in the backyard) ... but because you love them, and think that they would want the push be heathly.

But try the first three suggestions first ... and of course, I'd love to hear some others ...

Flipping my switch

2009-05-14T13:08:00.003-04:00

Top Turn Offs
1. Bad Breath
Sure, halitosis happens, but there is an entire industry geared at creating fresh pearly whites. If someone can't bother to pop an Altoid in their mouth, they might be lacking motivation in other areas as well.

2. Lacking patience
If your date is grumbling about the long line at the movie theater, or rolling their eyes when they're stopped at a red light, then their mood will affect your night, and not in a good way.

3. Ill-fitting clothing
We're not all super models, but that doesn't mean there aren't clothes out there that will flatter your figure. Throw out the jeans from sophomore year and buy a pair that fit. We don't want to see what color socks you're wearing (or underwear for that matter;)

4. Not-eating-carbs!
Nothing ruins a date at Olive Garden faster than asking for a menu without pasta.

5. A wandering eye
Yes, there are a million fish in the sea, and at least half of them are attractive. But that doesn't mean you have to LOOK.

Top Turn Ons

1. Confidence
A guy who exudes confidence in spite of his protruding belly is much more attractive than the guy with a six pack who stresses about carbs.

2. A smile
Extra points if you can laugh about something others might stress about.

3. A good vocabulary
Tell her she's stunning instead of "pretty" and use words like "svelte" instead of "skinny" after all that hard work at the gym.

4. Integrity
Nothing is more attractive than the married guy who ACTS MARRIED even when his wife isn't around.

5. Decisiveness
Knowing what you want and how you want it is the ultimate in sexiness, whether it's just plans for dinner or plans for the future.

What are YOUR turn ons/offs?

Little Girl Dreams

2009-05-12T12:22:00.003-04:00

Unlike Chrissie, I didn't play "house" when I was a wee chick. I'd play "explorer" in the woods ... making trails and discovering plants and animals in the wilderness ... or "indians" with my brother – we'd build wigwams and make bows and arrows out of the big weeping willow tree in the backyard. So early thoughts on marriage or having children were vacant from my leaf and dirt covered head.

But I was not immune to pre-adolescent crushes. Oh no – as tough as I was, I was oh so smitten as a tyke. We didn't go to the same elementary school ... which was devastating at first. I wished and wished with all of my little girl heart that that would change.

Then it came true. When I got to 4th grade his family moved and we were finally in the same school. Because, you know, going to a different school is like being in a different universe (as home and school is your entire world as a child).

So we were aquainted again in elementary school ...
We went to the same high school ...
Even the same college ...
My little girl wish had come true ...

... But in all that wishing and little girl hoping, it never occured to me to wish that he'd turn out straight.

So, little ones wish away, it just might come true.
But be specific ... or the joke will be on you.

Growing up

2009-05-11T09:48:00.005-04:00

I wanted to be a single mom.

Seriously.

Growing up, I didn't play "house" the way normal little girls did.

While they cooked meals in their plastic kitchens waiting for their husbands to return home with monopoly money, I raised a Popple and a Nosey Bear all by myself.

My little girl dreams were that one day I'd be a mom at the very same time my sister would be a mom and we'd raise those kids together, without men at all.

I dreamt that we'd live together in an extra large raised ranch and that somehow we'd share the same name. We'd be "Sis and Sis" and change our last name to "Burtingain" simply because it sounded good.

And looking back, I realize my dreams for adulthood never fit the standard plan.

Married by 26.
Kids by 28.
Finished by 30?

At the time you could say my alternative plans were based on childhood immaturity. We didn't have any brother's to play the "man of the house," and neither my sister nor myself wanted to don a fake mustache and pretend to be "Dad."

But regardless of our reasons, now it seems that those little girl dreams were wise beyond their years.

Perhaps it was the "finished by 30" thing that terrified me into fantasies of single-motherhood and raising popples rather than real children.

Or maybe it was an all-too-early realization that you can't really count on anyone to be there besides yourself.

And maybe your family
However out-of-the-ordinary they can sometimes seem.

Because I knew no matter how many furry-big-nosed babies I'd pop(ple) out, my sister would be there to help me.

There was no Mr. and Mrs.

Just Sis and Sis.

What were YOUR little-kid dreams?

Top 10 Reasons He’s Not The Guy For You

2009-05-08T10:01:00.001-04:00

(According to Chrissie Lynn)

1. He’s too jealous.
I’m not talking about the guy who doesn’t want you flirting shamelessly with everyone in the room. I’m talking about the guy who is jealous of your lasting friendships, your time spent away from him, or how much you love your job. If he can’t be happy to see YOU happy, then he’s just not the one.

2. He flirts with your friends.
If he’s new to the social circle and no one from the outside can tell who he’s actually with, then he’s not yours either.

3. He won’t commit… in public
If he’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde depending on the company, then don’t believe anything he says to you privately. While some guys aren’t too fond of PDAs, if he’s pretending you're “just buddies” when his are around, he’s not taking your relationship seriously.

4. He thinks you’re someone you’re not.
Whether he thinks you’re a crazy sex goddess or a virtuous virgin, giving him the wrong idea early could set the two of you up for disaster in the future. The right guy wants to see who you really are, not how well you fit his idea of perfection.

5. He’s not proud of you.
If you strive for success only to be met with indifference when you accomplish something you’ve fought hard for, then kick him to the curb. The right guy wants to see you succeed and wants to motivate you, he’s not more interested in what’s for dinner than what your goals are.

6. He disappears when things aren’t perfect.
Sure, it’s easier to run away when things aren’t going well, but you want a guy who will be there in the great and the not-so-great times. If he’s MIA with his cell phone turned off every time there’s a problem, then he’s showing you how little you can rely on him.

7. He insults other women.
If he thinks she’s a “ho” and she’s a “b*tch” and he hasn’t talked to his own mother in 20 years, then run far, far away. His relationships with other women indicate the kind of partner he is, and will be in the future. If he wants a personal maid or plaything, he’s not the guy for you.

8. He’s “never really been single.”
If his past is a string of quick, monogamous relationships that never went anywhere, find out WHY. Maybe those women were put off when they realized he was so easy to please, ANY WOMAN could do it.

9. He's too much your opposite.
If you need constant snuggles and he's Mr. Aloof, it's only a matter of time before one of you feels overwhelmed or neglected.

10. He's the guy you've dated "off and on for years."
If he's the guy for you, he's not the guy you've left repeatedly. Bad habits are hard to break and men can be no different.

I'm a text machine

2009-05-06T17:31:00.000-04:00

I'm a texter.

I actually get a little annoyed when I text someone a question, then they have the NERVE to phone me with a reply.

I'm awkward on the phone. I hate leaving voice mails. As soon as I say "hi" I immediately sound like a tool. And not a cool tool like a jackhammer ... more like the little allen wrench that comes with your Ikea bookcase. You know — the one you lose immediately after assembly.

I like face-to-face conversations, don't get me wrong. I even muster up the occasional interesting contribution. And, then there are the far off friends that check in every now and again ... which is appreciated ... unlike the crook in my neck that sets in halfway through the chat.

My boyfriend doesn't have texting on his phone. Not just, "he hates texting" ... which he does, calling it, and I quote "the constant abbreviation and degradation of the English language ... I hate that it is being bastardized for convenience."
(To which I replied "I happen to like both bastards and convenience.")
... but his phone plan won't allow him to receive or send them. So ... if I want to say "Hi, Toughguy" ... or, "I'll meet you in 20 minutes" ... or "we're out of scotch"... I have to CALL him. And have a conversation. EVERY time.

Horrifying. And you know my voicemail messages are retarded. "Uh ... hi, this is Sten ... just calling to say I'm a allen wrench and we should hang out later so you can make fun of me for stating who I am, even though we see eachother every day and you know what my voice sounds like. Uhh... bye! Um call me back, uh if you want ... oh crap hell dammit." click.

Now, on the other hand, I do like that he calls me. I like hearing his voice on the phone in the middle of a bad day. I like that I even know what his "phone voice" sounds like. There is something nice about a man taking the time to pick up the phone and call you.
I just wish I didn't have to take the time ... all the time.

Top 10 reasons he's not the guy for you (from my personal experience)

2009-05-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

#1 You don't really have anything to talk about.
Maybe the sex is great, but you can't hold a conversation to save your life. I once dated a guy for a while, but there never was much to say. We went to two out-of-town weddings together and I dreaded both car rides. Roadway signs never seemed so fascinating as when I was stuck in the car with that guy ...

#2 There's no passion.
Maybe the conversation is OK, but staying with him is like a 8 year old's sleepover (not the Michael Jackson variety) I had a boy once for 6 months... the last two of which we were just buddies hanging out. If one or both of you are lacking that desire, there's a problem.

#3 He doesn't look at you like you're the prettiest girl in the room anymore.
I was once out with a guy and he leaned in close like he was going to kiss me or whisper something sweet ... then he told me I should think about trimming my nose hairs. We didn't last long after that.

#4 You don't see eye-to-eye on what's important.
You don't have to agree about everything, in fact, it can be fun getting into a heated debate — but you really should agree on what matters most to you. (Religion, children, politics, board games ...)

#5 He doesn't make or keep plans with you.
I once dated a guy that made it really difficult to find times to see each other, then, often, when we made plans, he'd cancel. He was still seeing his "ex."

#6 He's got that wandering eye.
There's something exciting about nabbing the most charismatic guy in the room ... but not if he's being charismatic with every one but you.

#7 You can't open up to each other.
I've dating a few guys that I like a lot, but never felt comfortable confiding in, or even discussing how I felt about them (mushy OR mad). If you're in a relationship, you should feel like you can tell them anything.

#8 You both constantly keep track of "who owes who."
Whether it's money or favors, you should do something for some one because you want to, not because you want something in return. On the other hand, don't take advantage of each other.

#9 You don't make each other laugh.
I dated a guy for 2 years that didn't think I was funny. That was horrible. Go for the one that makes you smile, and that you make smile. Then you'll be smiling together.

#10 He tries to change you.
We're all fixer-uppers, true, but how can you be happy with some one if you're hiding who you really are and what you really want?
I smoke. I drink scotch. I love comic books, video games and bad superhero movies. Sometimes I fart and I wear high heels to walk in the park. I am ridiculous, silly and sometimes rude. I laugh at my own jokes and am a terrible loser. And finally, after 14 years of dating, I'm happy about all of that, hopefully he is too.

Delete confirmation

2009-05-01T10:40:00.004-04:00

If you’ve read any piece of writing geared at how to mend your broken heart post-breakup, there is one steadfast rule you will repeatedly find.

NO CONTACT.

You’re supposed to say goodbye to your former love and practice a life of no contact because it's impossible to get over him/her if they are still igniting all 5 of your senses.

And I’m sure, many, many years ago, NC wasn’t that hard for most people. It meant not answering the phone and hoping no one would show up on your doorstep with flowers and yet another, “I’m sorry.”

But what are the brokenhearted supposed to do now that technology has made NC so much more difficult?

You can’t just leave the land-line off the hook anymore.

Now you have to delete their number from your phone, call up Verizon and ask that they block all incoming text messages, delete them on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, change the privacy settings on your blog so they can no longer send apologetic comments for the world to see and you’ll have to ask your Gmail account to kindly move their textual advances into the TRASH, please.

And then… After a magnum of wine and a glance at your relationship scrapbook you’ll have to TRUST YOURSELF not to call them. Or Facebook them. Or Myspace, email, twitter, blogg-er, AIM them.

Instead of just taking the phone off the hook and locking the front door, you’ll have to remove yourself from the technological triggers that turn a normal, confident person into a blubbering mess of shorthand confined to 140 characters or less.

Because it’s hard enough to forget a former love, but their status updates make it harder still.

Going grey

2009-04-29T16:41:00.002-04:00

It seems going grey is top of the list of things that make us feel old ... even if you're still in your 20's like I am.

I started dying my hair when I was 14 ... and pretty much tried everything but blue. About a year ago I was sick of the chameleon shenanigans and decided to go natural ... which unfortunately, by that point, turned out to be grey.

Crap.

So, I'm back to dye jobs to cover up my tinsel head. But that's me — some one who's accustomed to beauty in a box. What about those who never experimented with their locks? Are guys less inclined to color their hair? Silver foxes certainly still seem to get their fair share of action, so why bother?

How much salt gets into your pepper before you take the plunge? Or do you leave it?

Getting Old

2009-04-28T16:00:00.004-04:00

According to a recent study, old age begins at 27!!!

And with the big 2-7 just around the corner for me, I can't help but feel a little gray in spite of my still blond locks.

Maybe it's because I just read that article and now know I don't have the same mental capabilities I did say... 6 months ago.

Or maybe I feel old because...

1. I'm wearing a ring on my left hand.
2. I enjoy spending time in the kitchen.
3. I recently uttered the phrase, "I need an apron!" and meant it.
4. I spent the day at Adam's wishing I knew how to start a flower garden.
5. I no longer Google "Top 10 Reasons Not To Get Married," and instead ponder the "Top 10 Ways Botox Enhances Your Life."
6. I met a gal for drinks, and ordered ONE. The. Entire. Night.
7. I prefer "mom jeans" to previously adored "low-rise."
8. I now think an evening on my back porch with a good book sounds a lot better than a night in the back of the bar with a good looking boy.
9. I know the meanings of words like "sconce" and "bistro" and use them frequently.
10. I'd rather spend my last 20 bucks at The Christmas Tree Shop than at Shadows on the Hudson.

What makes YOU feel OLD?

How much skin is too much?

2009-04-27T14:20:00.003-04:00

People can gross you out with too much info about their sex life ... physical health, you name it. The same could be said about too big a glimpse at their flesh. In public. I'm not just talking about girlies showing midriff here ... I'm talking turn away and shudder, or lose your lunch.

While I was away on the Great Road Trip I saw an example of TMB (too much boob ... chick swimming in a sheer white t-shirt ... sans bra ... which maybe was hot, but I was both blinded by her headlights and so terrified of her nipples poking out my eyes I had to look away.)
And then there was TMC (too much crack ... middle aged mama sporting low-rise jeans perched in a bar stool ... and yeah, there was butt-to-chair-action, so much was hanging out. It was like a front row seat overlooking the San Andreas fault.)

Then I witnessed (with great amusement) a portly stand-up comedian reveal his next Halloween costume. Michael Phelps ... as in his ample frame shirtless and wedged into a speedo. Funny, yes ... but still .. that was a lot of flesh.

Does this kind off thing gross you out? How much skin is too much for public eyes? (outside of a beach of course...)

Road trip, part 4 "The Big Easy"

2009-04-24T13:51:00.003-04:00

At last we had arrived.

I lived in Florence, Italy for a semester in college. The old European architecture took my breath away and the artists lining the sidewalks were a constant inspiration. No American city had since compared ... until I strolled through the narrow streets of New Orleans' French Quarter.

What's more, in all the traveling I've done, it's never been with a boyfriend. I gotta admit, though I relish in my independence, there's something to be said about having that special someone to share a beautiful experience with. (I'm not talking about sex, you pervs)

We had an awesome Creole dinner at a brewery. Creole food is great. Beer is great. New Orleans is great. Wonderful combination. So, naturally I got drunk.
The French Quarter is still beautiful at night ... but those cobblestones can be shifty little buggers after a couple drinks. One of them actually leaped from the road and called me a lightweight in French. Those are fighting words to a scotch-o-holic. And, just because I was wearing a second-hand beret does NOT mean I speak silly French.
The French. Oh great ignorers of consonants. Gluttons for excessive letters ... only pronouncing half of them.
After a lazy (stumbly) stroll along the Mississippi, it was time to catch a nap and await news from Chuckles, the dear friend we had traveled to see in the Big Easy, who would be arriving around 2 a.m.

I awake with a start at 5 a.m., panicked at not hearing from Chuckles. Had something happened? Toughguy wakes up as well, also alarmed. We hear a snap of the fingers and look over at Mohawk - still in sleep position, save for his arm in the air, finger pointing at the floor.

And there lay Chuckles. Looking like one of Fagan's kids curled up at the foot of our bed. It was as if some hobo Easter Bunny had left us a present. I briefly considered looking for where the chocolate eggs were hidden, but decided instead to let him sleep.

Squeeky was named our unofficial guide, having been to New Orleans a couple times, she knew the best places to hit up for food and wonderment. First off, she steered us to a café, where we enjoyed coffee and beignets at a cafe, checked out cool shops and ran smack into the Easter Parade. Where we were attacked by locals armed with strings of plastic beads. This was nothing compared to the Gay Easter Parade that we lucked into a bit later. Drag queens, assless chaps, costumes and make up galore! It was quite the spectacle ... and they too, we armed with strands of merriment to be flung at onlookers.
Mohawk was a prominent target, sporting his "fin of flamboyance", he was a beacon for the coolest beads. By the end of the two parades he was so weighed down by his trinkets, Toughguy had to carry him on his shoulders. I have to say, they made a pretty good-looking couple. And the buddy swap made us all fit in better.
Except that every five feet people were stopping Mohawk, asking to take pictures of him (his hair) and how he made it stand up (his hair). I told him he should start charging, and that would be our booze money.

This was a good day. There was no driving. We found Chuckles. I'd keep looking at him and smiling, incredulous as to how we all made it there in one piece and got to spend a couple precious days with someone I missed so dearly.

Clothing is optional

2009-04-23T14:17:00.004-04:00

Sometimes we just want to feel pampered. And in spite of the horrible economy and the fear of furloughs, sometimes a girl just needs to get rubbed.

By a professional of course.

But on my infrequent trips to the spa I've realized that relaxing the right way is an art form, and while the first massage or facial is supposed to be luxurious and relaxing, not knowing the "spa rules" is sometimes cause for embarrassment and tense muscles rather than the desired outcome of feeling refreshed.

So for those of you who have yet to get rubbed, by a professional of course, here are the things I've learned along the way.

1. Clothing is optional.
Most places recommend that you receive your spa services in the nude, they will place towels/blankets around you to make sure you're at a comfortable temperature. But if you're shy or prefer to wear something, a bikini for women and shorts for men is probably the best option. ***Keep in mind that co-ed areas of the spa usually require clothing, so the robe and bathing suit help***

2. Gratuity is MORE than appreciated.
While you might double the tax for your friendly server at a restaurant, spa etiquette usually encourages a 18% to 30% tip for the person performing your treatment. These are trained professionals who may have spent years perfecting their craft, they expect a little more than a thank you.

3. You can say "OW."
Every person prefers a different amount of pressure for their massage or perhaps a different scent for their facial mist. Don't be afraid to let them know if they are hurting you or you can't stand the smell of lavender. After all you're paying them well.

4. Get in bed.
You're given a few minutes to yourself once inside the room where your treatment will take place. Use this time to get cozy under the covers and wait for instructions as to which way you should lay/move for best results when they return. It's easy to panic and believe, "They will think I'm a fool if I'm face down when I should be face up!" But as someone who puts her johnny coat on backwards every time she's at the doctor, trust me when I say they must be used to this.

Whether it's the spa rules, proper wine pouring, or figuring out which fork is for what course, sometimes we find ourselves feeling embarrassed. But if I've learned anything in my life as a country girl it's that the only way to know the rules, is to ask the right questions. (And the Google search of course;)

Have you ever found yourself in a "new world" of luxury and worried there were rules you weren't aware of?

Road trip, part 3 "Great BBQ, a Rocket, and the Nastiest Bathroom ever!"

2009-04-21T14:00:00.011-04:00

It is amazing what some sleep and a free breakfast can do for a travel-weary soul. Bright-eyed and refreshed, we were ready to explore "Music City."
I'm no country music fan, but that didn't keep Nashville from being a worthwhile stop. On a quest for cheap cigarettes, we stumbled on a fantastic vintage shop run by a hippie with a thick southern drawl.
He was awesome. He asked if I thought he had a heavy accent. I pretended I couldn't understand him. Then I bought a 1930's beret.

Stomachs rumbling, it was time to find some food. Southern food. Damn good BBQ to be exact.
We ditched the car back at the hotel (after a couple wrong turns ... but really, I look at that as more sight-seeing) and walked along this beautiful pedestrian bridge over the Cumberland River. This took us straight into downtown Nashville ... which led us to Jack's BBQ. It looked like a hole in the wall, but served up the BEST BBQ pulled pork sandwich I've ever had. By the time we were done eating they had a dinner line out the door. I smugly walked by the waiting cowboys, smacking my lips and rubbing my full tummy. Suckers.

We checked out cowboy boot shops ... where I must have been hypnotized by the bolo ties sashaying in the wind. I suddenly had the urge to buy a hat, boots and poncho and make an entrance like Bill Murray in 'Ground Hog Day'.
Fortunately the price tags snapped me out of it, and, in any case, we had to get back to the hotel to try out the FAMOUS GUITAR SHAPED POOL!
This was fun, except it was filled with children and mysteriously salty water. I say "mysteriously" because I didn't want to accept the obvious.
Not to mention I didn't have more then a minute to ponder the salination issue before I was blinded by some serious headlights ... or flying saucers ...
No ... it was a busty girl swimming in a white t-shirt. I think she took a wrong turn on her way to Cancun. I'm no prude, but really, is that how 5 yr old boys and girls should learn about puberty? From a wet t-shirt contestant in a piss and sweat-saturated guitar shaped pool?
None-the-less, the musical swimming excursion was a novelty, as was being in a pool in March (where I believe it was around 40° F back home - HA!).

In the morning we headed out for the next stop: Birmingham, Alabama. It felt good to be back on the road ... especially since New Orleans was a mere 8 hours away.
Alabama is beautiful. Flowers and green everywhere ... rolling hills ... and a big ol' rocket greets you at the first rest stop after the state line. A truly impressive phallic structure ... It must have spotted Miss Cancun from the night before. We spent some time at the Korean War monument so we could say we took in some history. Then we continued on to Birmingham in search of fried food, grits and gravy. Which we found and it was deliscious.

From Alabama we ventured into Mississippi. Another dead zone. Alabama had felt welcoming and warm. Mississippi was a wee bit terrifying. There was a pick-up truck sporting a bumper sticker that read "Does my American flag offend you, call 1-800-LEAVE-USA" ... that was a little bit awesome. I slowed the car down so Mohawk could snap a pic ... then sped off as the driver aimed his shotgun.
Really needing a bathroom, and still a couple hours a way, we made a stop in Lumberton. Don't ever do this. There isn't a whole lot there, 'cept for the nastiest restroom I've ever seen. The walls were corroding. The water was brown. The floor was blanketed with some sort of insect ... I believe the scientific name is grossious runneth foryourlifeth, and only most of them were dead.

Finally we got on a bridge that takes you into New Orleans. It just might be the longest in the world. Beside the one we were on, you can see the bridge that was toppeled by Hurricane Katrina. There is still so much damage down there, it served as a sobering reminder that although we were on this fun adventure to find Chuckles, we were traveling in an area still reeling from some serious tragedy.

With the help of my sometimes reliable GPS, I navigated through a series of one way streets and a sketchy neighborhood until ... there it was, our hotel. In New Orleans. After about 28 hours on the road and two whole days, total, since leaving Poughkeepsie, we had reached our desination.

So, just one question remained .... where was Chuckles?

Road trip, part 2 "Heading South"

2009-04-21T08:08:00.001-04:00

Like all great journey's, our rag-tag foursome got a late, but uneventful start.
Punctuality is for the weak, and not to mention, we had a whole 24 hours to make it to Nashville where a hotel room would be waiting for our travel-weary bodies.
And weary they would be.

We sped out of New York on I-84 and into the perpetual "farm scents" of Pennsylvania. (Seriously, why does the entire state always smell of poo?)
Needing gas, food and a car laptop adapter we were seduced by signs for a Wal-Mart and a Sheetz. (There is something so white-trashilicious about making your first road trip-stop at a Wal-Mart.) Now, a Sheetz, for those of you who don't know, is a gas station/fast food stop where you put your food order into a computer (with a full color interactive picture menu), pay, then pick up your food. Fantastic.
Even more fantastic was driving past the "War College," complete with a training site made up to look like a war-zone with helicopters and fox holes. I didn't know such a place existed! I want to enroll there and major in "grenade launching," with a minor in "walkie-talkie." I wonder if you play a game of "Risk" as the entrance exam.

From Pennsylvania, we trekked into the Maryland panhandle. How can such a small state go on for so long? We stopped for dinner in a lil city called "Cumberland," where the fountains were filled surprisingly with Tang, not milk. But they did have tasty Maryland crab cakes.

Soon after Cumberland, we entered the DEAD ZONE many know as West Virginia. No phone. No GPS ... and the wee overnight hours were just beginning. (Which is unfortunate, because I've driven through the DEAD ZONE during the day, and it was quite lovely.) We made a quick stop at a delightfully sketchy gas station - fueled up, held my nose in the rank rest stop bathroom and continued on. (Important note - it was still cold outside, but the DEAD ZONE was the first stop where everyone had Southern accents. This was encouraging. Oh, and the speed limit was 70 mph! Crazy!)

Kentucky is a blur. I was getting tired behind the wheel ... it was pitch black, and VERY early in the morning. I remember passing a castle all lit-up. It was beautiful, but out-of-place. We drove through some of Lexington. Gassed up, grabbed coffee and a snack ... Tennessee was just a few hours away.

Then the sky opened up. Walls of rain pummeled the road and my poor little car. The bullying winds threatened to veer us off into the, now muddy, bluegrass fields. Awesome conditions when you're half asleep ... of course nothing wakes you up like unbridled fear. I remember thinking we were so close to Nashville (our dry hotel room), then seeing a sign that we were still 2 hours away.
That was a bad feeling. Then a truck tried to merge into my door. That was worse.

Finally, the sun began to rise. The rain was dying down, and we passed the sign I'd been dying to see "Welcome to Nashville."

The hotel took us in early. They had complimentary breakfasts and a guitar shaped-pool. That sign might as well have said "Welcome to Heaven."

Road trip, part 1 "The Plan"

2009-04-20T13:00:00.007-04:00

My dear friend, Chuckles has a great sideshow act built on charm, skills, props and just enough "crazy" to pull it all together.
A little over a month ago, he packed his worldly possessions up in his car, scoffed at life (the way most of us live it) and hit the road to perform his act across the country.

God did I envy him just a little bit.

What if you could just say "screw it all?" Leave the old 9-5er job behind and see what's out there? I wanted just a little taste of that ... so I planned a road trip to intercept him in a city I've always wanted to see ... New Orleans.

The plan:
1) Head to Nashville, making random stops on the way.
2) After resting in "Music City," continue to Birmingham Ala.
3) Get out of Mississippi as soon as possible, make way to New Orleans.
4) Find Chuckles.
5) Drive straight back to Poughkeepsie to get to work on time.

The cohorts:
1) My boyfriend, Toughguy, the muscle in case we get into trouble.
2) Mohawk, the entertainment to keep spirits up during the long trek.
3) Squeeky, the common sense so we don't die.
4) Me, Untiring long distance driver, and owner of road trip vehicle.

Supplies:
Antacids. Southern and Creole food can be rough on our sensitive northern stomachs.
Deodorant. It's warmer in the South ... and it's a long ride in a small car.
Ear plugs. We all snore.
Nose plugs. We all fart.
North/South dictionary. None of use speak Southern fluently.
Cross and bible. Disguise ... just in case.

No stings attached

2009-04-16T13:48:00.005-04:00

I often look at "fanatics" with a bit of amusement.

Their certainty, whether it be in their religion or what they feel is the "right path" to salvation, is entirely unrealistic and enviable. They have a faith that exists regardless of proof, regardless of lacking tangible evidence, and they are effortlessly without any doubt.

And if we evaluate the beginning of most romantic relationships we can see that same conviction.
As infatuation envelopes us and we begin to love, our doubts subside.

Because we think we're different.
We think this relationship is unlike all the rest.
Because this. is. it.

And then, something happens to change our certainty.
However small or grand the occurrence the result is the same. We begin to have doubts.

The first loose thread in an otherwise perfect relationship.

The doubt unravels our certainty.
Creating a small hole in the very fabric of our connection that only gets bigger with time.

Because our expectations are no longer in harmony with our experience.

And instead of being full of love and anticipation, we're reduced to a mess of loose strings.

Attached... to nothing.

Our gift

2009-04-09T10:22:00.003-04:00

Gift giving usually comes without the need for compensation. It's meant to make the recipient happier, appreciative, and validated without any need for reciprocity.

But what if we consider that giving is a gift in itself?

In romantic relationships we give ourselves, our love, as a gift. And in that moment we drop our defenses and at once allow those we've bestowed with affection the opportunity to hurt us.

Because those gifts of giving love are wrapped tightly in vulnerability.
Once the paper has been torn, once the recipients hold our hearts in their hands, there is no amount of repackaging that could get them back to their original form.

And instead of just a "thank you" these offerings are received with an acknowledgment that our feelings are theirs to handle, however gently or roughly they decide.

But like any other gift, our expectations should not be for the return, but for the satisfaction of giving, at all.

An exchange of love for humanity.
Always, unrequited.

Hooking up

2009-04-07T11:14:00.005-04:00

We know there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Our closest friends will fill us full of vodka and take us out on the town to prove that for every man you've dated, there's at least 100 who you haven't (although in Poughkeepsie, the ratio might be more of a 1/10;).

In any case while single and looking, or single and being told to look, we're faced with the question of whether or not to "hook up" with our newest catch. And perhaps more importantly, when.

According to this author, "Hookups can be damaging to young women, denying their emotional needs, putting them at risk of depression and even sexually transmitted disease, and making them ill-equipped for real relationships later on."

Apparently the "hooking up" culture isn't meant for women. Many fear that if they spend too much time "in search of a career" that they will inevitably "miss out on love" and end up alone and diseased.

But the reality of the situation is that hooking up has always been a man's game.
A game in which women were active participants, but also those who would never win the trophy.

Because in spite of all those fish in the sea...

We're under the impression that women can't take the hook's bait without the emotional strings attached.

Tic toc

2009-04-03T13:53:00.002-04:00

There is a huge epidemic that is being ignored. Apparently women over 25 develop time-keeping growths in their uterus... yet there is no surgical help available to these poor women.

Horrific I know.

Imagine walking around like you have a clock ticking in your core ... you can't sleep... can't even think over the endless clicks every second. And the worst part? I'm 28 ... so I MUST have one, but I don't feel it at all!

Why don't I hear it like so many of my friends? Maybe it's drowned out by the time bomb in my lungs, or the miniature Sumo wrestler bouncing on the scotch-filled water balloon that is my liver.

This is all new to me ... so I don't really understand how it works... except that I have a certain amount of time to get married and have children until ... um... well ... that part is fuzzy.

What is the countdown for exactly? Infertility? The magical time when I finally won't look like a crime scene once a month? Cause I'm not sure why women dread that. I guess the next time I'm doubled-over in crampy pain I should praise the lord for punishing me for being a constant sin-encourager to weak-willed men.

Poor dears. I am an evil temptress.

And really, if you want offspring so badly after your clock runs out of batteries you can always adopt. There are starving children in Connecticut in desperate need of a home where you can purchase beer after 8:00 at night.
Talk about being against a clock.

You're Just Not That Into HIM

2009-04-02T10:13:00.004-04:00

I sometimes think women spend too much time stressing over how much the new guy in their life "likes them."

They immediately wonder when he doesn't call back how invested in the relationship he is.

They spend time obsessing about why he "disappeared after one perfect date!"

And they consider all the things they may have said to turn him off.

But the reality of the situation is that they are focusing on HIS FEELINGS rather than THEIR OWN.

So the next time a gal is sipping her martini and wondering why he hasn't called her back, perhaps she should consider if she wants to be with a man WHO IS RUDE. A man who ISN'T BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE HONEST or CAPABLE OF HANDLING A SITUATION LIKE AN ADULT.

Maybe if we spent more time going after what we want instead of just being satisfied with him wanting us then we'll be grateful when Mr. Almost-Good-Enough blows us off.

Because with every unexplained dismissal he is doing us a favor by showing the kind of man he is.

Exactly the kind, we don't want in our lives... at all.

Is timing everything?

2009-03-31T08:08:00.000-04:00

Has anyone ever said to you "I really like you but the timing isn't right." Then proceed to list circumstances of their life that make it "impossible" for you to date?

Like if they say "My job is really demanding ... I don't have time for a relationship" what they're really saying is "I don't WANT to make time for you."

Or

"I just got out of a relationship, I'm not ready to commit" really means they're still looking for something better.

Or

"I love you, but I'm moving to Yemen, and I think the distance is too much" means they are most likely gay and have every episode of 'Friends' memorized.

I've told guys stupid crap like "I'm not interested in dating, I'm going through an asexual phase" which meant "I'm not attracted to you." And, "I need to stop seeing you and make more time for my art." Which is a big smelly load that actually meant, "you aren't doing anything wrong, but I don't have feelings for you anymore."
One time, because nothing else had worked, I told a guy that we had to end it or a giant panda bear would fall from the sky and reak havok on Poughkeepsie ... which translated to, "I would rather be taken away in a straight jacket than have to spend another second with you."

It's hard to tell someone that you aren't interested ... especially when it's "not interested ANYMORE." You blunder around the truth trying not to hurt people anymore than you have to.
So, I think the "time wasn't right rationale is all bullcrap. It isn't about timing - it's about whether or not you care enough about someone to make it work. Where there is true affection, there is a way.

Flirting

2009-03-30T10:08:00.003-04:00

We all know how fun flirting can be.

It boosts our egos, makes us feel sexy and wanted, and provides some harmless escapism in our day.

But what happens when flirting goes too far???

When we're single, the opportunities are endless. Flirting can be the beginning of a relationship or just some spontaneous conversation. But when we're in a relationship, the boundaries between right and wrong aren't quite so clear and each couple needs to set their own limits on how much flirting is too much.

Because no matter how smitten we may be with our significant other, the time will come where we still find another person attractive... or smart... or funny. And when we are faced with these people, it's hard to turn our flirtation-feelers off.

But where is the line drawn for flirting in relationships? Is the question one of how frequent the exchange, how R-Rated the conversation, or is it always the question of whether or not things become physical?

I usually find spontaneous flirting to be on the 'okay' list. Feel free to wink at your waitress but realize that your intent is what changes things.

Because it's only a matter of time before your repeated desire to continue a flirtation ends up in a relationship disaster.

Single days

2009-03-26T09:30:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today:

Single and Shoeless